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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    9

    blank spot (a poem I wrote)

    ok so I like writing poetry here is just one. Please tell me your thoughts good and bad. Feed back is greatly appreciated




    Blank Spot
    My mind is a hall of broken thoughts,
    A story full of dull and senseless plots,
    I used to bend words to my will, now all I make is inky black blots.

    Nothing fits any more; my sentences are left in taters,
    My characters are misty, what’s gone is what matters,
    Like a glass cup, full of good ideas it drops and shatters.

    My words are dead limp on the page,
    The kind words have no tenderness the angry ones no rage,
    My transparent characters are dancers without a stage.

    Like a man with broken limbs my story tries to climb,
    But it crumbles like a mountain destroyed by time,
    The tyrant is merciful; the thief commits no crime,

    Like a ship pulled down by a storm they sink,
    The sailors drown in the waves of spoiled ink,
    The water of my ill writing forever to drink.



  2. #2
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    24

    Re: blank spot (a poem I wrote)

    Annie, you are good at creating images. But I think you try so hard to make things rhyme that the theme suffers. I'm not big on rhyming poetry. I would like to see this piece as blank verse, with the pace and rhythm moving the poem forward. All the images are there. It's just, for me, the rhymes get in the way. But who the hell made me an expert! Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    9

    Re: blank spot (a poem I wrote)

    haha thanks for the feed back I will post some of my non ryming stuff

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598

    Re: blank spot (a poem I wrote)

    As soon as I sure each line rhyming with the previous, I stopped.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

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