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  1. #1
    Amy Lou
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    Query - Another try -Paranormal Romance

    As you can see, I'm at it again, and I would love to hear some thoughts on this query. Am I totally lost here? I had some great advice on my last one, and I am prepared to be ripped to shreds. This could use some tightening, but I can't see what needs to be cut out. Perhaps the entire thing? Thanks in advance.
    Amy


    Dear Agent,

    Chloe had forgotten about the type of men still available in the dating pool. Now that her marriage is over, Chloe's best friend can't wait to refresh her memory. Soon, she finds herself surrounded by men that lift weights and tan too much. Their arrogance and sexual innuendos turn Chloe's stomach, until she's introduced to Phoenix. He's different from the predictable jocks she's meeting these days. A connection passes between them, but when his warm gaze turns cold, she writes him off as the rude one in the group.

    To the outside world Phoenix and his brothers are friends enjoying a beer, or lifting weights at the gym. In their world, they are the sons of a fallen angel, created to deceive a woman into producing an heir and offering her soul to their master, Lucifer. When Phoenix is introduced to Chloe, he sees something in her that his brothers do not, her destiny to become an angel to a God he despises. Her destruction should be his only priority yet he desires to protect her from his iniquities and his legion; a feeling he’s never experienced and an urge he must deny. However, he can't.

    Chloe begins to notice that Phoenix is always near, protecting her, but from what, she can't figure out. His concern for who she's seeing should turn her off. Instead, she finds it endearing, and the bond between them deepens. Phoenix’s brothers are growing suspicious of his motives with Chloe, and the two are brought together for one last ceremony. They are to marry and produce an heir, so that Phoenix can sacrifice her soul to prove his loyalty. Chloe discovers the secret world that surrounds her and learns that if their love becomes transparent to his legion, Phoenix will suffer eternal condemnation in Hell. Chloe is given the chance to sacrifice her life to keep his heart hidden, and Phoenix will betray the only existence he's ever known to stop Chloe from doing so.


    SPIRITS AND FLESH is a 100,000-word paranormal romance novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Aug 2010
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    Re: Query - Another try -Paranormal Romance

    "Chloe had forgotten about the type of men still available in the dating pool. Now that her marriage is over, Chloe's best friend can't wait to refresh her memory"

    Chloe HAD forgotten, marriage WAS over. And then make sure the tenses are right throughout.

    And if he had forgotten about it, how could it be "still available?" Where does "still" come from if she "had forgotten?"

    If you straighten out your opening line, it'll help.

    "Soon, she finds herself surrounded by men that lift weights and tan too much."

    I can't figure out why you're wasting space in your opening paragraph with chatter like this.

    "To the outside world Phoenix and his brothers are friends enjoying a beer, or lifting weights at the gym"

    Another weight lifting reference? Why?

    I couldn't get through the rest. Sorry.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    Sep 2010
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    Re: Query - Another try -Paranormal Romance

    I'd suggest you read a bunch of QL's to see the trend they follow. What you have here has too much detail in some areas and too vague in others. Also it's not clear what your Pro wants, why does she want it and what happens if she fails. They are key components of a QL.

    DK

  4. #4
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Query - Another try -Paranormal Romance

    Hey guys, thanks a lot for reading this over. I do appreciate your comments. I needed the honesty. Even though it may not show in this query, I have researched how to write one, read tons of examples, but perhaps I need to do it again. This attempt was me taking a step back from my other query and trying to tone it down. I may have gone too far in the opposite direction. LOL Thank you again for letting me know what is vague and what sounds crazy. The point I was trying to get across is that Chloe is being set up with complete losers until she meets Phoenix. I don't know anymore!!!!! I'm losing my mind.....
    thanks again,
    Amy

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Re: Query - Another try -Paranormal Romance

    I'm guessing you're using 2 POVs in the novel as well?

  6. #6
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    :XRe: Query - Another try -Paranormal Romance

    Yes Jenna that's right. The chapters go between Chloe's world and Phoenix's world as a nephilim. In the first couple of chapters you don't realize that it's Phoenix, he's referred to as "son" and their father is Alastor, Chloe's best friend's fiance. So you get a look into their ceremonies where the sons ask permission to pursue a chosen woman and their father grants it, but you don't know that it's Phoenix and Alastor yet.

    I feel like if I write the query from Chloe's POV alone, it's boring, because she is unaware if what is going on around her, but the reader is getting a hint. Chloe does find out of course.

    I'm so lost..... LOL

  7. #7
    Senior Member
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    Re: Query - Another try -Paranormal Romance

    Your first 4 sentences could be condensed in the vein of “when newly-divorced Chloe agrees to allow her best friend to set her up on a few dates, she’s appalled to find herself surrounded by arrogant jocks with gonads for brains." OK, not that sentence exactly (haha) since it’s an off-the-top-of-my-head-scribbled-without-any-thought-whatsoever example. But you get my drift.

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