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  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    Re: The first few words of my opening scene, Please critique

    "One o'clock! One o'clock!" bellowed Desmond for the second time.
    "Honey, calm down, she's sixteen she can make choices for herself."
    "She was supposed to be back by ten! What the hell was she doing for three hours? Three hours!"


    Suppose it looked like this:

    "One o'clock! One o'clock!" Desmond bellowed.
    "Honey, calm down, she's sixteen. She can make choices for herself."
    "She was supposed to be back by now! What the hell was she doing all this time? Three hours!"


    Do you see the difference? You're tossing around a lot of numbers, and you don't need them all. One, One, second, sixteen, ten, three, three. It isn't necessary to use all that. With a little editing, the opening has more punch and less math. In my opinion, it's an easier stronger, read.

    JUST MY OPINION, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE.



  2. #12
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    Rhinebeck, NY
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    Re: The first few words of my opening scene, Please critique

    "One o'clock! One o'clock!"

    "Three hours? Three hours!"

    "A few hours! A few hours!

    ""What's the big deal! What's the big deal!"

    "A mistake? A mistake! "
    - - -

    I'm getting dizzy! I'm getting dizzy!

    *_* *_*

  3. #13
    Senior Member Lea Zalas's Avatar
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    Re: The first few words of my opening scene, Please critique

    I've commented on the paragraph below, because it irritated me the most:

    "Phoebe, why didn't you pick up your phone?" Evalina asked, her voice now calm[s]er[/s] with relief (that her wayward daughter was finally home.). "[s]Why?[/s] (You already asked this in the previous sentence - asking it a second time belies the fact that she's calmed down.) You're always on your phone, so why didn't you pick it up?"
    "Because-"
    "[s]That's it![/s] (What's "it?" Delete this.) You were drunk, weren't you?!" [s]bellowed[/s] Desmond bellowed[s]., spit pouring out of his mouth,[/s] (this is so gross - I've NEVER seen someone with spit POURING out of their mouth. You're trying too hard to be evocative with your wording. Please, just leave this out - it doesn't help and worse, it makes this character come across as a drooling zombie) his feet stomping on the red carpet. "That's why you were late! You were drunk!"
    "What! I'm not even allowed to drink! I'm only sixteen, remember!" Phoebe said. "Besides, I'm here now so what's the big deal." (This sentence needs to end with a question mark, because it's a question.)
    "What's the big deal! What's the big deal!" said Desmond his face now red, [s]his mouth foaming with saliva[/s] (Saying his face is now red is enough description - you're trying too hard again.) "[s]From now on you're banned from going out of this house![/s] (If you're going for American slang, you would say - "You're grounded! The only thing you'll be doing from now on, is homework!) [s]You need to concentrate on your school work!"[/s]
    "You can't ban- what's my school work got to do with any of this?" Phoebe now had both her hands on her waist."How is stopping me from visiting my friends going to improve my grades?" (You do realize you've written this character as a complete idiot - right?)
    "Des, honey, it's not fair to ban her from going out," said Evalina "You were once a teenagers (Plural is wrong) too. Phoebe has a point, stopping her from going out isn't going to improve her grades," (Okay, now I see who the girl has inherited her lack of intelligence from - the mother's an idiot, too! At least, that's how you've portrayed her.) Desmond was about to start [s]howling[/s] (yelling) again before Evalina quickly added "And Phoebe you must set an example for Josh, that's no way to speak to your father."
    "Puh-leese, don't give me the old "set an example" rant," said Phoebe crossing her arms."Josh knows what's wrong and what's right, I'm not gonna act it all out for him."

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