Another Query Attempt

[leslee]

Beings from a different world could attack at any minute
the beings want one of two things: his power so they can take over their world or his death so he can’t stop them.

First, referring to them as "beings" makes it seem like you don't even know what you're dealing with. What are they?

Second, the idea is presented in such a lackluster and familiar manner as to be the storyline for any number of books we've already read, movies we've already seen. What makes yours different? What's special about it? This letter reads like you're trying to keep a secret from the agent - the real storyline - and that's a mistake. Fess up. What is your book about?

[Josh Maher]

@ Stan: I have several counterpoints to your argument and one agreement. I am going to bump it up to YA, but you're premise of aliens (I know you haven't read it) is wrong.

To your first point, the "beings" aren't from another planet. They're from another "world". Imagine Middle Earth and our world today interacting, but the other place isn't Middle Earth. The tech of the other place is pre-gunpowder, so complete elimination just isn't reasonable.

Second, again the revolt isn't on the other side of the galaxy. Brett is given his power, and his power (along with his friends powers) is the only thing that can stop the beings so naturally they don't want them around. However, if the beings can gain control of Brett's power, their leader who will then be all but invincible. Brett (and the reader) doesn't know it in the first book that eventually he and his friends will have to go to the other "place" and fight in the war that's going on there, where either they win and stop the revolution or lose and the world is lost forever.

Lastly, I'm not saying aliens (other planet aliens) are attacking and I actually make that very clear in the MS. I think the bump up in category will help this since the readers will have a better understanding of the world around them.


@ Leslee: I used the term "beings" because if I said aliens then I would always get a reaction like Stan's, which isn't what I want. Like you've suggested to me before, the query is bland. It needs more pizazz, and I'm trying to work on that. You ask for it, you got it.

Basic storyline: Brett is attacked by one of the beings. He is saved by his element (electricity) which sends him off to the other world to be trained (although he doesn't know he's in another world). His teacher gives him the basics of controlling electricity then sends him back (again, doesn't know he's travelling between worlds) to protect his home. Brett continues training without help/tries to live normally. Other attacks happen, and he has to fend them off without anyone finding out. During one attack his friends are in danger, and they saved by their elements and swept away like Brett was and taught basics. They control other elements. Brett is brought along and they all learn why beings want to kill them/want their power. They all return and attacks start happening more frequently. Eventually, trend of attacks is linked to strange activities/decisions coming from a nearby logging company (the town they live in serves as a home for the loggers and their families). They investigate, and find out the beings are impersonating actual people and using logging company as safe-house until they can kill them all. Beings launch all out attack since they've been discovered leading to big battle at the end. Brett and friends win.

That's the basic outline. Of course there's some detail that would help some parts make sense, but it would make it wayyy too long to put everything in.


Wow that was a long post...

[Jena Grace]

How old is your MC (something I didn't see mentioned in your queries, unless I missed it--which is very possible)? Because the difference between MG and YA isn't simply the word count.

[Josh Maher]

Old meaning what exactly? I know I can't just magically say abracadabra! and it's a YA.. I have to go back and edit a lot of stuff but the storyline will be the same.

[Stan Miller]

To your first point, the "beings" aren't from another planet. They're from another "world". Imagine Middle Earth and our world today interacting, but the other place isn't Middle Earth. The tech of the other place is pre-gunpowder, so complete elimination just isn't reasonable.

Then I retract my comments on content. But it still may better fit the YA market than MG. That's for you to decide.

Carry on.

Stan

[Josh Maher]

It's all good.. As a writer I have to be able to take scrutiny and criticism in stride right? I'd rather be grilled then candy-coated when it's not that good.

I will bump it up to YA though.. That I think is necessary. Thanks for the help

[Jena Grace]

Does your protag have an AGE? That was the question.

[Josh Maher]

Yes.. Sorry I didn't get that right away. He recently turned 15

[Jena Grace]

Thanks. And be sure to add that to your query. Good luck!

[Josh Maher]

Thanks for the encouragement Jena.. Do you think it's a good query besides the no age part?