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  1. #1
    imported_Kathy Loop
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    Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    I'm editing my novel I wrote shortly after I graduated high school. I have no one anywhere else to get their opinions. I accept good and bad comments as long as they are honest. I want to become a better writer.

    Opening:

    Alexandra waited.
    She continued to wait.
    Alex was planning to escape her hometown. Her first problem – escape the castle undetected. The second problem – getting the witch doctor to change her into a human.
    Alex knew the truth and no one believed her except her best friend. She wanted to escape and get away. Alexandra was tired of being a princess in the castle of Crystal Waters.
    Alex continued to wait in her bedroom, watching through her hole she has for a window. There were a few mermaids left to head home to bed.
    Many villagers had been intoxicated for today was Alexandra’s twenty-first birthday. She figured tonight would be the best time to escape.


    I know it's not a very big example. I'm trying to rewrite and I want to know if I'm headed off to a good start? Please help!



  2. #2
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    Re: Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    "Alexandra waited.
    She continued to wait."

    But the reader won't wait. I don't think you can start off with something this slow. It isn't engaging. You're going to lose them in two lines.

    Also, please notice this:

    "Alexandra waited.
    Alex was planning
    Alex knew
    Alexandra was tired
    Alex continued
    today was Alexandra’s"

    Sometimes a writer falls in love with their character's name and endlessly repeats it. All this repetition of her name in such a short post is not helping you.

  3. #3
    imported_Kathy Loop
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    Re: Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    okay. I changed it to her name because I had "She" so many times. Thanks. Any other help?

  4. #4
    Senior Member Frank Baron's Avatar
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    Re: Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    This should be in the Writing Craft forum, Kathy. That's the one below this one. Our moderator will move it for you.

    There's too much telling in your opening. That makes it flat. And waaaaaay too many repititions of "Alex." You could show her anxiety by placing us where she is, in a room of the castle, pacing and maybe chewing a fingernail as she hatches her escape plan. Give us a little detail as to the room she's in, so we can visualize it, and her.

    Name her friend. Describe the last few drunken stragglers leaving the party, arm-in-arm, leaning on each other.

    Try to visualize your scenes in some detail as you write them. Don't ignore your other senses. Write about sounds and smells and tastes and touch. Little details add up to form a more fully-realized, three-dimensional world, one that's easy for readers to get immersed in.

    Keep working at it. And remember, 90% of writing is rewriting.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Re: Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    It isn't particularly interesting. I'd call that a problem. It doesn't indicate any writing style at all. It reads like a list.

    You've got "escape" three times. Repetition like that doesn't help you.

    The storyline isn't clear. What's the story about?

    Your sentence construction is poor. You're jumping tenses.

    Examples:

    "Alex continued to wait in her bedroom, watching through her hole she has for a window."

    Continued/she has. Can you see the problem?

    "Many villagers had been intoxicated for today was Alexandra’s twenty-first birthday. She figured tonight would be the best time to escape."

    Can you see the problems there?

    I'd say you have some basic homework to do before you continue. If you can read what you posted here and not find the obvious errors in it, you need to educate yourself regarding sentence structure.

  6. #6
    imported_Kathy Loop
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    Re: Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    Thanks. I will work on these and post later swith ome revising.

  7. #7
    imported_Kathy Loop
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    Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    -- moved topic --

  8. #8
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    Re: Is this a good opening? Very Short example.

    I think if you start with this it'll make things more interesting:

    'Watching through a hole that passes for a window, Alexandra noticed only a few mermaids remained. This would be the best night to try and excape Crystal Waters Castle. Planning the escape was the easy part, convincing the witch to transform her into human, was an altogether different matter. "But one thing at a time" she mumbled.'
    if the wine is sour – throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

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