Part of the First Chapter...With Paragraph Breaks!

[Amy Lou]

-------------------------------------------------------
> Hopefully my last one will be taken down by the
> moderators since it's pretty much impossible to
> read...sorry for the repeat!
> Anyway, this is the introduction to two of the
> main characters in my young adult novel God-Born.
> Sorry its a bit longer than I intended, but thanks
> for your patience and your critiques!
>
>
> It was misting heavily(I wanted you to see how adverbs you use - ly)[b(]isn't that rain, just say it was misting)[/b] outside the glimmering
> walls of the casino, but the gray clouds(I don't think you need to tell us about the gray clouds of moisture, it seems over written to me) of
> moisture didn’t stop the crowds that continued
> to pour in and out of the Pandora. The casino was
> a massiveI would lose the word massive monument to luxury, windowed and paneled
> in brilliant shades of platinum with jet-black
> accents. Blue and violent(do you mean violet?) lights artistically(artistically seems like too much) lit
> the enormous twenty-story structure and were then
> reflected in the enormous pools laid around the
> base. The lights tinged the mist violetI think it would be better to say The lights tinged the mist and gave.... and gave
> the entire night sky outside of the PandoraWe know the mist is outside the Pandora, don't tell us this) an
> almost(I would lose almost) ethereal aura. In the plaza immediately(ly)(I don't feel like you need immediately)
> outside the grand bronze doors was a pedestal upon
> which was a kneeling statue of Pandora herself(don't need the word herself)
> opening a chest full of golden poker chips.
> Playful figures representing Good Fortune, Luck,
> and Wealth danced out of the chest, grinning at
> pedestrians with impish smiles.
>
> Another figure was also sitting on the pedestal,
> crouched against Pandora. He didn’t share the
> smiles of the imps ordo you mean "to those walking by"?) those walking by; in fact,
> his head was hidden by the hood of his torn and
> stained sweater. His clothes were dark, but they
> were so ragged and patched that it was impossible
> to tell what the original colors actually(ly)(Don't need actually. How about "what the colors once were") were.
> The figure was nearly(ly)(lose nearly) as still as the statues,
> although he shifted once in a while to better
> escape the mist that was lightlyly) drizzling on his
> head. On one such occasion, a small pool of water
> that had collected in Pandora’s locks spilled
> over and poured directly(ly) on him. The figure threw
> off his hood in annoyance, revealing him to be a
> young boy in his early teens. His dark hair was
> now matted down with moisture that uncomfortably(another word ending in ly)
> ran down his face and down(don't need the word down again) the collar of his
> t-shirt. The pedestrians hurrying past hardly(another ly) gave
> him a second glance - it was not uncommon to see
> the very poor or out-of-luck hanging around the
> palaces of wealth on the Strip - but a few of
> those who looked back for a moment were unnerved
> at how the boy’s staring eyes seemed to reflect
> the blue-violet lights of the Pandora.
>
> The boy shifted again and followed the passing
> crowd with quick glances. He seemed to be content
> to simply(ly - don't need the word simply) wait, trusting that in time he would
> receive some reward for his patience. He didnt’(didn't)
> have to wait much longer. His gaze lit upon
> another figure hurrying through the crowd,
> carrying a plastic bag under his arm. This boy was
> much taller and relatively(ly again) older; he at least had
> grown a small beard and moved with a grace unusual
> for someone with his broad shoulders and long
> legs. He covered the distance across the plaza
> much more quicklyly again - much quicker than than his casual pace suggested
> until he was only a few yards from the statue of
> Pandora. There he stopped, wiped blonde hair out
> of his eyes, and waited.
>
> The boy on the statue tried to shake off the water
> that had collected on his jacket, gave it up as a
> lost cause, and stood up on the pedestal. He was
> much thinner than the other boy but hardlyly - don't need this word) lacked
> energy in his movements. He stretched out his
> cramped muscles and with one casual step forward
> dropped from the pedestal and landed crouched on
> the red-bricked plaza. His eyes were blue now.
>
> “Took you long enough,” he told his companion.
>
>
> The older boy eyed him unsmiling. “You didn’t
> make things easy. When I said wait by the casino,
> I didn’t mean on top of the damn statue where
> anyone could see you. I had to circle the entire
> block twice to make sure that no one was watching
> either of us.”
>
> The younger boy smiled at him. “You mean you
> actually had to look? Sounds like you’re losing
> your touch.”
>
> “Don’t make jokes about this, Joey,” said
> his companion. “You’re being reckless. Again.
> We can hardly(ly - "We can't risk being seen) risk being seen in the open in
> Vegas, there are so many eyes. And a lot of them
> are eyes like mine, and you know that makes things
> even more difficult for me.”
>
> Joey shook his head. “You worry too much. Your
> relatives are out there looking for corporate
> corruption and traitors and creepily(ly again) watching
> people they’ve got the hots for take showers.
> They aren’t watching two bums among the hundreds
> on the Strip alone. So what did you bring? Steak?
> Lobster? Or-” he inhaled the smells coming from
> the plastic bag, “a ham sandwich on rye with
> cheddar cheese and onions?” Your dialogue seems very natural
>
> The older boy sighed and reached into the bag,
> taking out the exact sandwich that Joey had
> described. “You cheated,” he accused. Joey
> smiled and began wolfing the sandwich down. The
> other boy withdrew an identical sandwich. “You
> know, this would have been a lot easier if you had
> just made us food.”
>
> “You know I can’t cook. I can’t even boil
> water without burning it,” said Joey.
>
> “That’s not what I meant, and you know it.”
>
>
> For the first time, Joey looked agitated. “So
> we’re cold and hungry. We’re getting by this
> way, without any tricks. You know how I feel about
> that sort of thing. I’d rather not do anything
> unless we need too. If we were starving, it’d be
> a different story. But we’re not.” He took
> another large bite, melted cheese hanging from his
> mouth.
>
> His friend looked away. “That’s disgusting.”
>
>
> Joey gestured extravegentlyly again) , talking through his
> full mouth. “You know Ollie, you are more than
> welcome to book a reservation at Le Cirque for
> caviar and cocktails. Let me know how that goes
> for you.”
>
> The older boy grimaced and silently(don't really need silently - if grimaces and gnaws at his sandwich, then speaks) gnawed at his
> sandwich. “Don’t call me Ollie,” he
> muttered.
>
> The grin on his young companion grew wider. “Oh,
> sorry Ol-i-ver,” he said. “St. Patrick,
> you’ve been eighteen for three days and you’re
> already severing every tie with childhood. I’m
> almost ashamed of you.”
>
> Oliver smiled for the first time. “You’re one
> to talk, Ptolemy Josephus.”
>
> Joey’s smile dropped. “Oliver it is then. As
> long as you never mention that again within
> hearing distance of another human being.”
>
> “Fine then. Joey.”
>
> A great shout echoed from the bronze doors of the
> Pandora, and more shouts and cheers poured out as
> even outside on the steps people began to applaud.
> Someone had apparently won a very big jackpot on
> the slots or the card tables. Joey glanced up at
> the massive structure, admiration etched across
> his face. Oliver mirrored his gaze.
>
> “Why did you even bring us here?” he asked.
> “Did you just want to see it? I mean, I know its
> been all over the news in the past month, even
> before we...before we left.” He faced Joey
> directly, forcing the younger boy to look down
> from the dancing lights and directly at him.
> “But we can’t go inside. You know that. I came
> to Vegas with you because I agreed that it was a
> good place to hide in plain sight. But risking it
> by coming here, to the heart of everything, was
> completely reckless.” He eyed the statue of
> Pandora with distaste. “Can we please leave now?
> This all makes me sick actually. It reeks
> of...of...”
>
> “Of home, yeah,” said Joey. “But no, I
> didn’t just want to see it. We’re going to
> live here, until we figure out where we’re
> headed next.”
>
> Oliver snorted. “Don’t mess with me.” Joey
> smiled again and finished his sandwich. He began
> walking towards the bronze doors.
>
> Oliver’s face grew stoney. He ran a couple of
> steps to catch up with his headstrong companion
> and grabbed his shoulders. Spinning him around he
> shook him slightly.
>
> “Stop this now, Joey! Don’t be stupid! We
> can’t afford to breathe the air in that place,
> and I will not let you make a scene to get us in.
> Don’t even try it. We’re turning around and
> finding a quiet place to bunk. Now.”
>
> Joey shoved Oliver’s hands from his shoulders.
> “I never suggested making a scene,” he said.
> “I intend to pay for our room like a law-abiding
> citizen.”
> Reaching into his sweater pocket, he pulled out a
> thick slab of bills.
>
> Oliver’s eyes grew wide. “Where did you get
> that?” he asked quietly.
>
> Joey sneered. “I didn’t make it, if that’s
> what you’re suggesting.”
>
> Oliver took Joey’s shoulders again. “I just
> scrounged for fallen change for three hours to buy
> us a couple of grocery store sandwiches and now
> you pull out, what, two grand? You can’t hold
> out on me like this, Joey. If we’re going to do
> this, we’re going to have to trust each
> other.”
>
> Joey shuffled his feet. “I do trust you, and
> when you went off to get the sandwiches I didn’t
> have any of this. I wasn’t on the statue the
> whole time. I found people in the square who had
> more cash than they would ever miss and, you know,
> lifted here and there.
>
> “You stole it then,” said Oliver.
>
> Joey’s eyes grew steely gray. “We needed it
> more than any of them did.”
>
> “You don’t know that.” Oliver shook his
> head. “Joey, I know that you were raised to
> think like this, but I’m trying to get you to
> understand. If we want to be different than the
> others, we have to stop acting like them.”
>
> Joey’s eyes returned to their normal blue.
> “Okay fine. No more picking pockets if it will
> make you feel better.” He gestured towards the
> bronze doors. “Now can we go inside?
>
> Oliver shook his head. “How do you think it will
> look when two kids walk into the Pandora and throw
> down a couple thousand bucks and ask for a room?
> The Pandora is not the place to pull a stunt like
> that. You know what it’s like in there.”
>
> Joey nodded, looking up at the casino again.
> “Yeah. Security up to the shingles and beyond.
> Which makes sense, since it is the brainchild of
> Brandon Nuo, creepy billionaire extraordinare.”
> He looked back at his companion. “But I didn’t
> just take us here for kicks, Oliver. The Pandora
> is the one place in Vegas - the only place - that
> the GB doesn’t have its fat little fingers stuck
> in.”
>
> “How can you possibly know that?” asked
> Oliver. “This is the one place they’d be dying
> to have a hand in.”
>
> “Oh they are,” said Joey. “You said it
> yourself, everyone was talking about it even
> before we left. But no joy for the GB in the
> Pandora. Not yet.”
> Oliver looked doubtful. Joey eyed him.
>
> “See for yourself. Seriously, take a look.
> You’ll see what I mean."
>
> Oliver sighed and closed his eyes. A sudden change
> came over his formerly casual stance. His muscles
> locked, his shoulders tensed up. His breathing
> came in heavy, labored gasps. Even the mist seemed
> to draw in around him, swirling around his feet
> and hands. Joey shuddered involuntarily.
> Oliver's eyes snapped open. They were as misted as
> the dark sky above them.
>
> Slowly, his shoulders began to relax, followed by
> the rest of his body. His eyes cleared, revealing
> nothing of what he might have seen. He looked at
> Joey. Bemusement was etched on his face.
>
> “You’re right,” he said. “The GB has got
> no hold in there. They’ve got spies in there of
> course, a couple dozen on the staff alone, but
> they’re all very angry, and desperate. Nuo must
> have some pretty big connections to be keeping the
> GB out like this.”
>
> Joey shrugged. “I doubt Nuo even knows about the
> GB. His personal assistant, maybe. Rumor has it
> Nuo is terrified of his own Board of Investors,
> and he’s taking every precaution to keep them
> from taking over. Only thing is, he’s hindering
> the GB while he’s at it.”
>
> Oliver laughed. “Pretty paranoid for a man who
> made billions gambling. Good for him I say.”
>
> Joey nodded. “So here’s the plan, I think. We
> go in there, hit a blackjack or poker table, make
> more more of this -” he waved the wad of bills,
> “then get some decent clothes and food and
> settle in. Easy, simple, lucrative.”
>
> “Yes, but I don’t play poker or blackjack,”
> said Oliver.
>
> Joey rolled his eyes. “What do you think I did
> at the palace all day between orders from the
> Council? Crochet? Mike taught me a few things
> about cards. And your dad taught me about cheating
> - which I will of course not do. Unless I am
> losing.” He moved towards the doors again.
> “Well, I’m glad we settled this. Now will you
> come inside?”
>
> Oliver brushed the water out of his hair.
> “You’re forgetting one thing, card shark,”
> he said. “You’re fourteen. You have to be
> twenty-one to play in the casinos, and there’s
> no way your going to pass, even with those phony
> IDs you whipped up.
>
> “Meh, that’s not a problem here,” said Joey.
> “At the Pandora, minors can play at the tables
> or the slots as long as they are accompanied by
> someone eighteen or above.”
>
> Oliver’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not a
> rule,” he said.
>
> Joey’s grin matched the imps on the statue of
> Pandora. “It is now.”
>
> With that, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and
> trotted towards the warmth and light of the
> Pandora. He didn’t even look behind to see if
> his friend was following.
>
> “I’m going to regret so much about tonight,”
> muttered Oliver as he hurried after his impetuous
> friend. Behind him, the golden statue of Pandora
> seemed to smile even more widely as her eyes
> reflected the blue-violet lights of the casino.


I read the first couple of paragraphs and some of the dialogue. The dialogue is natural and flowed well. I do agree with some of the others that the first paragraph seems over written - I only recognize this because I do it too. I also noticed a lot words ending in ly. I only point them out because, again, I do it too. Sometimes I feel like it's a way to be a lazy writer and tell the reader what you want them know, frantically, quickly, loudly. Instead of showing the reader through the characters actions. I certainly don't know much about the writing process so please know I'm just telling what I feel when I read it. I think Cur's idea about beginning with the boy crouching by the statue is a good one. I enjoyed it thought!
Amy

[Amy Lou]

Good editing leslee! It reads clear and strong.

[robin]

Oisin, I read the first 6-7 paragraphs and thought it well-written, if a tad adverb/adjective-heavy. But that's secondary, easily fixed.

The key point: Voice. The voice is strong, confident. It makes me trust the narrator. You strike a nice balance between narrative distance and closeness. I feel the narrator confiding in me [the reader], making me an accomplice, a participant, without the narrator being overly familiar or presuming too much. This is difficult, to entice the reader into a collaboration, a psychological/emotional participation in the unfolding story.

Seems you have a grip on some subtle aspects of the narrative art that take most aspiring writers much practice to develop. Have you been writing long?

Congrats on a nice style!

[leslee]

"Good editing leslee! It reads clear and strong."

Thank you, Amy.

[Oisin Ni Bhaoill]

You've all been way to patient with me, and I can only apologize again for the long post and promise my next will be shorter. I love the diversity of the comments, some say this, others say try that, and it's given me much to think about. Thanks much everyone?

If I can ask, what's considered the general time to wait between posts? I have another very different one that I'd love to have critiqued but I don't want to give the impression that I'm cluttering up the board.

Thanks everyone!

[Oisin Ni Bhaoill]

Not at all. Besides my thesis paper for my undergraduate I mean. This is the first piece of fiction I've ever tried. Thank you for the suggestions!

[Oisin Ni Bhaoill]

It was very useful, thanks. I'm sure that, like many beginning writers, I feel that I have to explain everything in triplicate to my reader because I don't trust their imagination to do the work for them. And yes, I am a beginner. This is the first bit of fiction I've attempted.

[leslee]

You can post new stuff any time you like, just start a new thread.

And when you reply to the comments you've received, it's good to direct that to the person you're talking to, or all the replies sort of run together.