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  1. #1
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    OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    Rather than work on the entire QL (which I am clearly failing at), I have decided to just start with the beginning. My feeling is that if the first bit isn't working then the rest will follow:


    In tenth century Europe soothsayer Cecilia must make a choice, immortality or the peace of heaven. Most would choose immortality, but Cecilia knows the real cost.

    As the earth-bound immortal, Cecilia can help fulfil a prophecy and defeat the Jezi Babas. The price however, is never to enter the afterlife. Choosing heaven will reunite Cecilia with her beloved parents but will also plague with guilt, feeling she has forsaken her people, her parent’s teachings and God. An eternity is too long to make the wrong choice.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven



  2. #2
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    make a choice
    the real cost
    The price
    the wrong choice.


    Raven, can't you see the repetition here? It's the same stuff four times in two short paragraphs!

  3. #3
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    OK, totally missed it.... OFFS! lol
    Time to give it a rest.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  4. #4
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    Yeah, have a good night and try again. We all need to walk away from the damn thing sometimes and let our minds clear.

    Sleep well.

  5. #5
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    Raven,

    I still think your hook is too vague and you don't have enough regarding what's at stake. Her choices are bland, live forever or die. What's at stake? Celia wants to go to heaven...that's it...blah.

    I'm trying to convince you to shift your focus back to your girls in present day. I think part of your pain is your focus is on the wrong character. Why not normal teenage girls (or at least one of them) who go to normal schools and have normal friends who find out it's up to them to save the world. I still think 'to save the world' is to broad and cliche but maybe save such and such from the next disaster...whatever. Get more specific.

    DK

  6. #6
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    DK I see you point, in fact I agree but here's my problem.
    The entire story covers 924 – 2038AD and the 'girls' are only in the scenes after about 60% of the book has started.
    I don't have an issue with writing a QL focused on one of the girls (Kristin who has to make the real choices) but if someone asks for say the first 50 pages, there will be no mention of the girls.

    The book moves really quickly but I feel it’s kind of deceptive to talk only about the girls.

    As a secondary thought, I might change the focus to the King who uttered the curse. He is in the book pretty quickly, is assassinated by his own cousin. The cousin turns into a creature taunting mankind and the king is offered the opportunity to confront and defeat his murderers as well as obtaining redemption for uttering a curse on his people in a moment of anger and haste.

    I might try and ‘whip’ something up and see how it looks/sounds.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  7. #7
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    How long is your MS?

  8. #8
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    115,000-words
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  9. #9
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    Re: OK an new QL start only - Comments please

    My suggestion is cull back the first fifty pages, which sounds like all back story anyway, and get into the meaty present/early furture much much quicker--like chapter 2. Be ruthless to your baby, the MS will be better for it. People aren't going to want to read 30% backstory. Look at the first Terminator movie, they could have easliy spent the first 30% of the movie in backstory but they didn't, they went straight to the action in the present and interweaved the past along the way and the movie is much better for it. Assuming your genre is YA then you could lose 20k words down to 90kish words and still be appropriate.

    DK

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