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  1. #1
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    Dec 2010
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    Revised Chick Lit Query

    Jemma has worked extremely hard for everything she’s achieved. As a Reputation Manager at a top Los Angeles PR firm, she’s handling Hollywoods A-list stars. Her boyfriend of three years is a promising lawyer who is everything she thought she wanted.
    *But when her boyfriend gets a job offer in San Francisco and wants to take their relationship to the next level, asking her to come with him, the mounting pressure makes her wonder. Is she ready for the next step of starting a family and settling down?
    Even though something seems to be missing...
    When a celebrity scandal sends her to Sweden for what is supposed to be just a few days, things take an unexpected turn. Her travel partner turns out to be Tristan, the charming lawyer and savior of one of her biggest clients. And just as she thought she had made up her mind about her future, she is suddenly not so sure.

    Infatuation and other bad habits, is a novel about a woman’s, not always clear path to finding happiness, overcoming insecurities and recognizing love. It is about changing perspective and realizing that sometimes slowing down is the only way to move forward.

    Thank you for reading, I'm very grateful for feedback!

    /Anna



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    Sep 2010
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    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    Jena's comments from your previous post still apply. What is it about your MS that's different. Right now there's nothing that doesn't stop it from going into the 'heard it before' bin.

    If it's an original voice, show it!
    If it's funny, show it!

    Keep at it.

    DK

  3. #3
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    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    Anna,

    Just taking a whack at it, I would probably recommend getting rid of the passive voice in the first sentence; is there any way you can show that worked hard? I'm not sure what the progressive stages for a P.R Manager are, but is there a way you could show instead of tell? Like: Jemma has earned her respect from a (adjective) (Beginner stage) to (Adjective) (end stage) .

    Just a thought.

  4. #4
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    Dec 2010
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    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    You have some odd use of punctuation that needs attention.

    More important is that you attempt to characterize the story for your reader rather than telling the whole story and allowing the reader to think "that sounds interesting."

    Finally, something is missing. It's unclear to me why your character thinks things are so great then flakes out in the face of something new. She may have good motivation in your story, but it needs to show here.

  5. #5
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    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    That first sentence is in the perfect tense, active voice. Please stop telling people things are in the passive voice unless you actually know what the term means. Lord knows, I've explained it more than enough times.

  6. #6
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    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    Punctuation is off.

  7. #7
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    Nov 2010
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    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    Okay forgive me if I sound stupid, but I don't see what she is losing here. This is what I am getting of this: Girl is in relationship with guy, not sure if he's mister right. He wants more out of the relationship, but who knows what she wants. I think after being with someone for three years you actually know what the heck you want? just my opinion. Now, if you said something like it was a two months of romance thing, then yes, it's reality, no one knows what they want out of a relationship of two or even six months.

    Now, let's continue. She is in a high powered position, has to go on a business trip, she starts to what... fall for another guy, what's up with her and lawyers? Sorry, I had to ask.Then what, she realizes what she was better off with other dude? and he did what? did he move on? Kill himself? I mean there has to be something here that says what is the plot of the story. I understand it's chick lit, but I still don't know what she's losing here.

    If this is your story you need to tell it like so: Girl is in a relationship with guy, everything is going great until he is promoted, and forced to move. She can't put in for a job transfer, besides they only been dating for three months. She doubts that he is the one for her, and when he moves she thinks that they can do a long distance relationship. Until she goes on a business trip where she and the illusive but irratiting co worker must work on the same case together. Things heat up, and she starts to fall. But is deceived when she find out he was using her to steal not only this client but all of them, she's left with the big what if question. She tries to rekindle what was left of her relationship with other guy, but he moved on... at least that's what he says or whatever. But do you see? There has to be a plot she fell for the wrong dude, and is now fighting to get him back.

    I hope this kind of helps

  8. #8
    Junior Member
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    Dec 2010
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    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    You guys are awesome!! Thank you for taking the time to give me some very helpful feedback.

    I realize I have to make the plot clearer and work on my punctuation. And, Roza, very valid questions. I see your point. Thank you for being so detailed, it really helps.


    Best,
    Anna

  9. #9
    Senior Member
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    Aug 2010
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    688

    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    @Joe

    Forgive me if I have my tenses mixed up. Let me rephrase. It may be in the perfect tense, but I don't feel engaged. As evidenced by the other critiques, it needs to stand out for its originality. Maybe I'm the only one seeing that. Her first sentence doesn't really work as a hook; it's also telling instead of showing. If it doesn't really capture my attention as a reader, I am guessing that a potential agent might feel the same way.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
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    Aug 2010
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    584

    Re: Revised Chick Lit Query

    Passive voice is not a tense, such as past perfect would be. If the hook doesn't engage you, say so, don't complain that it's passive unless it is.

    Note, however, that it can be passive without being in the Passive Voice as in, "Jane Doe lets people take advantage of her." Jane is being passive, but the sentence isn't, although "Everybody takes advantage of Jane Doe." would probably be better.

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