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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    14

    Here We Go Again

    Hello,

    Back again to present my juicy little query letter to the hungry masses, enjoy.

    Dear Agent,

    Nox, Goddess of the Night, bears a curse. She faces reincarnation in human form, for all eternity, until her essence is either destroyed or redeemed. Nox returns, reincarnated once more as Callign Night, a young woman newly enrolled in Ophiem High. With a crack-addicted, whore for a mother and no memory of her past lives she canít understand why so many people in this new town seem to think she is the key to their salvation. However, her very essence stirs a conflict that may bring about, not only her own destruction, but that of an entire race of beings as well.

    Callign is pissed when her seemingly erratic mother moves her from her hometown of Miami Florida to Ophiem Montana. She wants nothing to do with the town or its people.

    As she starts to become acquainted with a few of its locals, however, she is shocked when she discovers there is much that stays hidden from public eye. Three families have signed a shaky peace pact that puts a pause on a feud dating back to times before ancient Rome. A young male from each of these families has taken an interest in Callign. Two, Richard, a two-hundred year old vampire, and Ezekiel, a hot-tempered young werewolf, are to be her protectors from the third and his family.

    Baldric, a young hunter, sworn to help in the cause of ridding the world of vampires and werewolves, takes pause when he finds out about Callign and who she is supposed to be. Images and feelings plague him, as he cannot shake the thought that he was once her lover. He must battle his family, and his nature as a hunter, to discover what these feelings mean and the truth behind who they both are, before his family can fulfill their wishes of her destruction.

    A mix of Greek mythology and modern vampire lore, CHILDREN OF NOX is a young adult novel complete at 60,000 words. It is my first novel. I thank you for your time and consideration.


    I'm thinking of removing the descriptions about Richard and Ezekiel, but they are important enough to at least mention.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    461

    Re: Here We Go Again

    Some quick thoughts before I return to grading papers about Flannery O'Connor...My comments are in caps for emphasis. I'm not shouting at you. This is a very rough pass, btw.

    Dear Agent,

    THIS SEEMS LIKE A WEAK HOOK. SEE IF YOU CAN COMBINE THE FIRST FEW SENTENCES TO GIVE US A BETTER SENSE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE CURSE. FOR EXAMPLE: WHEN NOX, GODDESS OF THE NIGHT, IS REINCARNATED AS THE TEENAGE DAUGHTER, OF A CRACK-ADDICTED WHORE, SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE PEOPLE OF OPHIEM MONTANA SEEM TO THINK SHE IS THE KEY TO THEIR SALVATION. ALL SHE KNOWS IS THAT [FILL IN THE BLANK]. HOWEVER, IF SHE CANNOT REDEEM HERSELF THIS TIME, SHE FACES [FILL IN THE BLANK AND UP THE STAKES]. IF SHE FAILS, SHE WILL DESTROY THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE. Nox, Goddess of the Night, bears a curse. She faces reincarnation in human form, NO COMMA for all eternity, until her essence is either destroyed or redeemed. Nox returns, reincarnated once more as Callign Night, a young woman newly enrolled in Ophiem High. With a crack-addicted, NO COMMA whore for a mother and no memory of her past lives she canít understand why so many people in this new town seem to think she is the key to their salvation. However, her very essence stirs a conflict that may bring about, NO COMMA not only her own destruction, NO COMMA but that of an entire race of beings as well.

    WHY THE SUDDEN CHANGE OF VOICE HERE? THERE IS A PUSH FOR "VOICE" IN THE YA QUERY, BUT THAT VOICE MUST BE CONSISTENT. YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH IS RATHER FORMAL. WHEN YOU USE THE WORD "PISSED," YOU CHANGE THE TONE. STICK WITH ONE OR THE OTHER THROUGHOUT THE QUERY. Callign is pissed when her seemingly erratic mother moves her from her hometown of Miami Florida to Ophiem Montana. She wants nothing to do with the town or its people.

    As she starts to become acquainted with a few of its locals, however, she is shocked when she discovers there is much that stays hidden from public eye. Three families have signed a shaky peace pact that puts a pause on a feud dating back to times before ancient Rome. A young male from each of these families has taken an interest in Callign. Two, TWO OF WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE NUMBER REFERS TO. ALSO, THIS SEEMS TO SHIFT THE POV FROM COX TO HER SUITORS. IS THIS COX'S STORY OR RICHARD'S AND EZEKIEL'S? MAKE SURE THE QUERY REPRESENTS THE POV OF YOUR MAIN CHARACTER. Richard, a two-hundred year old vampire, and Ezekiel, a hot-tempered young werewolf, are to be her protectors from the third THIRD WHAT? NOT CLEAR AND PROBABLY NOT NECESSARY. and his family.

    Baldric, a young hunter, sworn to help in the cause of ridding the world of vampires and werewolves, takes pause when he finds out about Callign and who she is supposed to be. Images and feelings plague him, as he cannot shake the thought that he was once her lover. He must battle his family, NO COMMA and his nature as a hunter, NO COMMA to discover what these feelings mean and THIS IS REALLY VAGUE. QUERIES ARE ABOUT SPECIFICS. the truth behind who they both are, before his family can fulfill their wishes of her destruction.

    A mix of Greek mythology and modern vampire lore, CHILDREN OF NOX is a young adult novel complete at 60,000 words. CUT THIS. YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL THEM IT IS YOUR FIRST NOVEL. It is my first novel. I thank you for your time and consideration.

    Note the places I've marked punctuation errors, particularly with commas. You seem to insert extraneous commas, something you should check in the ms. itself. Also, note the repetition of certain words:
    people
    reincarnation
    pause, take(s) pause
    family

    Finally, effective queries are about specifics: Character must find the sword or caste the changling spell to end the curse. Baldric falls in love or Baldric despises her race but loves her. A centuries-old feud over the magic stone. The story is in the details.

    Hope that helps.


    Jeanne

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Australia - for now ;)
    Posts
    598

    Re: Here We Go Again

    Here's what I got from the QL.
    (i) if Nox is the Goddess of the Night, when she is in human form and without any memory of who she is, what 'being' is now protecting/stalking/guarding the night?

    (ii) I wouldn't use the word 'pissed' in your QL. Even if this is the language your MC is using, try to find a better way of explaining her mood/motivation.

    (iii)
    'takes pause when he finds out about Callign and who she is supposed to be'
    and then:
    you go on to tell (in the same paragraph) that he needs to find out about their past together. If he knows who she is/was then wouldn't he know what happened/happens to them? I'm not saying there isn't a story here but I find this confusing.

    (iv) 60,000-word count seems a bit low, could be wrong but I would think you'd need to 'meat this up' a bit.

    Writing the final draft of a fantasy novel based on mythology myself; It cannot have been easy to create a clear picture of both worlds and develop characters/scenes in 60K. As I say, maybe meat it out a bit?

    JMHO - feel free to ignore -still learnnig myself.
    if the wine is sour Ė throw it out

    SatyricalRaven

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    227

    Re: Here We Go Again

    'Nox, Goddess of the Night, bears a curse. She faces reincarnation in human form, for all eternity, until her essence is either destroyed or redeemed...' This is the line you hope will hook your dream agent? I stopped there.

    DK

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