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  1. #41
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    21

    Re: They Ones They Took Query

    First off 75% better lets just fix a few things mkay?

    Six years have passed since Mikal Alvo accepted a ride from a church van heading to a festival where he was nearly beaten to death. Now at fourteen, the chance to move on and have a normal life disappears when the scarred man who committed the crime returns.

    Mikal tries to bury his past by never talking about the incident. It becomes impossible when he can't stop hearing the evil man's vow echoing in his head. When he witnesses his childhood abuser at the scene of his cousin's abduction and brother's arrest, it's no longer an idle threat, it's reality. One that Mikal isnít ready to face yet. Terrified, he lets the criminal escape without telling anyone.

    Searching for the courage to speak up, he fails. All chances to redeem himself are lost when the felon returns, this time for Mikal. He must confront his worst fear and bring the abuser to justice in order to survive, but he needs to figure out if the haunting man from the past is actually real or an illusion.



  2. #42
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    16

    Re: They Ones They Took Query

    ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dvadgaghf gadgdagadgrahgargtagtadrgaergtayrg

    Just thought you'd all like to know how the process is going

  3. #43
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    16

    Re: They Ones They Took Query

    I regained some sanity. I think I took too many people's suggestions and transformed the query into something that didn't represent the story. That was my fault for not being clear.

    Here's the latest:

    Date

    Dear (name),

    The church went too far when they tried to save Mikalís soul, and now he canít fix it.

    Mikal has vague memories of what happened six years ago. He dreams of the two men in the church van who took him to a festival, but after that, everything is blocked by images of a scarred man, paralyzing him in terror. Mikal doesnít want to feel the pain of his past, which is why he keeps his childhood journals locked up. The only other way to get away from his troubled history is to leave the city that reminds him of what happened. He sets new life goals: graduate from high school and attend college. But when Mikalís brother says he saw the scarred man, Mikal becomes paranoid. He begins to see and feel the manís presence more frequently, not just in his dreams but in real life, walking the streets and riding in church vans.

    Mikal must read his stored journal and find the connection between the man in his dreams and his pastóeven if it puts his future at risk.

    THE ONES THEY TOOK is a 53,000 word young adult novel based on the true accounts of the children lured away by church vans in Lancaster City, PA. I was one of those children.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,

  4. #44
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,016

    Re: They Ones They Took Query

    "The church went too far when they tried to save Mikalís soul, and now he canít fix it."

    This is an improvement? And you're still not giving any of the storyline in your letter.

    I should probably quit commenting at this point.

    Best of luck to you.

  5. #45
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    263

    Re: They Ones They Took Query

    M,

    I'm beginning to see some motivation. But it's still a bit vague.
    What does the MC want? To lead a normal life. Go to college. Get a girl. Buy a house. Stuff like that. Normal stuff that we all want, right?
    What does the MC do to get it? Forget about his past, the victimization he endured.
    What happens if he doesn't get what he wants? Put his future at risk.

    Hmmm...

    What if you could answer those a different way?
    What does he want? To roast the dirtbag's nuts over a campfire.
    What does he do to get it? Tracks the muth*^$^^er down. Strings him up by his thumbs.
    What happens if he doesn't get it? The dirtbag roams free to do the same thing to other kids.

    Which one grabs your interest?

    Stan

  6. #46
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    263

    Re: They Ones They Took Query

    M,

    I'm beginning to see some motivation. But it's still a bit vague.
    What does the MC want? To lead a normal life. Go to college. Get a girl. Buy a house. Stuff like that. Normal stuff that we all want, right?
    What does the MC do to get it? Forget about his past, the victimization he endured.
    What happens if he doesn't get what he wants? Put his future at risk.

    Hmmm...

    What if you could answer those a different way?
    What does he want? To roast the dirtbag's nuts over a campfire.
    What does he do to get it? Tracks the muth*^$^^er down. Strings him up by his thumbs.
    What happens if he doesn't get it? The dirtbag roams free to do the same thing to other kids.

    Which one grabs your interest?

    Stan

  7. #47
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    263

    Re: They Ones They Took Query

    Sorry about the double post. Dunno what happened. Did a preview, then hit the Post Message button. Two posts popped up.

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