Another Query Attempt

[Jena Grace]

85 K is waaaay too long for a MG novel. 30 to 50 is around average. And don't say you can't cut it. You can.

[Stan Miller]

Better. Go beat on it some more. It's getting there.

And looks like you're going to have to take a chop saw to the ms. Upper middle grade? Around 40K according to this. So you may two books there, if you can find a place somewhere close to the middle where you can separate them.

Stan

[leslee]

Thanks for that link, Stan.

[Keith .]

Upper MG can go as high as 65k but you almost never hear of it, especially from a debut author. However, 55-60k is not out of the question.

[Mark Phillips]

Much, much better than the first query you posted a while back. I agree it's taking shape and making me want to read it more and more.

[Josh Maher]

Thanks Mark.. I agree it's much, much better than what I originally had.

It's getting close

[Josh Maher]

Yeah I agree with you that can be better.. Did you like the rest of it besides that line Leslee?

[Josh Maher]

Another attempt..


Dear (Agent),

Two days ago, Ferdindale was a peaceful, close-knit town in upstate New York. Now, it’s a war zone.

Beings from a different world could attack at any minute and it’s Brett Ruvelle’s job to stop them, although he’s not doing it by choice. Brett has discovered the power to manipulate electricity, and the beings want one of two things: his power so they can take over their world or his death so he can’t stop them.

Brett must protect himself and his power along with everyone he knows and loves; everyone, until his four closest friends discover unique abilities of their own and unite with him. This new twist raises the stakes for both sides, putting the fates of both worlds on the gambling table.

ELEMENTALS: NEW BEGINNINGS is an 85,000 word middle grade fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Stan Miller]

Two days ago, Ferdindale was a peaceful, close-knit town in upstate New York. Now, it’s a war zone.

Beings from a different world could attack at any minute and it’s Brett Ruvelle’s job to stop them, although he’s not doing it by choice. Brett has discovered the power to manipulate electricity, and the beings want one of two things: his power so they can take over their world or his death so he can’t stop them.

I don't usually comment on content, but I'll make an exception here. This is going to be harsh, but I see no way around it. Sorry. Plot holes abound. First, any spacefaring civilization that decides to destroy earth has the tech to hang out in the asteroid belt and send a few big rocks our way. Bang, no more humans. Second, how can a nonspacefaring world (us) affect a revolt on the other side of the galaxy? Third, you're telling MGers that they will die if aliens contact us. I don't want that message spread to my kids.

Can you rework your story in a way that makes more sense (and won't scare the pants off the kids)? If not, you may have to move up to YA with this, where your readership has more life experience and can better differentiate between the possible and impossible.

Brett must protect himself and his power along with everyone he knows and loves; everyone, until his four closest friends discover unique abilities of their own and unite with him. This new twist raises the stakes for both sides, putting the fates of both worlds on the gambling table.

Stan, sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

[Keith .]

Piggybacking Stan's comments, you will never sell an 85k MG debut. They say to never say never? Well, I'm saying never. If you decide to listen to Stan's advice to rewrite, and IMO he is absolutely right, you need to cut it by a third while you're at it. That may mean a more linear plot line and/or cutting extraneous characters. Even if you can tighten your prose, 33% without major changes is a tall order. Start by reading several MG novels. Here are some sites to browse. Luck.

Mixed Up Files for MG Authors
Middle Grade Ninja
Whacha Reading Now?
Kid Lit Blog
Tween Talk This isn't a writing site. It's a highly moderated Kids board, great for insight into what today's kids think, like, etc.