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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    5

    First Chapter of my novel - Sample

    He could hear the heavy footsteps closing behind him as he ran through the narrow path of the wide spread garden in front of the house; in front of his house.

    He was not surprised by the attack, there had been information that an assault had been planned on him; he had also tightened his security and moved from his palace to his old house in neastwed. But what came as a surprise was the knowledge of his attacker, not even in his wildest dreams had he imagined this person would want him dead. He had let his guard down and opened the gates of the security wall with open arms. When he realized his mistake, it was too late.

    When the assault had began, he thought of making a stand in his house and fight. But now that the attack had begun inside the house, it was of no use. The damage done cannot be prevented; he did the only logical thing left, to run, he ran for his life alright, but he ran hoping to outrun his attacker and pass the information of the horrific truth. But he knew his end was near. He never feared for his death, but he feared for the hands this country might fell because of his ignorant mistake. Breathing itself was a struggle now, he had already started panting and taking quick breaks to recover the fatigue.

    Any of it did little to help him, just as he thought about the entire ingenious plan laid upon him, there was no escape. The lethal poison had started to act. He knew he could not cover much ground from here. As he ran along the dirt path which opened to his backyard, something struck his feet; he tripped on a dried wooden truck and fell face forward.


    He slowly turned on his back and lay there staring at the star lit skies. He tried to get up, but his body refused to cooperate.

    “HELP” he shouted “Over here in the backyard, anybody HELP”

    He knew it was useless; most of his people were either dear or captured. Even if any of his men heard him, there was nothing to be done. And more over his attacker would be upon him any moment.

    “You do know that there is no one here to help you, do you?” came a cold voice.

    He slowly turned to his side to stare at the eyes of his attacker; the sight of him turned his blood cold.

    “How could you?” he shouted, but it only came out as a whisper.

    “How could I? Well that’s something for you to figure out in hell” said his attacker with a fierce smile.

    Charles Harper closed his eyes and can sense the darkness closing upon him. He could picture the underworld open beneath him, ready to grab him in its clutches.

    “This is where we say good bye my lord” announced his attacker.

    Harper opened his eyes; he wondered how he had missed to see the brutality and coldness in the face he was now seeing. His attacked lifted a sphere in his right hand and weighted it in his hand balancing for a throw. The sharp metal at the end of the sphere glimmered in the mid night sky. With his left leg forward, the attacked cast the sphere swiftly. It was the last vision of Harper’s life.


    The sphere struck Harper in the throat; blood began to come out in the form of a fountain. It flowed down his chest all the way to his waist. He gurgled for a few moments, trying to breathe. But it only made the throat to bleed faster. He prayed that his end would come soon and the error committed would be rectified.


    The assassin saw the body lying on the ground, twitching in pain. Satisfied his victim would die; he grabbed the legs of the body and began to drag it along the ground. It would be a waste to leave him here, he needed to put on a show, and it would only help his purpose more. Even the body would serve him now.



  2. #2
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: First Chapter of my novel - Sample

    Shrinidhi... The pace in this is well recieved.

    What I am saying is, I read it all, but after the first paragraph or so, I came away from the story and transcended above, because all I could see after this, was mistakes.

    'He could hear the heavy footsteps closing behind him as he ran through the narrow path of the wide spread garden in front of the house.' In this first sentence you have, narrow, then wide, and then in front. How we talk, isnt how we write.

    Plus side, formats good, punctuations a lot better than mine, and it's very clear what is happening.

    all the best

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    5

    Re: First Chapter of my novel - Sample

    thanks martin.... appreciate your feedback.... yeah i agree i need tune up.... i am working on it... hope i get it more correctly while writing more....

  4. #4
    Member
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    Jan 2011
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    32

    Re: First Chapter of my novel - Sample

    I liked the dialogue in this the most. It seemed very raw and unflowery, just what the scene needs.
    If you notice, however, you spend most of the first three paragraphs describing what Harper thinks about the attack, or what he previously knew about the attack. We the readers get all this information about Harper's previous knowledge and suprise, but little information about the attack itself. All of a sudden, Harper is on the ground poisoned and it's difficult to discern exactly how he got there.
    And this is more of my opinion, but you describe the killer as an assassin. However, assassins rarely stand around and gloat over their victims. Murderers may, but assassins are generally more professional. I don't know the motive behind the killing of course, but the word choice is something to consider.
    Nice piece though, way to jump into the action from the start!

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