Another Query Attempt

[Josh Maher]

Dear (Agent),

All Brett Ruvelle wants out of life is something more exciting than going to high school and hanging out with his friends. Well, he’s getting his wish.

Brett discovers he has the power to manipulate electricity, which fuels fantasies of fame and superhero stardom. The only problem is his hometown is under attack from beings, hailing from a different world, who want one of two things: his power or his death.

In an isolated, close-knit town Brett must fend off his attackers while concealing his identity and predicament from everyone he knows and loves; everyone, until his four closest friends discover unique abilities of their own and unite with him. While foiling evil plots can be full of apprehension, exhilaration, and fulfillment, it can also blind you to the enemies in your own back yard.

ELEMENTALS: NEW BEGINNINGS is an 85,000 word middle grade fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Stan Miller]

Hi Josh,
I'll [s]chop it to bits[/s] take a look...

All Brett Ruvelle wants out of life is something more exciting than going to high school and hanging out with his friends. Well, he’s getting his wish.

Brett discovers he has the power to manipulate electricity, which fuels fantasies of fame and superhero stardom. The only problem is his hometown is under attack from beings, hailing from a different world, who want one of two things: his power or his death.

In an isolated, close-knit town Brett must fend off his attackers while concealing his identity and predicament from everyone he knows and loves; everyone, until his four closest friends discover unique abilities of their own and unite with him. While foiling evil plots can be full of apprehension, exhilaration, and fulfillment, it can also blind you to the enemies in your own back yard.

There's a hint of the MC's motivation in this. But it falls flat. Instead of wanting to be the superhunk that rescues the whole cheerleading squad when their bus plunges into a ravine, he just wants...what? He wants something more exciting than going to HS. Big deal. Give him something big, something large, and above all, something NOT vague.

So what does he do to get it? Well--he can throw lightning bolts from his fingertips. Holy awesome superpower, Batman. But what does he do with that power? Zap alien beings hailing from a different world? Huh? Where did those dudes come from? Can you say contrived plot? Maybe not but that's what it looks like from here.

What are the stakes? What happens if he fails? His power will become public knowledge and the cheerleaders will flock, yes flock around him. So what's wrong with that? And where did the enemys in the back yard come from? (You switched to 2nd person in that sentence, by the way).

So this crit doesn't make sense, you say. Well, it reflects the query, Sorry.

Read the thread titled Query and Synopsis Structure. Go to AgentQuery and study their hook/plot/bio method. This one may work best using that structure. Also check out the links in the Query Resources thread. Then rewrite and repost and you'll get a recrit. And maybe it will make more sense.
Stan

[Josh Maher]

Thanks for the info Stan.. I did slip into the second person..can't believe I didn't catch that on the edit :X

[leslee]

This is far from the worst of query letters. The problem, for me, is that it's so bland, I don't know if I'd ask to read more.

In a Q letter, you're trying to persuade an agent (who has read a zillion letters) that you have something unique. Read your letter, and try to see if as though you knew nothing about your book. Does it make you want to read more? I doubt it.

The good thing is that you haven't stuffed it full of irrelevant junk that has to be removed. The bad thing is that it lacks the zing that makes a query letter irresistible. And you've got some punctuation that's out of place.

Read it again and remember that every word matters. Show the agent the storyline. Don't hold back. What is your book about? That's what you want them to know.

[Josh Maher]

Thanks for the praise and advice Leslee.. I'll rework it and see it I can spice it up.

Were the opening lines, in your opinion, a good hook, or should that be reworked as well?

[Josh Maher]

Next attempt:


Dear (Agent),

Two days ago, Ferdindale was a peaceful, close-knit town in upstate New York. Now, it’s a war zone.

Brett Ruvelle has discovered the power to manipulate electricity, which fuels fantasies of fame and superhero stardom. His only problem? Beings from a different world know where he is and want one of two things: his power so they can take over their world, or his death so he can’t stop them.

Brett must protect himself along with everyone he knows and loves; everyone, until his four closest friends discover unique abilities of their own and unite with him. Foiling evil plots with superhuman powers may be fulfilling, but gambling with the fates of two worlds has high stakes. Especially, when unknown enemies lay waiting in the backyard.

ELEMENTALS: NEW BEGINNINGS is an 85,000 word middle grade fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[leslee]

"Two days ago, Ferdindale was a peaceful, close-knit town in upstate New York. Now, it’s a war zone.

Brett Ruvelle has discovered the power to manipulate electricity, which fuels fantasies of fame and superhero stardom. His only problem? Beings from a different world know where he is and want one of two things: his power so they can take over their world, or his death so he can’t stop them."

I like this opening line, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the next one. Can you see that? It seems like two different stories. If it were mine, I'd keep that first line and start the second paragraph so it seems like it's connected to the war zone idea.

You're looking for a flow to the read. This leading to this. It isn't here yet, but I do like that first sentence.

[Josh Maher]

I see your point Leslee.. I guess I'll take it once line/paragraph at a time. The first line is done, now onto the next one :-p

[Josh Maher]

How about:

Dear (Agent),

Two days ago Ferdindale was a peaceful, close-knit town in upstate New York. Now, it’s a war zone.

Beings from a different world are attacking and it’s all Brett Ruvelle’s fault . . . well, sort of. Brett has discovered the power to manipulate electricity, and the beings want one of two things: his power so they can take over their world, or his death so he can’t stop them.

Brett must protect himself and his power along with everyone he knows and loves; everyone, until his four closest friends discover unique abilities of their own and unite with him. This new twist raises the stakes for both sides, putting the fates of both worlds on the gambling table.

ELEMENTALS: NEW BEGINNINGS is an 85,000 word middle grade fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[leslee]

Beings from a different world are attacking and it’s all Brett Ruvelle’s fault . . . well, sort of.

Okay, slow down. Consider. Give it a little time to percolate. Because you know this is weak. You can come up with something stronger.