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  1. #1
    Senior Member
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    Another attempt - QL take XXXL

    As many of you know, I have struggled with my QL for my MS1

    I have worked the H#ll out of the MS and have it pretty damn shiny - even if I do say so myself; but the QL is still very lacking.

    I tossed the last version as it clearly didn't do the trick and have new one.

    Let me know if its too long, not clear enough, too wordy, not wordy enough.......... you'all know what I mean.
    And thanks in advance

    Dear Agent,
    Somewhere Street
    Somewhere town & city
    Somewhere 000000

    Throughout mankind’s history they appear. They invade, they disease, they destroy, they devour. Tonight, in the year 924AD, the hunt has begun again……the Jezi Babas have returned.

    Cecilia hadn’t expected much of the remainder of her life. Tending her chickens, selling her wares at the local village market, life was rhythmic, seasonal and for the most part predicable. Even His talks with her had become common-place.

    In the final stages of her life, she longed only to again be reunited with her beloved parents in the garden of Ever-Lasting-Spring. She certainly hadn’t expected to be selected by Him; Perun – Slav God of Thunder and Lightning, as the one to halt the immortal witches. She also hadn’t imagined the price for immortality to be so high; never to enter the gates of the afterlife.

    The personal cost was great. Regardless, reservations or not, Cecilia needed to trust in her faith, in her God and in her instincts. If the price for mankind’s salvation was to walk an eternity between the shadows of man and the Gods, so it must be – blind faith; believe in your cause with complete conviction.

    Cecilia had long heard the stories; the maliciousness of the Jezi Babas, their powers, their abilities and their foul, cruel natures. Someone had to stalk them while they hunted. Someone had to be at the ready- and Perun selected her; Cecilia. She did not know why she was chosen, she only knew that it was as it should be. Blind faith.

    For one thousand years she shadowed the creatures, learning, preparing. For one thousand years they attempted to stop her. And for one thousand years, Cecilia prepared for the final battle and for their ultimate capture or her ultimate demise.

    Time, seasons and centuries passed. It was now the 21st Century and the final battle had begun………….

    Spanning a period of eleven hundred years, ZVONIMIR’S CURSE is an 115,000-word historical fantasy set against European history and Slavic mythology.

    This story draws on my Croatian heritage, my younger years filled with tales of hero’s and villains, of Slavic gods and mythology. Based on historical events, I have interwoven Slav mythological creatures as the enemy of all mankind.

    I look forward to your positive reply.

    Kind Regards
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Re: Another attempt - QL take XXXL

    Hi, SR,
    I'm not excited about it. The pieces are there but seem out of order. Let's move some stuff around, see if it works better.

    Throughout mankind’s history they appear. They invade, they disease, they destroy, they devour. Tonight, in the year 924AD, the hunt has begun againperiod

    NP The Jezi Babas have returned.

    I moved this from lower down, to establish the link between C and the JBs. Cecilia had long heard the stories; the maliciousness of the Jezi Babas, their powers, their abilities and their foul, cruel natures. Someone had to stalk them while they hunted. Someone had to be at the ready- and Perun , Slav God of Thunder and Lightning, had selected her; Cecilia.

    NP She did not know why she was chosen, she only knew that it was as it should be. Blind faith.

    [s]Cecilia hadn’t expected much of the remainder of her life. Tending her chickens, selling her wares at the local village market, life was rhythmic, seasonal and for the most part predicable. Even His talks with her had become common-place.[/s]

    I[s]n the final stages of her life, she longed only to again be reunited with her beloved parents in the garden of Ever-Lasting-Spring. She certainly hadn’t expected to be selected by Him; Perun – Slav God of Thunder and Lightning, as the one to halt the immortal witches[/s]. She also hadn’t imagined the price for immortality to be so high; never to enter the gates of the afterlife.

    The personal cost was great. [s]Regardless, reservations or not, Cecilia needed to trust in her faith, in her God and in her instincts[/s]. If the price for mankind’s salvation was to walk an eternity between the shadows of man and the Gods, so it must be – blind faith; believe in your cause with complete conviction.

    [s]Cecilia had long heard the stories; the maliciousness of the Jezi Babas, their powers, their abilities and their foul, cruel natures. Someone had to stalk them while they hunted. Someone had to be at the ready- and Perun selected her; Cecilia. She did not know why she was chosen, she only knew that it was as it should be. Blind faith.[/s]

    For one thousand years she shadowed the creatures, learning, preparing. For one thousand years they attempted to stop her. And for one thousand years, Cecilia prepared for the final battle and for their ultimate capture or her ultimate demise.

    Time, seasons and centuries passed. [s]It was now the[/s] In the 21st Century [s]and t[/s]he final battle [s]had begun………….[/s] begins.

    [s]Spanning a period of eleven hundred years,[/s] ZVONIMIR’S CURSE is an 115,000-word historical fantasy set against European history and Slavic mythology.

    This story draws on my Croatian heritage, my younger years filled with tales of hero’s and villains, of Slavic gods and mythology. [s]Based on historical events, I have interwoven Slav mythological creatures as the enemy of all mankind.[/s]

    [s]I look forward to your positive reply. [/s] You bet. That's why you're beating your brains out on the Q. Just say thanks for your consideration.
    See how that works for you.

    Stan

  3. #3
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    Re: Another attempt - QL take XXXL

    Thanks Stan,

    I see how its out of order. Much appreciated.

    I have a funeral on tomorrow so will work on this over the weekend.
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Re: Another attempt - QL take XXXL

    Hi SR,

    I see some things that work here and some things that don't. It's definitely an improvement over the prior versions.

    Biggest concern: someone who hasn't seen prior versions of the query might conclude that the story actually starts where your query ends - in the 21st century armageddobigbattleshindig - and you've made the cardinal error of filling up your query with scene-setting and backstory. I know the reader would be wrong in that conclusion, but if that's the impression the query is giving, your query has a problem.

    Second concern: way too much of this is telling us Cecilia's feelings about things and how firm her faith is. That's telling instead of showing (problem one), introspection instead of action (problem two), and off-putting because it seems like you're preaching at the reader through this selfless paragon of a character.

    Third concern: the hook line doesn't hook me because all the vague buildup is like you're keeping a big secret from the reader, and the payoff just isn't that awesome to someone who hasn't spent the last few (months? years?) inventing and filling out the Jezi Babas. Plus, I think the hook line should immediately put the reader's attention on the main character, but that's based on some comments I've seen from agents rather than any real insight I have into the issue, so take that with a grain of salt.

    Fourth concern: grammatical issues. Pervasive grammatical issues. I don't want to plug my own post because...gah, but you should really go read over the ten items I noted in the public Writing Craft forum and see if you've violated any of the rules here.

    I think you have a potentially interesting and certainly ambitious story here, and the Slav mythology tie-in is interesting. Good luck.

    JH

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Re: Another attempt - QL take XXXL

    Thanks H,

    MUCH Appreciated.

    I've just had a shower and am about to get ready for the 'fun' of attending a funeral of someone very beloved by my family, so today is NOT the day to try and improve on the QL.

    Having said that, the points you bring up are really useful. I can clearly see what you are trying to say and can also see the answers.

    Now that the MS is complete (bare the final re-read which is where I bribe friends/family with gifts!), I feel I actually 'know' my story and my characters - and I have to say I'm pretty damn proud of the product!

    I'm not prone to self-indulgence but neither do I believe in false modesty. The MS is not the next 'Thornbirds/The Power of One/Harry Potter' but it has something

    I just need to find that something in my QL without the preaching and make it clear.

    Again thanks
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  6. #6
    Garrett Johnson
    Guest

    Re: Another attempt - QL take XXXL

    I agree with most of Stan's comments, but...


    Satyrical Raven Wrote:
    -------------------------------------------------------

    > Throughout mankind’s history they appear. They
    > invade, they disease, they destroy, they devour.
    > Tonight, in the year 924AD, the hunt has begun
    > again.

    The Jezi Babas have returned.
    >
    [s]> Cecilia hadn’t expected much of the remainder of
    > her life. Tending her chickens, selling her wares
    > at the local village market, life was rhythmic,
    > seasonal and for the most part predicable. Even
    > His talks with her had become common-place.[/s]
    >
    [s]> In the final stages of her life, she longed only
    > to again be reunited with her beloved parents in
    > the garden of Ever-Lasting-Spring.[/s] She certainly
    > hadn’t expected to be selected by Him; Perun –
    > Slav God of Thunder and Lightning, as the one to
    > halt the immortal witches. She also hadn’t
    > imagined the price for immortality to be so high;
    > never to enter the gates of the afterlife.Like this part, but think you could do a better job of paring it down.
    >
    > [s]The personal cost was great.[/s] You just established that in your previous paragraph. Regardless,
    > [s]reservations or not, Cecilia needed to trust in
    > her faith, in her God and in her instincts.[/s] If
    > the price for mankind’s salvation was to walk an
    > eternity between the shadows of man and the Gods,
    > so it must be – [s]blind faith; believe in your
    > cause with complete conviction.[/s]
    >
    > Cecilia had long heard the stories; the
    > maliciousness of the Jezi Babas, their powers,
    > their abilities and their foul, cruel natures.
    > Someone had to stalk them while they hunted. You're going back in time here, which makes it difficult to follow. I thought you were through with the backstory stuff after Cecilia had been selected, now we're getting more of it.
    > [s]Someone had to be at the ready- and Perun selected
    > her; Cecilia. She did not know why she was
    > chosen, she only knew that it was as it should be.
    > Blind faith.[/s] You already told us Perun selected her.
    >
    > For one thousand years she shadowed the creatures,
    > learning, preparing. For one thousand years they
    > attempted to stop her. Stop her from doing what? Nothing more than following them? And for one thousand
    > years, Cecilia prepared for the final battle and
    > for their ultimate capture or her ultimate demise. This paragraph is better, because we're finally getting some sense of the plot.
    >
    >
    > Time, seasons and centuries passed. It [s]was[/s] is now the
    > 21st Century and the final battle [s]had[/s] has
    > begun………….
    >
    > Spanning a period of eleven hundred years,
    > ZVONIMIR’S CURSE is an 115,000-word historical
    > fantasy set against European history and Slavic
    > mythology.
    >
    > This story draws on my Croatian heritage, [s]my
    > younger years filled with tales of hero’s and
    > villains, of Slavic gods and mythology. Based on
    > historical events, I have interwoven[/s] interweaving Slav
    > mythological creatures as the enemy of all
    > mankind.
    >
    > [s]I look forward to your positive reply.[/s] Thank you for your time and consideration
    >
    > Kind Regards

  7. #7
    Rich Plowden
    Guest
    That sounds like a really interesting book.

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