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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Jan 2011
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    11

    Query attempt two

    Okay, Thanks everyone for their suggestions. I've incorporated most of it.

    This will probably be my final query post. I still think it's risky, and I'm still going for the short snappy approach. Do you think it might work?




    When Rachel ended their relationship, Jason ended his life.

    Fifty-one others did the same.

    Now the game begins.

    Jason awakes to the chuckle of a demon, who hands him a deck of cards, a compass and a one way ticket back to New York. Each card represents a fellow suicidée. The compass points towards the other players. The city is an enchanted arena, where vampires, leprechauns and mermaids dwell. The goal is simple—don’t lose your second life. The last one standing finds heaven. The rest, eternal misery.

    Jason would rather not play. But there’s a fifty-third card in the pack: The Red Joker. She’s the reason Jason ended his life, she’s the reason they all did.

    The Suicide Games is an 82,000 word urban fantasy.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Aug 2010
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    6,016

    Re: Query attempt two

    Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes.

  3. #3
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: Query attempt two

    The Tainted Wrote:
    -------------------------------------------------------
    > Okay, Thanks everyone for their suggestions. I've
    > incorporated most of it.
    >
    > This will probably be my final query post. I still
    > think it's risky, and I'm still going for the
    > short snappy approach. Do you think it might
    > work?
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > When Rachel ended their relationship, Jason ended
    > his life. (I do like this hook. It leaves me wondering what happened in the relationship, I also feel sympathy for Jason. Although in this hook, if I had not read your other query, I don't know who your main character is yet. Not sure if I'm supposed to)
    >
    > Fifty-one others did the same. very interesting, 51 others did this on the day Jason did. It would interesting to research how many people in a given day end their life by choice. Have you researched that?)
    >
    > Now the game begins. (I like this line as well, I am interested to know what game)
    >
    > Jason awakes to the chuckle of a demon, who hands
    > him a deck of cards, a compass and a one way
    > ticket back to New York. Each card represents a
    > fellow suicidée. The compass points towards the
    > other players(why is the compass pointing to the other players, what does this mean for Jason?). The city is an enchanted arena,
    > where vampires, leprechauns and mermaids dwell.
    > The goal is simple—don’t lose your second
    > life. The last one standing finds heaven. The
    > rest, eternal misery. I am still wondering about the one way ticket back to NY because that doesn't seem like an option.)
    >
    > Jason would rather not play. But there’s a
    > fifty-third card in the pack: The Red Joker.
    > She’s the reason Jason ended his life, she’s
    > the reason they all did. (okay that is interesting, that this woman in linked to all of their deaths.)
    >
    > The Suicide Games is an 82,000 word urban fantasy.

    Just wanted to put my 2cents in, even though you said you were ready to send. I think it's interesting and well written, but I still have some questions....
    Good luck!
    Amy

  4. #4
    Junior Member
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    11

    Re: Query attempt two

    Thanks for the help guys.

    Amy, I'm not sure if you got the fact that they have to kill each other. Thats why each player needs a compass. Did the query convey that? It might be a bit too vague.

    And I'm not sending the query now.SInce I only wrote it a few days ago. That's too fast for me. I just meant I won't be posting another query attempt and then another one and another one. Rather take what ideas you guys can give and let it sit for a month. If I can't improve it then, it has to be the best I can come up with.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Re: Query attempt two

    That's an excellent idea, Tainted.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Lea Zalas's Avatar
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    Re: Query attempt two

    It's coming along pretty good, Tainted. It was easy for me to understand that they're to fight each other.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
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    Oct 2010
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    Australia - for now ;)
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    598

    Re: Query attempt two

    Well I liked it.

    If I were a lit agent I would want to read the first few chapters just to see what happens.

    Good luck.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Ohio
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    3,866

    Re: Query attempt two

    leprechauns comma and mermaids dwell.

    The goal is simple (I'd use a colon here) don’t lose your second life.

    But there’s a fifty-third card in the pack: The (I wouldn't capitalize t in The) Red Joker.

    She’s the reason Jason ended his life, (get rid of the comma splice here) she’s the reason they all did.

    Yeah, I'd probably ask for pages, too. (tu)

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
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    263

    Re: Query attempt two

    This is good!

    When Rachel ended their relationship, Jason ended his life.

    Fifty-one others did the same.

    Now the game begins.

    Jason awakes to the chuckle of a demon, who hands him a deck of cards, a compass and a one way ticket back to New York. Each card represents a fellow suicidée. The compass points towards the other players. The city is an enchanted arena, where vampires, leprechauns and mermaids dwell. The goal is simple—don’t lose your second life. The last one standing finds heaven. The rest, eternal misery.

    Jason would rather not play. But there’s a fifty-third card in the pack: The Red Joker. She’s the reason Jason ended his life, she’s the reason they all did.

    The Suicide Games is an 82,000 word urban fantasy.
    The way it's written, it seems that the vamps, leps, and mermaids will be hunting Jason. If that's not the case, you could reword to make it more clear. Then you won't need the vamps, etc. As it stands, that sentence creates something of a WTF moment anyway.

    Stan

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
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    689

    Re: Query attempt two

    I liked it.

    Unlike others, though, I didn't get that they're all there to kill each other.

    I thought your protag needed the compass to help him find the others so they could all hook up and fight the vamps, leps together.

    As I said above, my confusion notwithstanding, I liked it. Would read the first chapter, even though it ain't a genre I usually read.

    For what it's worth, we rarely see a Q we like. Congrats.

    Cur

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