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  1. #1
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    Oct 2010
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    And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    I am writing something after like a month . This might not look very good too but I have changed my style a bit. Please comment.



    Decisions

    Standing outside the door with the key in my hand I was lost in some other thoughts. I put the key into the lock and rovolved it opening the door. I put my right foot inside first and felt like something just blasted in my house as I heard a huge “Happy Birthday”-coming from very direction-,and every thing looked different all of a sudden.
    My small living room that is empty most of the time was filled with moving humans today , all of them smiling, singing birthday songs for me. Suddenly, a hurricane of humans was coming towards me and I felt like walking backward and escaping all that was going to unfold in few minutes but before I could do so a hand caught me turning me to the right and standing in front of me was my wife, in a beautiful red fish gown . Before asking her what was this all about she introduced me to the guests as the “Birthday Man” and I cringed at the term. I shook almost two dozen hands , forcing myself to smile each time but not finding a reason good enough to do so.
    I walked towards the bar and picked up a bottle of Alcohol and without giving it a second thought started drinking one after another, and have no clue what followed.

    The next morning I woke up still in the living room with my head spinning like I just got off some merry-go-round kind of ride. I never liked spinning heads. I got up and looked myself in the mirror and admitted to myself that I looked sick.
    My wife came from her…err our bed room and headed to the kitchen ,without giving me any look. I waited, wondering if she would bring last night up herself. She didn’t, and I took a sigh of relief. I did not want to talk about it as I am a bad drunker and any amount of Alcohol can make me go off track. I was sure yesterday was good and I had enough evidents in front of me telling me that. My wife was in the kitchen bu did not bother giving me any look and suddenly, this made me tense. What had I done last night? Was I really bad or, Is she just over reacting?
    My wife was not the silent kinds. She would scream at the top of her voice and would argue over everything. We have had infinite number of fights in our 15 years of marriage and I was so used to it now that she not fighting with me over this bugged me. I tried to think of a reasonwhy she would keep herself busy in the kitchen instead of arguing with me. I thought maybe she want me prepared before unleashing hell over me.
    I was mentally calculating all the possibilities when she came out of the kitchen with a bown in her hand and put it in front of me. The bowl was full of chicken soup. Chicken was my favorite and nothing better than soup in this chilled weather. I sat back on the couch with the soup in front of me on the table as she joined me with two spoons in her hand.
    We both sit there with the soup in front of us and two spoons lying on the table. We were both silent and I thought to be a man and break the ice.

    “Looks delicious.” I said in a complementing tone and from the corner of my eye tried to catch her expression that did not change a bit. She was still sitting silently with a silent face that spoke nothing.
    “Where’s Jenny?” I asked curious this time turning my face to see her clearly.
    “She’s still sleeping. She has the same genes as you-won’t wake up early.” She said and her tone revealed last night was ugly.
    I picked up the spoon from the table and with my hand gestured her to pick her’s up so we can start enjoying the soup.
    Surprisingly,she picked her spoon up and we finished the whole bowl of soup . It was our daughter Jenny who suggested we should eat all our meals from the same bowl as it helps solving problems. She was sick of seeing her parents fight over trivial issues. She was just twelve, but very sensitive and intelligent girl. My genes- I thought to myself.
    She picked up the empty bowl and spoons and headed towards kitchen without uttering another word. I got up and followed her.
    “What’s wrong?” I asked, really curious to know. I tried remembering my best but it was no help. I promised myself to not drink again and this was my tenth promise in last one year and I was sure I would break this one too.



  2. #2
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    You flow in and out with the English language bordering on the good: then back down again to disembarkation by jumbo jet to a pretend foreign land.
    I like you, but I don’t want to kiss you.... though I suspect, realistically you have female tendencies (I mean that in a nice way)

  3. #3
    Member
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    Oct 2010
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    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    Ummm...
    The character is very emotional and sensitive with a strange sense of humor. He is supposed to sound that way.
    My English... ah!

  4. #4
    Member
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    Oct 2010
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    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    It's sad we don't have an edit button here . I want to edit some idiotic mistakes .. damn!

  5. #5
    Senior Member
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    Aug 2010
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    6,016

    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    You could clean them up and re-post.

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
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    142

    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    Much better. You have a better handle on English grammar now and that's great. There are still a few minor things, but (judging on your improvement) your work ethic is good and I'm confident you'll fix those mistakes as well. I liked the voice and the general flow of the piece. One tip: use people instead of humans. The first time you use humans is fine, after that use people because it's much more common and easier to read.

    Kudos on this: I shook almost two dozen hands , forcing myself to smile each time but not finding a reason good enough to do so.

    One of the best sentences I've read in a while.

  7. #7
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    'red fish gown' thats a brilliant one liner... i know this voice

  8. #8
    martin shaw
    Guest

    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    'red fish gown' thats a brilliant one liner... i know this voice

  9. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
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    40

    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    @Leslee

    Yeah I would let me make it a bit longer.

    @Mark

    Thank You very much for the positive feedback. It is really encouraging. I am working on my grammar and I hope when I post the improve version of this very part it will be better.


    @martin

    fish tail gown :P

  10. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
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    487

    Re: And Then She Left.... (Part 1)

    Altair,

    This passage has problems for me that have nothing to do with your grasp of English or grammar. I hope these comments (in caps) are helpful...


    Standing outside the door with the key in my hand I was lost in some other thoughts. AS A FIRST SENTENCE THIS HAS A NUMBER OF ISSUES. FIRST, YOUR CHARACTER IS INTRODUCED AS INACTIVE, PASSIVE, STANDING STILL WHILE THINKING...THAT IS, UNINTERESTING TO THE READER. SECOND, OTHER THOUGHTS THAN WHAT? WE DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE HE MIGHT BE THINKING ABOUT. IF YOU JUST WANT TO SAY HE'S LOST IN THOUGHT, JUST SAY THAT. I put the key into the lock and rovolved it opening the door. WE KNOW HOW KEYS WORK, THIS IS JUST YOU PLODDING THROUGH EVERY DETAIL OF THE SCENE IN YOUR HEAD. YOU CAN COMPRESS THIS TO "I PUT THE KEY IN THE LOCK AND OPENED THE DOOR" OR SIMPLY "I UNLOCKED THE DOOR AND OPENED IT." I put my right foot inside first WHY WOULD THE READER CARE WHICH FOOT HE PUT IN, OR EVEN THAT HE PUT A FOOT IN AT ALL? GET TO SOMETHING INTERESTING and felt like something just blasted in my house WHAT? as I heard a huge “Happy Birthday”-coming from very EVERY direction-, I THINK YOU NEED TO LOOK AT ELIMINATING EXTRANEOUS WORDS AND PARING THIS DOWN and every thing looked different all of a sudden. OKAY, THAT CAN BE AN INTERESTING IMPACT OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" BEING FLUNG AT HIM, BUT "EVERYTHING LOOKED DIFFERENT ALL OF A SUDDEN" IS PRETTY VAGUE. IF WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY IS THAT THE SCENE HE SAW WAS DIFFERENT FROM THE SCENE HE WAS USED TO, I THINK YOU NEED TO REWORK THIS.
    My small living room that is empty most of the time was filled with moving humans today , all of them smiling, singing birthday songs for me. Suddenly, a hurricane of humans was coming towards me WERE THEY JUST MOVING AROUND KIND OF AIMLESSLY, AND THEN FOR NO APPARENT REASON ACTIVATED AND CAME TOWARD HIM? ALSO, "HURRICANE OF HUMANS" IS A GOOD EFFORT AT AN INTERESTING WAY TO DESCRIBE THE PEOPLE COMING AT HIM, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT METAPHOR QUITE GETS ACROSS THE IMAGE YOU WANT and I felt like walking backward and escaping all that was going to unfold in few minutes AWKWARD but before I could do so a hand caught me turning me to the right and standing in front of me was my wife, in a beautiful red fish gown . THAT'S A RUN-ON SENTENCE, BREAK IT UP Before asking her BEFORE I COULD ASK HER what was this all about EXTRA WORDS she introduced me to the guests as the “Birthday Man” and I cringed at the term. I shook almost two dozen hands , DON'T USE THINGS LIKE "ALMOST TWO DOZEN" - YOUR CHARACTER DOESN'T NEED TO PRESENT ALL DETAILS PERFECTLY forcing myself to smile each time but not finding a reason good enough to do so. THAT'S INTERESTING
    I walked towards the bar and picked up a bottle of Alcohol GENERIC, GIVE US SOMETHING MORE SPECIFIC AND INTERESTING and without giving it a second thought DON'T THINK YOU NEED THAT CLAUSE started drinking one after another, and have no clue what followed.


    Good luck.

    JH

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