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  1. #11
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    11

    Re: Query attempt two

    Thanks guys. Will take all your suggestions on board. I'm glad some of you liked it.



  2. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    227

    Re: Query attempt two

    It wasn't obvious to me either that he had to kill the others.

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    487

    Re: Query attempt two

    Tainted,

    It's got some snap, which is good. Here's my suggestions for cleaning up a bit:


    When Rachel ended their relationship, Jason ended his life.

    Fifty-one others did the same. THIS MAKES IT SOUND LIKE FIFTY-ONE PEOPLE KILLED THEMSELVES AFTER RACHEL ENDED HER RELATIONSHIPS WITH EACH OF THEM, WHICH WOULD MAKE HER QUITE THE HEARTBREAKER AND A BIT OF A SLUT. I'D RECOMMEND DELETING THIS LINE (IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO THE QUERY TO ESTABLISH THAT THERE ARE FIFTY-TWO PLAYERS - AND WHAT DEMON USES A MODERN DECK ANYWAY?) AND THEN MOVING THE NEXT SENTENCE UP TO MAKE THE SECOND PART OF A TWO-SENTENCE HOOK THAT WORKS PRETTY WELL

    Now the game begins. MAYBE "THE REAL GAME" OR "THE GAME REALLY"? PLAY WITH IT AND SEE IF IT SOUNDS BETTER WITHOUT ANY ADDITIONS OR WHETHER IT NEEDS THE INTENSIFIER FOR MAXIMUM IMPACT

    Jason awakes WAKES OR AWAKENS to the chuckle of a demon, who hands him a deck of cards, a compass and a one way ticket back to New York. AWAKENING TO THE CHUCKLE OF A DEMON SEEMS TRITE AND VIDEO-GAMISH. WHAT'S THE DEMON DOING, JUST HANGING AROUND WATCHING HIM "SLEEP" AND RANDOMLY CHUCKLING? I'D KEEP THE DEMON BUT LOSE THE CHUCKLE, AT LEAST IN THE QUERY. THE ONE-WAY TICKET TO NEW YORK, AS OTHERS HAVE INDICATED, SORT OF GETS LOST IN THE QUERY, SO YOU NEED TO EITHER EXPLAIN HOW IT IS SIGNIFICANT OR LEAVE IT OUT ENTIRELY Each card represents a fellow suicidée. CAN'T FIND THIS IN THE DICTIONARY AND I'M SKEPTICAL THAT IT'S EVEN A WORD. THE NOUN FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS COMMITTED SUICIDE IS - UNFORTUNATELY - SUICIDE. IF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMITTED SUICIDE ARE THE PLAYERS, MAYBE SAY EACH CARD REPRESENTS ANOTHER PERSON WHO COMMITTED SUICIDE - AND THEY'RE ALL PLAYERS IN THE GAME. The compass points towards TECHNICALLY YOU CAN USE EITHER "TOWARD" OR "TOWARDS" HERE, BUT "TOWARD" SOUNDS BETTER AFTER "POINTS" the other players. The city WHAT CITY? WE'RE NOT BACK IN NEW YORK NOW, ARE WE? is an enchanted arena, where vampires, leprechauns and mermaids dwell. The goal is simple—don’t lose your second life. RECOMMEND A COLON INSTEAD OF A DASH HERE. ALSO, IF IT'S A KILL-OR-BE-KILLED SITUATION, MAYBE SAY THAT DIRECTLY The last one standing finds heaven. The rest, eternal misery.

    Jason would rather not play. But there’s a fifty-third card HOW ABOUT "AN EXTRA CARD"? in the pack: THINK ABOUT USING "DECK" INSTEAD OF "PACK" The Red Joker. She’s the reason Jason ended his life, she’s the reason they all did. MIGHT WANT TO BREAK THIS INTO TWO SENTENCES, OR USE A SEMICOLON, BUT THE COMMA DOESN'T WORK. ALSO, THIS MAKES IT SEEM LIKE RACHEL, IF SHE'S THE RED JOKER, ACTUALLY DID DATE FIFTY-TWO PEOPLE AND DRIVE THEM TO SUICIDE. IF SO, YOU NEED TO HINT AT THIS MORE DIRECTLY IN YOUR HOOK, SO THE READER WON'T ASSUME YOU'VE JUST BEEN WRITING LOOSELY IN THAT "FIFTY-ONE OTHERS DID THE SAME" SENTENCE. ACTUALLY, AS I THINK ABOUT IT, THE HOOK IS STILL STRONGER WITHOUT THAT SENTENCE, AND THIS COMING AT THE END COULD PROMPT THE READER TO WONDER IF RACHEL IS CONNECTED TO THE RED JOKER...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE READER THINKING AND WONDERING ABOUT DEVELOPMENTS IN YOUR BOOK, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT

    The Suicide Games is an 82,000 word urban fantasy.


    It's a lot of notes, I know, but they're basically spot changes rather than anything suggesting a fresh start on this or a massive revision. Good luck.

    JH

  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Rhinebeck, NY
    Posts
    4,623

    Re: Query attempt two

    I agree with Jena about the colon. I notice a lot of folks are wary of using it, but it seems it should be inserted here.

    "The goal is simple: don’t lose your second life."

    *_*

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