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  1. #1
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    2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    Okay guys be honest. I know it's not for everyone but then, hey, what is?




    PROLOGUE

    Tomakomai, near Hokkaido, Japan 2010

    The soldiers stood staring at the three dimensional projection open mouthed. They all knew what they were looking at, even if they did not understand it. Outside a siren wailed in the distance. What is that?
    Cops! Dark figures moved in the darkened offices.
    Relax, guys. It ain't coming here! Just download all that **** and grab that machine there and link up with Alpha. They whispered as they moved.
    Okay its started. Gonna take a few minutes! This voice is female.
    We don't have a few minutes!
    I know but this file is huge! We need it!
    Guys. Another voice came from the windows and the dull ambient glow from streetlights below.
    Not now Pinky! Can't you compress it and do it quicker?
    Er, no! This was the female voice.
    Guys!
    Pinky, please! Christ! I Can't think!
    Sirens getting closer! Pinky watched the empty well lit road, his face blacked up in broken streaks of cammo cream.
    Can't be for us, they assured us... He realised Pinky was staring at him. He pointed back to the window. Watch the street, dumb arse!
    Yo! Blue lights! Let's go! Pinky shouted as he backed away from the window cocking his weapon.
    **** it! Ready up. Take the stairs up! He moved over to the window to make a tactical appraisal. Shouted aloud **** off! and ran to the stairs. Come on!
    It's still only about a third done, sir! The female voice sounded worried.
    **** it! Plug out! We go now!
    We need this! She hissed the words at him.
    Explain that to the Japanese Special Task Force cos they are out front getting ready to come in! Plug out, now!
    Okay go, I'm right behind you, sir!
    Nope! Hand it over!
    What?
    Give me that! he snatched the hard drive from her and stuffed it down the front of his jacket. Go, Major! he hissed.
    Allright! Hey what's got into you?
    The Fatman sold us out! Go! He ushered her in front of him through the door to the emergency stairs.
    Yeah, I reckon I know why!
    Why? He took the steps three at a time, descending in huge strides.
    Ask Mitch what he's got! She headed up the stairs as planned.
    He keyed the throat mic open Mitch? Alpha.
    Alpha! Mitch's voice came through his ear piece.
    Do you have it? He pounded down the stairs.
    Affirmative. But...
    But what, Alpha?
    There's two of them! Now he could hear Mitch's voice waver. Two chips and Two covert labs to build them!
    Okay, calm down. Are the chips both the same?
    Negative one of them is incomplete.
    Grab them both and take the stairs and get to the roof! Hurry!
    Is there something wrong?
    Very! Get moving, Mitchell! He reached the foyer level and pulled the stairs door open a crack, he used an optical snake camera to look out without poking his head out, it was essentially a medical endoscope adapted for combat. ****sake! he muttered.
    It was a scene similar to the one he had envisioned. A Team of gas masked Special Operatives were preparing to come in through the huge glass front doors. They had codes, it would not take long. He shut the door and stuffed the endoscope in his jacket with the hard drive.
    He keyed his comm's set I need those door codes changed now! Then he reached into his kidney pouches and took out a large slab of the new explosives they had laid all around the upper floors and basement labs. His earpeice buzzed Alpha coming up the A stairwell. He jabbed a tiny remote detonator into the block of High Explosive as he began to climb the stairs.
    He stopped, turned back and said Alpha give me your spare squidgy! He said it loud enough to be heard down the few steps he had ascended. He heard the stairwell door locks engage.
    Alpha squad sprinted up the stairs as fast as they could, Here! Have a nice swim! Mitchell said as he slapped two slabs of the explosives in his friends hand and leapt up the steps four at a time.
    He counted his men as they ran past him, there were four, good. He slapped the explosives down on the floor behind the locked stairwell door and sprinted up the stairs without stopping to look back. When he got to the top of the stairs he heard a noise from below, the door he had just left. Finding the roof access door jammed wide open with a short gemmy bar stuffed into the opening above the centre hinge, he grabbed it and pulled trying to free it shouting Come on! at the wedge of tungsten carbide. It jerked free nearly making him fall on his backside. The steel door slammed shut and locked itself. He looked around, alone now. He headed for the north wall, sprinting across the rooftop gravel, throwing the crowbar and reaching for his detonator switch, he just managed to flick the arming switch as he leapt off the roof as hard as his tired legs would allow. He knew he had only once chance now, free-falling he reached and felt the hard plastic tag at the base of the backpack and in one fluid movement pulled his shute free. The base jumpers parachute popped open and inflated carrying him away from the building over the trees towards the river where he could see the others were climbing aboard the large black stealth boat. He managed to wrestle control against an unexpected breeze and nailed his landing perfectly on the roof of the ship, the shute collapsed around him and he turned to look at his men. And Women. All here?
    All present and correct, sir! Mitchell said, he was dripping wet.
    The boat had started moving as soon as his feet touched down. All ahead, full. Engage stealth systems. He gathered his shute and stuffed it into a storage hatch on the rear deck. He ushered his crew into the comfort and safety within the state of the art vessel, clicked the detonator and watched as the fireball engulfed the building behind them destroying all trace of the raid, he did not smile as he lobbed the remote switch overboard.



  2. #2
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    Re: 2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    Hey where the **** did my foul language go? I put it in there on purpose, I put a warning on it so why do you think someone has censored it

  3. #3
    Senior Member Victoria's Avatar
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    Re: 2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    It's an automatic censor- the software replaces the words with a string of characters.
    Writers.Net Moderator

  4. #4
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    Re: 2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    Why? I thought writing was about expression!
    Freedom is a word your software is fornicating with!

  5. #5
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    Re: 2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    Chill, dude. There's no age limit on these forums. We know what you mean, anyway.

    I'll take a whack at part of it to get you started.

    Tomakomai, near Hokkaido, Japan 2010

    The soldiers stood staring at the threeUse a hyphen when compounding adjectives dimensional projection open mouthed. They all knew what they were looking at, even if they did not understand it. Outside a siren wailed in the distance. What is that?
    Cops! Dark figures moved in the darkened offices. Confusing. Are the dark figures the soldiers or the cops?
    Relax, guys. It Again confusing, whether it's cops or soldiers, there's more than the one implied by the 'It'. ain't coming here! Just download all that @#$%& and grab that machine there and link up with Alpha. They whispered as they moved. Awkward tag
    Okay its started. Gonna take a few minutes! This voice is female. Awkward tag. Use her name.
    We don't have a few minutes!
    I know but this file is huge! We need it!
    Guys. Another voice came from the windows and the dull ambient glow from streetlights below. Awkward again. This isn't working for you. Use 'he said', 'she said' tags. They disappear when read. Using beats works too, but don't overuse them.
    Not now Pinky! Can't you compress it and do it quicker?
    Er, no! This was the female voice.
    Guys!
    Pinky, please! Christ! I Can't think!
    Sirens getting closer! Pinky watched the empty well[s]hyphen[/s] lit road, his face blacked up in broken streaks of cammo cream. You have a double-stack adjective there. Double-stacks in general can be avoided by describing the scene in a different way. Or by elimination of one of the adjectives. Which of those two adjectives is important to the story?
    Can't be for us, they assured us... He realised Pinky was staring at him. He pointed back to the window. Watch the street, dumb arse! Who is talking here? In a three-way conversation you have to careful to maintain sufficient dialog tags that the reader doesn't have to go back and read it again to figure out the current speaker.
    This is pretty good. The main problem is the tags. Rework those so the reader can follow without having to read it again and you have a decent piece. Oh yeah, later on you need some paragraph breaks. And parachute shortens to chute, not shute. And what's with the spaces after the quote marks.

    Stan

  6. #6
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    Re: 2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    Thanks Stan! Couple of points, the text is messed up because my writing app copied it like that. My version actually has loads of pararaphs, which makes following dialogue easier with out having to say; he said, or, said whoever. This prologue is an intro/hook, not anything to do with the books main character, just background to the actual story. Confusion is what I was going for, have you ever burgled anywhere or performed a high-pressure illegal action? (Do not answer that!) Trust me, it's confusing. I don't want to patronise my readers by explaining every single mundane detail when most imaginative readers will flesh it out themselves. Thanks again, duder!

  7. #7
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    Re: 2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    Confusion can reign supreme in your characters. But the first rule of writing sellable fiction is "Thou shalt not confuse thy readers, lest said readers throw thy book on the floor and stomp it." You don't have to show all detail, but your pronoun references and your dialog tags MUST allow the reader to follow your story.

    And regardless whether this is the main story or not, it's the first thing the reader sees when opening the book, so it has to be as well written as your first chapter.

    Stan

  8. #8
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    Re: 2022 prologue FOUL LANGUAGE WARNING

    nice.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Diane Theron's Avatar
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    I have a good feeling about this guy - just checked his profile and was here last in December - hope he comes back.

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