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  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    Thanks Simon, I'm going to try that now.
    if the wine is sour throw it out

    SatyricalRaven



  2. #12
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    Hi Raven,

    I have to agree with the others that your hook is too vague. The rest is very synopsisy. I think you have too much detail, things like mentioning the name of the god is not necessary but you seem to be hanging on to it in every version. Does the agent need to know this as part of your QL or can it wait for the synopsis? I also think other areas are too vague. What's at stake? Right now you have the world, for me it's just to broad. Why does Celia care? Right now you have it as blind faith and she wants to die, again to me it's not strong enough. I'll ask this again, who is the MS about, Celia or the five girls? You did at one point have one of the five girls as your Pro. What's at stake for them can you make it more specific then what Celia cares about because I think your MS is too weak if Celia is your Pro. It's okay if she's a side character but wanting to die and blind faith is all too blah.

    All just my opinion of course.

    DK

  3. #13
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    Thanks DK.

    I actually re-wrote a new version but even to me it was overly wordy.
    I will try to now remove all the names I can and also try t oremove details.

    I think I need to try and get the first paragraph right and hen perhaps I can work from that.

    Thanks again.
    if the wine is sour throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  4. #14
    Senior Member Zoe Saadia's Avatar
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    For what it worth, I liked this summary. It definitely made me want to read more.
    The "Jezi Babas rarely hunt as a pack..." phrase certainty passed on an ominous feeling, conveying the urgency and the depth of the danger.
    Cecilia's mission is also much clearer now, her position as a priestess explaining the dilemmas she has to face.
    Pre-Columbian North America

    http://blog.zoesaadia.com/

  5. #15
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    How long is your MS? And what genre (YA,MG,)?

  6. #16
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    Thanks Zoe,
    Really appreciate knowing what is working. I also like that you are starting to understand it.

    DK, it's 115,000-words and its not YA. It's mature/adult.
    It is very dark and quite violent.
    Those that have read it have made comments such as 'I had to stop reading at one point because I almost felt sick from the description of the such-n-such death scene'
    However, there are other scenes that have brought tears to peoples eyes because the scene is touching or deeply personal.
    if the wine is sour throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  7. #17
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    My suggestion is cull back the first fifty pages, which sounds like all back story anyway, and get into the meaty present/early furture much much quicker--like chapter 2. Be ruthless to your baby, the MS will be better for it. People aren't going to want to read 30% backstory. Look at the first Terminator movie, they could have easliy spent the first 30% of the movie in backstory but they didn't, they went straight to the action in the present and interweaved the past along the way and the movie is much better for it. If your genre is Adult then you could lose 20k words down to 95kish words and still be appropriate.

    DK

  8. #18
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    Raven,

    Did we lose to posts in this thread? The one where I told you to change the angle and the one where you were sort of agreeing but the problem you had was the first 30% was about Celia?

    Where did they go?

  9. #19
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    Re: QL Re-try Any better?

    no idea, let me dbl check.
    if the wine is sour throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

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