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  1. #1
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    Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    This is part two to the first post. It is the rest of the chapter. Like I said earlier I know it isn't perfect and needs to be edited. Let me know so I can add it to my list of edits. Thanks.

    Beneath the Diamonds: Part Two


    Her hunger for him was almost too much to bear. Gripping the back of the seats she steadied herself over his lap. They kissed with the same passion as before. This time it was more urgent. Her desire to taste him was too much. It burned in her throat like wild fire. Joy bit his bottom lip, while she took her other hand and placed it in his pants and finally freed him from his boxers. Placing light kisses along his jaw line, she made her way down the rest of his body. Light black and gray strands of hair covered his tan chest. He smelled like spring air and pine. Alternating between flicking her tongue and laying kisses on his stomach she followed the light outline of hair towards his groin. Once Joy reached her destination she placed him inside her mouth and tasted him. “Joy,” her name escaped his lips with strain. She felt the same need he felt. Her thighs were wet and aching to have him inside her. While she sucked on him, taking her tongue, she stroked his sweet spot. Tangy and sweet fluid filled her mouth. She welcomed it and with her last gulp she heard her lover sigh with glorious release.

    Joy looked up and smiled at him with unabashed eyes. She could feel the heat rise in her cheeks. She lay back onto the leather seat. It crinkled with every movement she made. She removed her brown felt skirt, and revealed black lace panties. Joy bought them for that special occasion earlier that day. They were $15 dollars at Victoria Secret. A little too expensive for panties, if you asked her, but he was worth the money. She would do anything for him. Die for him if it was needed.

    Joy brushed away the prickly memories of what followed after. She didn’t wish to remember him in those last few moments before he turned against her. The expression on his face when he placed the last set of ropes to her ankles will forever be in her memory. It stung her and she knew she would have rope burn and possibly cuts tomorrow. A small price to pay for spicing things up. Then he looked up at her and it was no longer her lover who stared back. It was a soulless expression of a maniac. A blank slate with black hard eyes looked at her. A wide set grin appeared on his face. It looked as if laughter would bubble from the surface over some private joke and escape his lips. No laughter came though and the joke was on her.

    Until that moment did Joy actually realize how alone they were. Everyone was asleep tucked in their beds for the night. Sleeping soundlessly, no doubt. Her screams would be muffled. To anyone that would hear the scream would sound like a mouse passing in the distance. The double wide furnace tape would see to that. To ensure that it wouldn’t come off, he had brought a bag of goodies. Reaching for the black bag that occupied the floor of the backseat, he pulled out a silver staple gun. Bringing it to her face, he placed his free hand on the top of her blond hair. She became lightheaded as she felt the pressure of his fingers squeeze her temple. Then she heard the click of the gun and felt the searing pain reach her mouth. Joy’s panic level skyrocketed when she realized he was stapling the masking tape to her face. It was a security measure. Vomit filled her mouth but she swallowed it back. The aftertaste was bitter.

    Joy brushed the prickly memories from her mind. Sadness overtook her when she realized that the present time was also her future, and now, her ultimate death. The cold hard truth snapped her into the present reality. It shot ice down her spine and gave her no warmth before her final moments.

    The lake finally came into view. It shined like a thousand diamonds, among the moonlight. A whispering willow stood inches from the lake. Its branches and trunk of the tree seemed to droop over to the side. It was as if the massive strength of the tree could not support the branches themselves and over the centuries that passed, the tree could not bear anymore. It now sloped and leaned to one side.

    Joy’s last thought was of the tree and the feel of her surroundings around her. It would be the last she felt of this earth, and bound or unbound, she wanted to enjoy it. The ferns tickled her exposing flesh with such softness, it bordered on seduction. The wind swept her body up in a blanket of coolness that relieved her aching body. Crickets chirped a sweet melodious tune and the lake was the most beautiful thing Joy ever saw. Even though she was a foot away. It sparkled like a thousand diamonds under the moonlight. It was the perfect resting place.

    The strangers laugh is cold and high pitched. A tattered oak canoe sat next to the edge of the lake. The stranger lifted Joy from the waist down into the canoe. The black stilettos she wore made a thudding noise and then a cracking noise, as one of the heels detached and split down the middle. Great another shoe broke. At least these were cheap and I didn't spend that fifty dollars on the bastard like I was going to, thought Joy. Joy felt pressure between her shoulder blades as her ex-lover half hoisted and half rolled the rest of her body into the canoe. Joy felt herself rock back and forth inside the boat, as the canoe departed from the shoreline and into the water. Climbing in and grabbing the oars the killer started to paddle to the deepest part of the lake. Once they reached their destination the man stood and bent down for Joy. Kicking him in the shins she frantically started rolling around on the floor, looking almost like a floundering fish. The attempt to tip the boat failed as the man grabbed her around the throat with his left hand and then with the other securing his grip on her ankles.. Without a second thought Joy was tossed into the lake. Joy struggled in midair until the last breath escaped her chest. Joy’s body floated for a fraction of a second and then sank to the floor of the lake. Resting silently, beneath the diamonds, for all eternity
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer



  2. #2
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    You are GOOD......! I don't care what anyone else says, that is good writing. I can actually tell the story line and where it is going, I understand as much of the characters as I need to at this point, and as far as I am concerned, it is as good as any of the novels I read daily and greatly enjoy!

    I know you are new here, but that is a huge compliment. Most first introductions of chapters (including my own I may ad) have a ton of things that need to be changed and revised. If the author is not outright encouraged to just try for a different story lol.

    So keep that in mind, through whatever feedback you may be getting from here on out.

    (....and - did she really die? I've had stories like that. You think you are just getting ready to identify with the main character, and then - poof! They die. And you realize all of your "identification with the main character was a little premature.... )

    Very advanced story telling though ( I think. But then again - what do I know?)

    Good luck with your book!

  3. #3
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    Thank you a bunch Sabina!! I am seriously going to remember that from here on out no matter what. lol

    And yes she actually died.She's not the main character. She is just one of his victims. I killed her off because I wanted the reader to relate to her and feel for her, love her and then hate him for killing her. So far I think I have succeeded in that because everyone that has read it so far has felt bad for Joy and hated him. That is what my goal was right off the bat. I wanted the readers to see Joys love for this guy like she did, so they could see ahead of time the powerful effect he has on his victims.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    You have done an excellent job at that, I think. Any bit as good as other authors (Stephen King being one of them!), and you did it smoothly and with credibility.

    I am looking forward to your first book beiing published. I will definitely buy a copy!

  5. #5
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    Aww thank you!! Let me know when you publish your first book to so I can buy a copy.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  6. #6
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    Thank you Margaret, but it will not be near as riveting as yours. My first book will be Non-fiction and mainly revolve around scientific findings and their applications to us and our relationships today.

    After that however, I hope to get to write a real "fiction" novel. I hope I will be good enough and have the skill it takes to do so.

    How far are you along with your book?

  7. #7
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    For this one I just started it, but I already have the plot down and outline done. I just have to write it.

    Your book sounds interesting to. I will keep an eye out for it.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  8. #8
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    'Joy brushed away the prickly memories of what followed after. She didn’t wish to remember him in those last few moments.....'

    then two paragraphs down:

    'Joy brushed the prickly memories from her mind. Sadness overtook .........'


    This is where I stopped. You cannot repeat almost word-for-word within two paragraphs and expect the reader not to notice. It took me out of the story and I didn't want to read any more.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  9. #9
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE:

    I've just got to say something because I'm not doing you any favors by keeping quiet. It's going to be harsh.

    Your post is filled with cliches and repeated ideas. That is often the problem with erotica, the sex scenes are frequently laughably bad writing, but I wish you would make the effort to write your sex scenes with more creativity. The opening line is such an old cliche, can't you see it?

    Her hunger for him was almost too much to bear.

    So done to death, and expresses nothing.

    Plus:

    Her hunger for him was almost too much to bear.
    Her desire to taste him was too much.
    She felt the same need he felt.
    aching to have him inside her


    It's so mundane. Too much, too much, the need, the ache. Where's the creativity here? The vocabulary? The writing?

    Joy looked up and smiled at him with unabashed eyes.

    Unabashed eyes? You're sticking with that?

    "It shined like a thousand diamonds, among the moonlight"

    Among the moonlight? Really?

    "Tangy and sweet fluid filled her mouth. She welcomed it and with her last gulp she heard her lover sigh with glorious release. "

    Okay, not trying to offend you, but have you ever blown a guy? Generally, it's a whole lot more noise than a "sigh," and the sound preceeds the fluid. So, she wouldn't be at the "last gulp" before she heard his "sigh with glorious release." I'm not saying every man is the same, but I am saying it usually goes in the order I'm describing.

    And what's he shooting? Barbecue sauce? It ain't exactly "tangy and sweet." Yes, every man is different, but this description does not ring true, and it's probably going to give the reader a good laugh when you least want one.

    I'm going to stop. Truthfully, I haven't found a single paragraph I wouldn't pull apart, and believe me I want to find one. I'd like to encourage you. But this just doesn't work for me.

    However, it is JUST MY OPINION. But, to me, this thing needs an enormous amount of work IF you want it to indicate that you are a genuine writer, not someone writing erotica because they couldn't write something more literary.

  10. #10
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    Re: Wanring: Sexual/violent material in this post. Dark Erotica. Part 2

    I did take very much offense to your comment asking if I have ever blown a guy. Especially considering I have two kids and I'm 27. I will be flagging your comment for the administrator. My personal experiences are NOT related to the content of my book.

    To your comment: " But, to me, this thing needs an enormous amount of work IF you want it to indicate that you are a genuine writer, not someone writing erotica because they couldn't write something more literary."

    I wasn't going to respond to that but I could not help myself.

    I have had numerous feedback from people in the writing industry and all have said that I have good range for my writing and that I HAVE TALENT. I have already had a few literary agents take my information. I am more than capable of writing more than just sexual content. You are just one person out of tens of thousands of people in this world. In this business there are people that either hate your writing or love it. You can either love my writing,like it, or just plain hate it.

    Other books are more sexual than what I have wrote.

    THIS IS JUST THE FIRST DRAFT. THAT IS HOW IT WORKS WITH WRITING. YOU DO MULTIPLE DRAFTS BEFORE YOU GET THE FINAL PIECE.I don't know what you do for work but if YOU are a genuine writer and knew about this business then you should know that. I NOT ONCE said this was my final piece and that it did not need work.

    Thank you very much. Have a good night.

    P.S. The tips you gave me did not offend me at all. I took that just fine. What offended me was your comment to my sexual life and insulting my writing abilities. I AM a GOOD writer. Even if you don't see it.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

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