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Thread: Another query

  1. #1
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    Another query

    Hopefully, this is not too short for a query. Is the Mc's desire clear enough? Also, am I using the dash incorectly? Would this querry be helped any if I used the names of the blond, the cowboy, and the snoop as well as how they are needed? For instance: Crystal Moriston, a beautiful blond with a keen mind and an optimistic outlook.

    Dear Jeannie


    Sam Carpenter was a lone drifter until he found a place where he wasn't alone -- in the universe.


    When a busted radiator leaves Sam stranded in the sleepy town of boredom, he languishes away wanting to be left alone while waiting for his car to be fixed. When the mechanic vanishes inexplicably, Sam will need the help of a beautiful blond, a cantankerous old cowboy,and a snoop to get to the bottom of things. To make matters worse other townsfolk have begun disappearing as the town gets new visitors --from another world.


    -------- is a 93,000 word novel.



  2. #2
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    Re: Another query

    * incorrectly
    *query.

    BAH...HUMBUG..

  3. #3
    Alan Balter
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    Re: Another query

    A few problems in addition to the length:

    1. sleepy town is a bit of a cliche
    2. it's hard to tell if "boredom" is supposed to be the name of the town. If so, it should be capitalized
    3. the way it's written, one might assume that the beautiful blond is a cowboy
    4. You change tense when you write; "Sam will need the help of"
    5. Instead of "have begun" vanishing, consider "begin" vanishing
    6. can't tell who Mc is

    Good luck with your revision.

  4. #4
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    Re: Another query

    Author,

    While I don't think there is any prescribed minimum length for a query (see Herman Melville, query for "Moby-Dick": "MOBY-DICK is a book about a fish"), the query does need to have enough content to adequately describe the book. I don't think this makes it. My comments follow:


    Sam Carpenter was a lone drifter until he found a place where he wasn't alone -- in the universe. THIS ISN'T A HOOK. IT MIGHT BE A FUN TAGLINE FOR A BOOK SLEEVE, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE SAME THING. JUST SAYING "IN THE UNIVERSE" DOESN'T BRING TO MIND THE INVOLVEMENT OF ALIENS, AND THEREFORE AN AGENT IS LIKELY TO READ THIS AS SIMPLY SAYING (IN A SOMEWHAT AWKWARD WAY) THAT SAM WAS A DRIFTER AND THEN MET PEOPLE, WHICH WOULD NOT EXACTLY BE EXCITING OR GROUNDBREAKING FARE.

    When a busted radiator leaves Sam stranded in the sleepy town of boredom, AGREE WITH ALAN'S COMMENTS HERE he languishes away NO. JUST NO. wanting to be left alone while waiting for his car to be fixed. When the mechanic vanishes inexplicably, Sam will need the help of a beautiful blond, a cantankerous old cowboy,and a snoop I DON'T AGREE WITH ALAN'S COMMENT THAT THE COWBOY COULD BE THE BLOND - WHILE TECHNICALLY THAT'S TRUE, I THINK IT'S CLEAR TO THE READER THAT THERE ARE THREE PEOPLE MENTIONED HERE. WHETHER THEY'RE DESCRIBED SUFFICIENTLY TO ATTRACT THE READER'S INTEREST (OR WHETHER THEY'RE SUFFICIENTLY INTERESTING AT ALL) IS A DIFFERENT QUESTION, OF COURSE to get to the bottom of things. To make matters worse other townsfolk have begun disappearing AGREE THIS IS WORDY/AWKWARD as the town gets new visitors --from another world. YOU NEED TO MOVE UP THE "VISITORS FROM ANOTHER WORLD" ANGLE, POSSIBLY INTO YOUR HOOK


    Author, in what aspect is this different from any other "monsters kidnap/kill townsfolk and loner arrives to save the day" story? If it's the character of Sam and how he reacts to the situation (AND IT SHOULD BE), you need to bring that to the fore in your query. A "neat idea" does not a novel make; this story has been done to the point that it's practically its own genre, and only a really revolutionary approach will make it truly unique. When I say "revolutionary approach," by the way, I mean revolutionary approach to the characters and their relationships, not revolutionary approach to the plot. If your "revolutionary approach" consists of something like "The aliens here are descended from sharks and circle their prey before killing them," I'd suggest rethinking the book.

    There is potential here for a humorous story, particularly if Sam and the three Scoobies repel the alien invasion in some offbeat way, or if the aliens turn out to be just visitors rolling through like Sam and want to be left alone until they can get the damn dipole moment fusinizor fixed.

    Good luck.

    JH

  5. #5
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    Re: Another query

    "When a busted radiator leaves Sam stranded in the sleepy town of boredom"

    If the name of the town is Boredom, capitalize it.

  6. #6
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    Re: Another query

    "Sam will need the help of a beautiful blond, a cantankerous old cowboy,and a snoop to get to the bottom of things."

    Oh, and you've got one of those tired old 3 lists going here. It really sticks out in such a short Q letter.

  7. #7
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    Re: Another query

    Why is it, Leslee, that you're the only one complaining about lists of three? Nobody else seems to think they're a problem, just as most of us don't think it's wrong to have a prologue.

  8. #8
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    Re: Another query

    Joe:

    I have no idea why nobody else thinks 3s are a problem, and I don't care. It's my opinion. I will comment about it if I want to.

    I have no idea why anyone thinks it's wrong to have a prologue. I didn't comment about it and I don't care.

    I also don't know why you sometimes feel the need to express your feelings about my posts, but that is also something I don't care about. You've been doing it for years, Joe. I'm still here. Bite me.

  9. #9
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    Re: Another query

    @Leslee,

    Ouch. Calm down, your input is duly noted. Also, Leslee there;s a button on the tabs, in the same row as bold or italics, five buttons from the right. If you press that button, it puts everything in qoutes. I noticed you qouted folks on several of your post, so I hope that helps you out.

  10. #10
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    Re: Another query

    I'm calm, AP. You seem a bit upset. Take it up with Joe. He's been chasing me around this website for years, knocking whatever I post. You're fairly new here, so I wouldn't expect you to know this.

    I don't care about the quote marks.

    You're welcome to ignore my posts. Feel free.

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