Excerpt in need of critique

[Flap Jack]

This is an excerpt from the first draft of a short story I've been working on. This scene is about a teenager named Charlie and his girlfriend. All you really need to know is that Charlie feels like his life is falling apart since his mom has just left, his recovering alcoholic uncle has mysteriously appeared, his dad hates his girlfriend (the only person he actually loves), and his grandma is crazy. Fun stuff! Anyways, I would really appreciate some good, honest critique. Thank you, Jack

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Charlie was face down, spread eagle on the floor of Sasha’s bedroom. He pressed his nose into the dusty, orange carpet. “I just can’t take it anymore,” he said, his voice muffled by the carpet. Charlie looked pretty much like his dad in every respect, except he didn’t have glasses, and his teeth were better—more like his mom’s straight, white ones. At thirteen he also towered at six feet, making him, he was proud to say, a full inch taller than his dad.

Sasha sat on the her bed, doing a crossword puzzle with a green pen.The radio played some alternative band’s newly released song that her favorite station had been playing about every forty five minutes all afternoon. She turned town the volume slightly.

“You really don’t know why your uncle is here?” She asked.

“Not a clue,” Charlie said, slowly annunciating each word. He rolled over and groaned. “Muriel was wearing my boxers this morning.”

Sasha scrunched her nose and laughed. “That woman is nutso.”

“I know,” Charlie said. He started making popping noises with his lips. Sasha filled in a column.

“Your mom should put her in a home,” she said. Charlie stopped popping.

“Don’t say that,” he said, “that makes me sad.”

“It shouldn’t,” Sasha said. “My grandma’s in a home and she’s totally happy. She gets to hang with other old people who, like, get her. They play bingo and stuff.”

Charlie rolled over again. “Sounds like daycare for old people.”

“Exactly,” Sasha said. “What’s a six letter word for hate?”

“I don’t know,” Charlie said. “Will you focus on my predicament for a second?” He picked at the fuzz balls and crumbs that were embedded in the carpet.

“Ah, enmity,” Sasha said. She filled in a row and then put down the puzzle to look at Charlie. “Babe, come here.” He didn’t move. She slipped off the bed and onto the floor. Her toes touched his brown hair. “Look at me, will you?”

Charlie groaned again and then turned on his side to face her. He frowned. “This sucks,” he said.

He wasn’t sure if he was more angry or sad about the recent changes in his life; whether they warranted cursing or crying. Both, probably, although he wasn’t about to do either in front of Sasha. He didn’t want her to call him immature. She was always so composed about how she dealt with ****. Charlie wondered why, and then figured she’d just had more practice.

She tucked a lock of Charlie’s hair behind his ear. “I love your hair,” she said softly. “It’s so dark and natural.” Charlie smiled, showing the straight teeth that he got from his mother Julie.

“I love your hair,” he said, looking at the purple curls that paused right above her shoulders. He liked especially when she laughed and they bounced. “How can you love my hair? My hair is so boring compared to yours.”

Sasha shook her head, tossing the curls slightly. “It’s not about how exciting your hair is. It’s if it suits you.”

“And you think my hair suits me?” He asked. Sasha nodded.

“Alright then,” Charlie said and stroked one of her pale leg with his fingertips. “I think your hair suits you too.” He reached out towards her, and she bent foreword so he could touch one of her purple ringlets.

“Thank you,” she said. Charlie thought that Sasha was good at taking compliments. Not like some girls who became annoyingly shy or insisted on insincerely complimenting you back. Sasha was always genuine. Charlie liked that.

The rain beat harder against Sasha’s bedroom window. Charlie inched closer to her on the floor and pressed his cheek against her thigh.

“Ugh, I don’t want go home,” he said. “Can’t I just stay here with you, like, forever?”

“Please, you’re dad hates me enough already,” Sasha said, placing her warm hand on Charlie’s back. Well, Charlie couldn’t deny that.

“Who cares,” he said.

“You’d get sick of me,” Sasha said.

“Never,” Charlie said.

“Ah, so you say.”

“Honest,” Charlie said. He strained his neck to look at her from the ground. “So really, if those are you’re only objections—”

“Oh c’mon, cheer up,” Sasha said. “I know this blows. But you’re a stand up kid. What is it they say? 'This too shall pass'.”

Charlie pressed his lips to her thigh and kissed it. He wanted to thank her for being so wise. He kissed her thigh again, a little higher, and then her stomach, and then her chest. Sasha laughed. He paused when he reached her mouth. Her mouth was his sanctuary. He loved those wet, full lips. He loved the way they blushed rose when he sucked on them. While he was zipping up his rain jacket, and while he was sprinting back home through pouring sheets of water, and while he was ducking under a tree branch, he could only think about that mouth. That soft, warm mouth. It was about the only thing he could rely on these days.

[Author Pendragin]

@FlapJack,

Not bad, IMHO, but it could use some tightening.

Charlie looked pretty much like his dad in every respect, except he didn’t have glasses, and his teeth were better—more like his mom’s straight, white ones.

Could be: Charlie looked pretty much like his dad in every respect, except without the glasses, and his teeth were better— straight, like his mom’s.

Sasha sat on the her bed,

Should be: Sasha sat on her bed.

The radio played some alternative band’s newly released song that her favorite station had been playing about every forty five minutes all afternoon.

Could be tightened as well.

Her favorite station played some alternative band's newly released song, which it had been playing about every forty-five minutes all afternoon.

Or, this: “I know,” Charlie said. He started making popping noises with his lips. Sasha filled in a column.

Should be:

“I know,” Charlie said, making popping noises with his lips. Sasha filled in a column.


First drafts normally lay the foundation that you go back on, so you should try to make sure all your elements are there. Where are you planning on progressing from here?

[Author Pendragin]

Oh, and dialog tags aren't normally mandated with fewer than three characters.

[Author Pendragin]

Also, about the mouth thing, for lack of a better word -- even though I dread using this one-- is borderline cliche. Saying "he pressed his lips and kissed' is redundant. Isn't, by definition, pressing your lips to something kissing it? There. I said it. How does he know they are blushing red if he's sucking on them? In addition to that, full lips are attractive, but I don't know about wet ones.

[Flap Jack]

Thanks Author, some really good suggestions. I agree- definitely needs some tightening.

As for where I'm going with it... well, definitely need to work on that!
Actually, this is the first scene from Charlie's perspective in the story. Charlie's issues with his dad are some of the key conflicts of the plot, and so I suppose I was trying to present the reader with a bit of who Charlie is and what he feels like as a thirteen old boy experiencing so many unsettling changes. And of course, I hope that that understanding of Charlie will give more depth to the story.

Is that logical? I kind of felt that, without some digging into his head, Charlie became just another angsty-teenage boy (ha, well, I suppose that is what he is, but I didn't want him to be flat, if that makes sense).

--Jack

[jayce]

This isn't badly written, but it's boring as hell. You've used up 800-plus words--three manuscript pages--in which nothing happens. And I don't mean an absence of fistfights, explosions, and murders, I mean a total lack of tension. C'mon, kick it in gear and get to the story.

[Author Pendragin]

Yes, it is logical and good job on wanting to make him more of a three dimensional character. A good book to read is sol stein's "on writing". It covers just such issues. I would advise against cliche's to describe problems. First, you cheat your MC out of being unique. Second, playing it safe doesn't always work out.

@Jayce,

Normally, that happens when you're writing to get your mechanics down pat. It's akin to dipping the tip of your big toe into the water before diving in. You don't take too many chances, and you write just to make sure you got everything in order. To your comment, I would suggest that maybe the OP post something further along in the book.

[Brad Mathews]

When describing how something is said, I find it best to describe the vocal effect before the actual string of dialog. First you read, "Not a clue," and then you read how it was said. Then you re-read the dialog. It may be minor, but it disrupts the flow of the reading.
Otherwise, it looks fine. There are always a couple of things to tighten up. One other thing I would note is that there didn't seem to be any tension or conflict. If such exists either immediately before or after this sequence, try shortening it to bridge the gap better. If not, there are plenty of ways you could create conflict. I'm not about to tell you how, as it is your story.
Keep trying!

[Lea Zalas]

Here's just a few comments with changes and suggestions in red:

Sasha sat on the her bed, doing a crossword puzzle with a green pen.The radio played some alternative band’s newly released song that her favorite station had been playing about every forty five minutes all afternoon. She turned town the volume slightly. Sasha sat on her bed, doing a crossword puzzle and listening to an alternative rock station on the the radio. She leaned over and turned the volume down. “You really don’t know why your uncle is here?” (Combining these two paragraphs flows better.)

“Not a clue,” [s]Charlie said, slowly annunciating each word.[/s] He rolled over and groaned. “Muriel was wearing my boxers this morning.”

“I know,” [s]Charlie said[/s]. He started making popping noises with his lips. [s]Sasha filled in a column[/s].

Sasha was still concentrating on the crossword. “Your mom should put her in a home,” [s]she said[/s]. Move the next sentence to the beginning of the next paragraph:

Charlie stopped popping at that offhanded comment. “Don’t say that,” he said, “that makes me sad.”

[s]While he was zipping up his rain jacket, and while[/s]As he [s]was sprinting[/s] sprinted [s]back[/s] home through pouring sheets of water, [s]and while he was ducking under a tree branch,[/s] he could only think about that mouth.

Just my suggestions.

Lea