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  1. #1
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    And Then She Left (Part 2)

    She looked at me with strange eyes, putting the stuff on the basin. I tried reading them but failed miserably.I was sure they were moist and it was not just an illusion. My curiosity level was increasing.
    “Tell me?” I asked-trying to act concerned and, was surprised at how I did not really have to act and it was natural this time. I did not expect this from myself.
    She raised her eye lashes up picking up the knife that was lying near the stove. I mentally decided how to counter the attack if she was going to try killing me. I was sure I was strong enough to over power her and exit the house safe but, I was confused if I should leave her alive or return the favor If something like that happens.
    “I am sorry, Peter.” She said in a defeated tone picking up an onion that was always lying there but never caught my attention. I was too busy remembering my Karate lessons.
    “What?” my reaction was very clear. I was surprised. These were the last words I expected her to say today. Wait.. What? She was sorry because she was going to kill me? This hit me like hundred bricks and I decided to run away when something started burning my eyes.
    She was cutting that onion into small pieces and crying at the same time- the onion effect, or , was it?
    “What is wrong with you?” I asked taking a step closer to her. I was convinced she was not going to turn into an evil , revengeful wife who would try killing her husband. She was suddenly like an injured tigress . I never saw her like that and she left me worried.
    We have been married for fifteen long years and they were really long from every standard, for both of us. I never really loved her as my wife and she never tried impressing me either. Our twelve year old daughter Jenny was the only reason we were sticking together. We both loved her and knew it was better for her to see her parents live happily together but, such moments were very rare. I don’t remember the last time I was happy with my wife, Sara. She was beautiful and attractive in every way and still looked appealing in her mid thirties , but she never appealed to me in any way. I was not a very bad looking man either. Aged 38, I looked very dashing working in my small Estate Agency with no financial issues but again, that just was not enough.
    She was not a good wife but I never had such complaints as I was not a good husband either. We were just two people who did not like each other but were living together for one purpose. I never gave her anything in those fifteen years but had some respect for her for being a loyal wife and a great mother. Loyal…I was very loyal too. I never needed to cheat on her. I did not crave for anything in my life anymore. I was breathing and waiting for my quota of breaths to run away. I was a lifeless person who ate, moved, slept and had sex occasionally with his wife but was still dead deep down inside.
    A tear that rolled down my eye brought me back to reality. I reminded myself I was not crying and this was really just the onion. I looked at Sara who was still busy chopping onions.
    “Why are you crying?” I asked putting my hand over her shoulder as she turned towards me with her eyes red.
    She cleared her eyes and splashed water over her face from the basin as I waited for her to continue speaking and she finally did.
    “I am sorry, Peter. I know I have not been a good wife all this while. I know I made mistakes and was not perfect from any standard …” I tried speaking up but she raised her hand stopping me from doing so, “Let me continue please…” she requested.
    “Last night changed things for me. I know you were drunk and not in your mind but what you said really changed things for me. I know I’ve missed all these years of love but I don’t want this anymore. I thought about it and I think we should give our relationship another try. I think we should now live for ourselves and not just for our daughter.” She said leaving me stunned as tears started rolling down her cheeks again.



  2. #2
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    Part 1 : http://www.writers.net/forum/read.ph...118#msg-662118

    I know there are mistakes and I'd be able to correct them only with some help or reviewing it after like four weeks.

    Comments will be appreciated.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    Altaf, you may misunderstand the purpose of the Craft board. People post here for feedback or to provide same to others.

    I know there are mistakes and I'd be able to correct them only with some help or reviewing it after like four weeks.

    This sounds like you expect to post early drafts of work and have others do your editing for you. Not only is that rude to others (and rather presumptuous), but also you're shortchanging yourself. Your writing suggests English is not your native tongue. Though you probably speak it very well, you'll need to master English in order to write it convincingly. My suggestion is to find a course on writing English. Google is your friend. Master the language and your new confidence will allow you to enjoy writing even more. Luck.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  4. #4
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    I know I made the wrong statement there.
    What I wanted to say was that..

    Please go through this and point out my strong(if any :P) and weak points so that I can work on them.
    I do not want people to do the corrections. I just want them to give their feedback, suggestions, reviews.

    I have been posting for a while here now(this is like my 5th) and all the reviews, suggestions and advices were really helpful. I have seen a growth in myself.

    >>I know there are mistakes and I'd be able to correct them only with some help or reviewing it after like four weeks.


    I know there are mitakes ( I know my English and punctuation is very poor and that, this is not a master piece)
    I'd be able to correct them only with some help ( I need you people to tell me in which department I have to work the most like...vocab, punctuation or story)
    reviewing it after like four weeks(Someone here suggested that, "One will be able to improve in a better way when that person re-reads what he/she has written after a good amoutn of time-say 4 weeks-... So here I wanted that person to know that I have taken that suggestion very seriously and I am planning to review this part 4 weeks from now and THEN re-post it to know if I have really climbed the ladder upstairs.)

    I did not mean to be rude or offensive.
    I hope it's clear now.

  5. #5
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    And now,
    Yes, English is not my native language. I am reading a lot of books these days and I honestly think that there's been an improvement.
    I have changed my writing style too (as suggested by somenoe earlier).


    More comments and suggestions would be welcome. =)
    I hope it's clearer now.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    Nothing you did was offensive. You just sounded frustrated. I'm sure your grasp of English is miles above any I have of your language, but it's much more difficult to express a second language through the written word. You'll never properly correct grammar or style issues until you master the written language.

    Something that may help would be to read from a novel every day, even if only as a bathroom reader. I'd avoid self-published books because most never see the eye of an experienced editor. Reading will improve your writing immeasurably. Luck.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  7. #7
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    It's obvious that your intentions are good. You're really trying. But your English skills are hampering your efforts so much that it's impossible for someone on a website to help you without rewriting every single sentence.

    The writing is stilted. You are thinking in your own language and attempting to translate to English, instead of thinking in English. That's one reason it isn't working.

    Another thing is that you are writing stuff like this:

    '“What?” my reaction was very clear. I was surprised."'

    Yeah, we know you were surprised. It's clear from "What?" You don't have to tell us you were surprised because you've already told us.

    I think Keith is correct. You need to read more novels. Try to get a feeling for the way sentences are constructed. I would also suggest that you take an advanced English class, one in which you are required to write essays. It would help you a lot.

  8. #8
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    [b]

    Leslee

    Hmm oo yeah that problem. I kind of repeat things.
    It's better to say..
    I say an empty,huge bottle.
    INSTEAD OF
    I say a bottle. It was huge.
    Right?





    @Keith

    Gonna buy myself more novels this weekend :P
    suggest something interesting

  9. #9
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    It's better to say..
    I say an empty,huge bottle.
    INSTEAD OF
    I say a bottle. It was huge.
    Right?


    I don't know what you're trying to say.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: And Then She Left (Part 2)

    Altaf, you never show the reader something, then tell him what you just showed him.

    '“What?” my reaction was very clear. I was surprised."'

    Leslee said: Yeah, we know you were surprised. It's clear from "What?" You don't have to tell us you were surprised because you've already told us.

    She didn't say anything about using multiple adjectives.

    Your sample isn't close enough to fix with critique. That's not because you're a bad writer. Or, more to the point, we can't tell until you fix the English usage. Pick a genre you like and pick an interesting novel from it. If you want to write for the American market, then use a book list from an American source such as Amazon, New York Times, USA Today etc.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

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