HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussionWritersNet Email
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Rochester, Medway, Kent, England, United Kindom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
    Posts
    14

    A bit of Chapter 1

    Drayden stepped out through the door, the argument still ringing in his ears. He shivered. His eyes began to water. He rubbed and blew his hands whilst increasing his pace. Aching fingers retreated into his pockets and emerged with a pair of black gloves. He glared at the road for a few seconds. Admiring the bleak trees he dragged his feet across.

    "Watch it!" shouted a deep voice. Drayden realised he stood in the middle of the road, a car metres away from him. The driver pressed his horn several times.

    "Alright." Drayden said as he scuttled over,clutching his school bag.

    The arguement flooded back into his head. He remembered his mothers eyes streaming with tears. His stomach curdled with guilt. Trying to take his mind off things, he stared at decaying leaves freezing in the ice. Something soft touched his shoulder. An old man.

    "Sorry." said Drayden as he stepped to the side and raised his head to see the figure.
    "No worries" replied the old man with a smile. A wily smile. Drayden had seen that smile before but he couldn't remember where.

    He walked on, then paused. He turned around. He saw no-one. Where an old man stood was nothing, except a pigeon in his last footprint. he closed his eyes, and opened them again. The bird was gone. He frowned, shook his head and return to his journey.

    He trudged up a hill ,panting. He skipped over especially icy patches consequently moving next to the road. A mixture of holiday and morning lethargy stopped him from moving faster.

    Eventually he reached a petrol station. He leant on a wall, smoke coming from his mouth. The wind blew his grey hair revealing eyes. Drayden had always had grey hair.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    5,941

    Re: A bit of Chapter 1

    Drayden stepped out through the door

    Did he step OUT the door or THROUGH the door?

    He rubbed and blew his hands

    All potential sexual jokes aside, are you saying that he blew ON his hands?

    increasing his pace

    What pace? Is he walking? Increasing the pace of rubbing his hands?

    He glared at the road for a few seconds. Admiring the bleak trees he dragged his feet across.

    Dragged his feet across what? The trees? The road?

    Drayden realised

    realized.

    I left off here. IN MY OPINION, it needs work. Did you read it aloud?

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    263

    Re: A bit of Chapter 1

    What are you looking for? Line crit, overall impressions? Since you don't say, and I see some issues, I'll do a quick line crit.


    Drayden [s]stepped out through the door[/s] walked out, the argument still ringing in his ears. He shivered. His eyes began to water. He rubbed and blew his hands whilst increasing his pace. Aching fingers retreated into his pockets and emerged with a pair of black gloves. [s]He glared at the road for a few seconds.[/s] [s]Admiring the bleak trees he dragged his feet across.[/s] Without looking, he stepped into the road.

    "Watch it!" [s]shouted a deep voice.[/s]

    New paragraph Drayden realised he stood in the middle of the road, a car metres away from him. The driver [s]pressed[/s] pounded his horn [s]several times[/s].

    "Alright." Drayden saidperiod [s]as[/s] he scuttled [s]over[/s]across the road ,clutching his school bag.

    The [s]arguement[/s] argument [s]flooded back into his head[/s] ran through his mind, endlessly repeating.. He remembered his motherapostrophes eyes streaming with tears. His stomach curdled with guilt. Trying to [s]take his mind off things,[/s] cliche forget works better, he stared at decaying leaves [s]freezing[/s] frozen in the ice. Something soft touched his shoulder. An old man.

    "Sorry." said Drayden as he stepped to the side [s]and raised his head to see the figure[/s] Unnecessary.
    "No worries" replied the old man with a smile. A wily smile. Drayden had seen that smile before [s]but he couldn't remember where.[/s] cliche Unnecessary, anyway.

    He walked on, then paused. He turned around. [s]He saw no-one.[/s] redundant Where [s]an[/s] the old man had stoodcomma [s]was nothing, except[/s] a pigeon [s]in his last footprint[/s] pecked at the icy ground. .He closed his eyes, and opened them again. The bird was gone. [s]He frowned, shook his head and return to his journey.[/s] Redundant. In the next para, he's trudging up a hill.

    He trudged up a hill, panting. He skipped over [s]especially[/s] useless icy patches [s]consequently moving next to the road[/s]. [s]A mixture of holiday and morning lethargy stopped him from moving faster[/s] You said trudged earlier, so you already said he moved slowly..

    Eventually he reached a petrol station. He leant on a wall, smoke coming from his mouth. The wind blew his grey hair [s]revealing eyes[/s] Don't know what you meant there, but it didn't work. .

    New paragraph for emphasis Drayden had always had grey hair.
    Issues: Padding. Redundant action. Punctuation.

    Stan

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    ME
    Posts
    478

    Re: A bit of Chapter 1

    I read it but I had a hard time keeping interest. The only other thing I saw was the spelling errors everyone else pointed out. I'm not a professional editor either so don't take my word for it, but I think "whilst" should be "while." That is just my opinion though.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  5. #5
    Bonnar Spring
    Guest

    Re: A bit of Chapter 1

    "Whilst" and "realised" are British, as are "metres" and "petrol", so cut the guy some slack for that.

    Since you've had several line crits, I will add my overall impression two-cents:
    I believe you're trying for atmosphere, to 'show' how Drayton is feeling by his actions and to show both his mood and the weather as bleak. Good. But the awkward usage gets in the way. You've had some excellent specific comments on repairing that. I hope you revise and re-post so we can all see the new version.

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: A bit of Chapter 1

    Hey! I know you

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    5,941

    Re: A bit of Chapter 1

    "Whilst" and "realised" are British, as are "metres" and "petrol", so cut the guy some slack for that.

    Like I know where he comes from? I don't. I call 'em as I see 'em, and if he wants to use whilst and realised he still can.

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598

    Re: A bit of Chapter 1

    Yeah, I noticed the 'whilst' also. Coming from Austraila it didn't worry me (British English) but I have learned something! I didn't know whilst wasn't used in the USA. I have tried to keep the British/USA word mix out as much as possible from my own work - even going so far as not to use words like 'metres' - I'll need to go through my MS and take out 'whilst.'

    But I must say, I couldn't go so far as to replace 's' for 'z' (realise etc.). It just looks wrong on my page! lol
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts