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  1. #21
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    272

    Re: Conceptual First Page, please dissect

    Sorry, but isn't Henry the MC's name in The Time Traveller's Wife? Maybe a little too close...



  2. #22
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    5

    Re: Conceptual First Page, please dissect

    You have storytelling ability, & that's a good thing. But as a piece, it's slow off the blocks -- as a spoken-word piece, it might work, addressing an audience as they get used to you standing onstage. On paper... not so much.

    A few years ago I wrote a story that I'm still pleased (mostly) with. I sat down & dove into it, just going stream-of-consciousness until the plot actually began to take form. Then I went back & mercilessly (or mercifully) slashed the first few pages down to a couple of sentences. So I hope you understand I'm not being at all mean when I say that what I see here is you "clearing out the trash" as you build steam to get into the story proper.

    Even though I find it off-putting of itself, you've already begun to set up points that I think could build toward an interesting story. So long as you remember that your every word is not golden, & might end up pared away, I hope you'll keep at it.

  3. #23
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    12
    To C.K.: I literally couldn't think of a better way to describe going back in time to a point 9 months before your birth to watch your parents get it on and make you besides simply summing it up as "conception." So I know the denotation of the word and the process of sexual reproduction, I'm just using the term loosely.

    To Emily: Yes, Henry is the MC's name...I'm going to change that up. Thanks for pointing it out. I even have the book mentioned by name at one point, but I don't want to change that so the name goes.

    And to Anthony: Yeah this was just me trying to get a feel for the character and his state of mind. I felt the best way to do that was come up with a ridiculous and uncommon reason for time travel. I might not even have that as part of the story because I've got an actual plot now. But I'd like to keep it in there and maybe it could eventually be pared away... as you said.

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