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  1. #1
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    Beginning or middle?

    This is the beginning two sections of a chapter I am working on in my novel. I am not sure if I should add to the beginning, and make this the middle, or if I should keep it as the begining. Anything else that you think needs to be fixed then let me know. Thank you for the help. It is appreciated.

    The Kiss of Death


    Gwen and John's body encompasses each other. Falling with
    every caress and every last breath. Cool water surrounds them,
    but love warms their internal organs and shakes off the icicles
    of fear.Gwen looked around. The sight was astounding. A clear
    glass lake stretched out for miles in front of her. From the
    outskirts of the lake, orange flames licked the waters. Gwen
    was not afraid. The fire could not harm them.
    Heat rises to the surface as the kiss of death approaches.
    Their lips met and what a bittersweet death it was.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer



  2. #2
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    Honestly, I can't say whether it should be the beginning or middle because there are a couple issues I can't get past.

    Gwen and John's body encompasses Encompass each other. Falling with
    every caress and every last breath. I haven't a clue as to what this really means Cool water surrounds them,
    but love warms their internal organs and shakes off the icicles
    of fear.Gwen looked around. The sight was astounding. A clear
    glass lake stretched Is this supposed to be in past or present tense? Pick one and stick to it. out for miles in front of her. From the
    outskirts of the lake, orange Most flames are this color flames licked the waters. Gwen
    was not afraid. The fire could not harm them.
    Heat rises to the surface as the kiss of death approaches.
    Their lips met and what a bittersweet death it was. The fire can't hurt them...but they died?

    There are other things as well, but I just have to say that I'm not very invested at the moment. You're describing the death of two people and I have no idea who they are, why I need to care about them, or what's actually happening. Obviously I can make some educated guesses, but I may be totally wrong. Anyway, that's my opinion for what its worth. Good luck!

  3. #3
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    Thank you for the critique.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  4. #4
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    No problem. For a few scenes in my story, I tried writing it like a playscript. In other words, I described exactly what happens with no descriptions whatsoever. For example.

    MARY crosses the room. She makes no sound. She slowly opens the door. It is obvious that she suspects someone is behind it, but no one is seen. She opens the door a small bit more. A figure dressed in black climbs in the back window during this action. As MARY is focused on the door, he crosses to her and raises a knife. MARY is satisfied that no one is outside and closes the door. She turns. The man is now immediately behind her. She screams.

    Utterly boring, I know, but you know exactly what is happening in this scene. I would suggest trying that with this scene and THEN finding a tense, a point of view, and a few descriptions and rewrite it. It will certainly be very different, but it may work better for you. At least it will read more like prose.

  5. #5
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    It probably would have made more sense to people if I would've posted the background information of the story, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that. That is why it is so limited information wise. (This is a chapter for the middle section of the book) So, I will probably get bad reviews for this.That is my fault though. lol Good luck on your book to!
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  6. #6
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    I might try that. It is worth a shot anyway.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  7. #7
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    Very confusing, I cannot tell what is going on. Are these two entities (whatever they are) supernatural? Ice water with fire? Kissing and then they die? Sounds like a date from hell.

    RW

  8. #8
    Amy Lou
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    Hi Margaret,
    I agree with the posts you've already received. I was drawn into the scene however I was not vested in this couple. Why should I care about them. So I don't feel like this is an opening although I suppose it really depends on what comes before it. The part I found the most interesting was the end because something happened and it moved the story forward. The writing before, while very pretty and "flowery" as a friend once called my writing, doesn't really give us a lot. But it is very nice writing.
    Amy

  9. #9
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    Thanks Amy!

    Robert- I couldn't help but laugh at your last comment. I wasn't offended by it so please don't take my statement as me being rude.

    It is a sci-fi fantasy novel. Gwen is human and John is her guardian angel. I was thinking of posting the next section so it makes more sense to people, but I am afraid of giving away too much information about the plot. I am very careful with who I give my story plots to. So by posting this I thought I would be able to get a critique, but without giving the plot away. Now I see that it was a mistake because people are utterly confused. I didn't put enough information in. Next time I will post more information so it makes more sense to people.. lol

    Hope you have a wonderful Friday! Thanks for your critique.
    “Put it before them briefly so they will read it, clearly so they will appreciate it, picturesquely so they will remember it and, above all, accurately so they will be guided by its light.”
    -Joseph Pulitzer

  10. #10
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    Re: Beginning or middle?

    If you're afraid to give us the information we need to do an honest critique, you're going to have problems here. Granted, you don't have to give us the entire backstory, but don't purposefully obscure information so that we can't catch on.

    Don't worry about revealing plot ideas or points here. Most people on this forum, I'm guessing, have more than enough plot ideas to work with that they're not going to try to lift yours.

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