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  1. #1
    Member
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    Jan 2011
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    32

    New qurey--better?

    I rewrote it. What say you now? Please help.

    Insert editor name here
    Insert publisher name here
    Address

    Dear [insert editor name here],

    Divorce has taken its toll on Reggie. It has ravaged him with bad dreams and bad luck. Headaches and sleepless nights have forced him to take prescription medications, but he is beginning to succumb to addiction.

    The Mormon Church had served as his spiritual home, but for six years, Reggie has been inactive. He doesn't need redemption, but circumstances change.

    During a surveying trip, Reggie discovers an abandoned piece of furniture stained with blood. The local cops employ his assistance to solve the meaning of a mysterious riddle carved into the wood trim. It hints at an era marked with torture and murder. The clues lead them nowhere. Evil lurks in the forest. Women have disappeared. In chasing the perpetrator, Reggie is finding himself. This era is leading him to the light in more ways than he could have imagined.

    Era Sinistra is a 140,000 word mystery set in the rural mountains of Western Idaho. This book, now finished, tells a story of reconversion to the LDS gospel. I draw from my testimony for the inspiration behind this material.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,

    [signature]

    P.S. I have also enclosed a SASE.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    593

    Re: New qurey--better?

    I will be intersted to see what the others say. Again, from my inexperience viewpoint, I would say: Much much better - but it still has ways to go.

    And I am sure there will be no shortage on people pointing out just where it is that you need improvement.I noticed some punctuation and grammar mistakes, and while it flows better, there are still some areas that are too vague.And I believe someone suggested that you not use the 'succumbing to addiction" in th opener as it might be a downer?

    But it is definitely a lot better than the previous version.

  3. #3
    Member
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    Re: New qurey--better?

    Sabina,
    thanks for the tip. I'll change that part up a bit, but it is important for the purpose of the story.

    If you wouldn't mind, can you note where my punctuation errors are? I just read it again and I don't see any.

    Thanks!

  4. #4
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    Re: New qurey--better?

    Now mind you, I am not the Queen-of punctuation myself. Watch me make a fool of myself and make it worse, haha.

    But let me try (there was not a lot)

    Divorce has taken its toll on Reggie. It has ravaged him with bad dreams and bad luck. Headaches and sleepless nights have forced him to take prescription medications, but he is beginning to succumb to addiction.

    The Mormon Church had served as his spiritual home , but for six years , Reggie has been inactive[size=small](I don't think you need those. I marked the commas read, but you can hardly see them.. the next one in blue I think needs to be added).[/size] He doesn't need redemption, but circumstances change. [size=small](maybe ad something about how or why they will change?)[/size]

    During a surveying trip , Reggie discovers an abandoned piece of furniture stained , with blood. The local cops employ his assistance to solve the meaning of a mysterious riddle carved into the wood trim. It hints at an era (era is sort of an odd word. And how can a carving hint at an ear? Unless we are talking carving in caves of our forefathers?) marked with torture and murder. The clues lead them nowhere. Evil lurks in the forest (evil somehow sounds really vague) Women have disappeared. In chasing the perpetrator, Reggie is finding himself (How? Maybe just a short sentence?) This era is leading him to the light in more ways than he could have imagined.

    Era Sinistra is a 140,000 word mystery set in the rural mountains of Western Idaho. This book, now finished, tells a story of reconversion to the LDS gospel. I draw from my testimony for the inspiration behind this material.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,

    [signature]

    P.S. I have also enclosed a SASE.

  5. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    32

    Re: New qurey--better?

    Thanks!
    adding the comma after 'stained' sounds odd. Doesn't seem to be necessary to me, but I'll run it by an expert.

    Any idea on how to strengthen 'evil'? I'll tinker around with that.

    You are right, it is a good idea to note how change comes about.

  6. #6
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    593

    Re: New qurey--better?

    Brad, I think I was wondering if the Evil was metaphysical, or in the form of a human. Somehow I assumed we are dealing with a human murderer. If not, maybe you can expand on the evil?

    Like" For generations the locals had sensed the presence of a formless Evil lurking in their woods. It would remain silent and invisible for months, sometimes years, only to come out when least expected, leaving behind in the village, no other signs than the gruesome remainders of its work.

    Or something like that. But maybe thats way more than you want to devote to the evil, lol.

  7. #7
    Amy Lou
    Guest

    Re: New qurey--better?

    I'd be happy to help but I too am in the middle of this process and so very lost. LOL

    Brad Mathews Wrote:
    -------------------------------------------------------
    > I rewrote it. What say you now? Please help.
    >
    > Insert editor name here
    > Insert publisher name here
    > Address
    >
    > Dear ,
    >
    > Divorce has taken its toll on Reggie. It has
    > ravaged him with bad dreams and bad luck Something about bad dreams and bad luck bothers me. It just doesn't sound that bad. Even nightmares and bad luck might be better?.
    > Headaches and sleepless nights have forced him to
    > take prescription medications, but (and he's succumbed to addiction, instead of but) he is beginning
    > to succumb to addiction.
    >
    > The Mormon Church had once, or at one time had served served as his spiritual
    > home, but for six years, Reggie has been inactive.
    > He doesn't need redemption, but circumstances
    > change. This last sentence seems off or strange. I'm not sure what you are trying to say. What about: He doesn't need redemption until his circumstances change.
    >
    > During a surveying trip(surveying trip, not sure what that is?), Reggie discovers an
    > abandoned piece of furniture stained with blood.
    > The local cops employ his assistance to solve the
    > meaning of a mysterious riddle carved into the
    > wood trim. It hints at an era (an entire era? what about a day, a really bad day where someone was murdered, just use day) marked with
    > torture and murder. The clues lead them nowhere. I don't think we need to know that the clues lead now where.)
    > Evil lurks in the foresthow do we know evil lurks in the forest, this is vague. Women have disappeared.how do we know woman have disappeared, the news, what?[/b]
    > In chasing the perpetrator,but I thought the clues led them nowhere? now he's chasing the perpetrator? Where did he come from? Reggie is finding
    > himself. This era here is era again and that makes me think of a period of time in the past like the 80'sis leading him to the light in
    > more ways than he could have imagined.leading him to the light is vague to me, of course I know what you mean but don't be afraid to tell us where he is being lead to, his Creator, God, Jesus, the one he turned his back on? Tell us!
    >
    > Era Sinistra is a 140,000 word mystery set in the
    > rural mountains of Western Idaho. This book, now
    > finished, tells a story of reconversion to the LDS
    > gospel. I draw from my testimony for the
    > inspiration behind this material.
    >
    > Thank you for your time and consideration.
    >
    > Sincerely,
    >
    >
    >
    > P.S. I have also enclosed a SASE.
    I don't know about the ps at the end of this letter, they will see your sase, you don't need to tell them about it. Take that off. Your novel sounds very interesting to me and I feel like you can do a lot better than this. I care about your character right away, hearing that he is divorced and not addicted but after that I don't really seem to care about this murder he's trying to solve. You really need to give us more. I hope this helps.
    Amy

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Sep 2010
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    227

    Re: New qurey--better?

    Brad,

    For me this QL reads pretty much the same as the last one.

    - It's not clear what the relationship is between the divorce, the church and the murder. Each of your para's is a separate thought and you don't tie them together.
    - It's not clear why the police would use your Pro to help them.
    - Can you call them clues if they don't actually help. Leads might go nowhere but clues I think bring you to the next step.
    - Way too many vague statements which leave your reader wondering what you mean, things like:
    'taken it's toll'
    'ravaged him'
    'era marked with...'
    'evil lurks in the forest'
    - Short sentences are good for actions scenes but in a QL it looks like you don't know how to write a longer one.

    DK

  9. #9
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    Re: New qurey--better?

    Yes, the evil is human. I like your wording but it doesn't really apply to the story.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
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    593

    Re: New qurey--better?

    Well, no. If it is human it would not work. Amy and DK had some great input also.

    This board is really helpful. If one has the courage to put their work out there to be dissected.

    But I have already learned SO much, and I have been on here only a couple of days. But I did spend a lot of time every day on here. I looked at it like class work for my book.

    And in all honesty, that is what it feels like.

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