Query comments please

[L K]

Query thoughts



Dear Ms. _____:


Do you have children; other loved ones? Are they safe—right now?

Alex and Ev Stuart, along with their best friend Florencio Catalan, can all answer no to the latter, for someone close to each of them has disappeared. Now, their own lives and those of countless others are at stake because the three have uncovered clues to a macabre secret that lies within and beneath the town of Santa Cruz, California. Only hours are left for them to complete their quest.

A decades’ old curse, cast by a beautiful Mexican medicine woman, hovers over the vast Cahill Ranch. Townspeople believe the ranch is haunted by thousands of tormented spirits, their flesh cruelly sacrificed in a greedy bid for world power by a brilliant, insane doctor and his army of minions.

We live in a jaded world surrounded by an insatiable blood beast that rules the dark side of the human soul. Fed by its lust for cruelty, the flesh trade is alive and well. The billions-plus clandestine industry of Human Trafficking now runs neck and neck with drugs—for of itself, it is a drug—and the addiction shows no sign of slacking.

I worked for twenty years as a Registered Nurse. In California I taught clinical skills to Psychiatric Technicians at a state run hospital for the Developmentally Disabled. So horrified was I by the place, it became an integral part of Cahill Ranch.

My manuscript—approximately 94,000words—is available upon request. Satan’s Keep is my first novel.

I do look forward to hearing from you.

Jane Doe

[Joe Zeff]

Most agents consider opening a query with a question to be bad, and in your case, I see no reason to disagree with them. The paragraph starting, "We live in a jaded world..." adds nothing and should be cut. I'm not sure if the time you spent working at Hotel California (Yes, I know where that was.) is relevant. If not, out it goes. Last, you don't need to say either that your word count is approximate (that's assumed) or that it's your first novel.

[Mark Phillips]

Others may disagree, but personally, I don't really like queries that begin with questions. I think your query would work better if you started like this:

Florencio Catalan and Alex and Ev Stuart are bound in a way they never could have imagined. Someone close to each of them has disappeared.

Probably not the best opening ever written, but try to work something like that in. I think it reads better than the questioning opening.

Overall, I did like the query and the idea. Good luck to you.

Mark

[John Hawkwood]

LK,

I agree with the above posters' opinions, especially about the opening. Here are my comments on the first few paragraphs in caps...


Do you have children; other loved ones? Are they safe—right now?

THIS READS LIKE A RANSOM NOTE OR A THREAT. LOSE IT.

Alex and Ev Stuart, along with their best friend Florencio Catalan, can all answer no to the latter, for someone close to each of them has disappeared. THIS IS A FAIRLY GOOD HOOK SENTENCE BUT OF COURSE IT WILL NEED TO BE MODIFIED ONCE YOU LOSE THE INTRODUCTORY QUESTIONS Now, their own lives and those of countless others are at stake because the three have uncovered clues to a macabre secret that lies within and beneath GO WITH EITHER WITHIN OR BENEATH - IT MAY NOT BE PRECISELY ACCURATE IN THE CONTEXT OF YOUR BOOK, BUT BETTER TO BE FORCEFUL AND EFFICIENT IN YOUR QUERY THAN TO REFLECT EVERY PRECISE DETAIL OF THE BOOK the town of Santa Cruz, California. IS IT A HELLMOUTH? SORRY, MY FIRST THOUGHT Only hours are left for them to complete their quest. WHAT QUEST? I DON'T SEE ANY QUEST HERE. AND WHY IS THERE A TIME LIMIT? HERE IS WHERE YOUR QUERY SHOULD CONVEY THE URGENCY OF THEIR SITUATION BUT YOU'VE INSTEAD LEFT THE READER WITH AN UNEXPLAINED REFERENCE

A decades’ old DECADES-OLD...WHICH ISN'T REALLY THAT OLD OR THAT IMPRESSIVE curse, cast by a beautiful Mexican medicine woman WHY DO WE CARE THAT SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL? IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO KNOW WHO CAST IT FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE QUERY LETTER?, hovers NOT SURE ABOUT CURSES HOVERING over the vast Cahill Ranch. Townspeople believe the ranch is haunted by thousands of tormented spirits, their flesh cruelly sacrificed in a greedy bid for world power DON'T NEED "GREEDY" SINCE FEW BIDS FOR WORLD POWER ARE ALTRUISTIC by a brilliant, insane doctor I STOPPED AT "BRILLIANT, INSANE DOCTOR" BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF A CLICHE, BUT MAYBE IT'S OKAY and his army of minions DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO MENTION THE MINIONS. THIS IS KIND OF A CLUTTER OF CONCEPTS TOO CLOSE TOGETHER FOR SMOOTH READING. ALSO, I THOUGHT THE BEAUTIFUL MEXICAN MEDICINE WOMAN CURSED THE RANCH? NOW IT'S THE BRILLIANT INSANE DOCTOR'S FAULT?


Some of these points are a little picky but I think it's helpful to see where the melodrama threatens to overwhelm the query letter and distract from its point - to attract the agent's interest in the book rather than try to milk four-color concepts for their supposed intrinsic interest level. Remember, agents hear about insane world-beaters and beautiful spiritual women all the time; it's how you have handled these commonly-encountered figures, in your own unique (I hope) style, that will attract an agent.

Good luck.

JH

[L K]

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I especially appreciated the one from Mark Phillips. I will consider them all and rewrite, rewrite, rewrite until I get a concise, clean submission. I can say without reservation, the entire book was easier than the query!

[D K]

Hi L K,

You've started your QL with on of the biggest no-no's to QL's, using a question. The agent will answer 'Yes' to your questions and chuck the QL in the bin.

[s]Do you have children; other loved ones? Are they safe—right now?[/s]

Alex and Ev Stuart, along with their best friend Florencio Catalan (So you have three protagonists? I hope not), can all answer no to the latter, for someone (to vague, is someone kidnapping little girls or little boys, twins?)close to each of them has disappeared. Now, their own lives and those of countless others are at stake because [s]the three[/s] they have uncovered clues to a macabre secret (to vague again. Is it zombies? Giant Rats? Rabid beavers?) that lies within and beneath the town of Santa Cruz, California. Only hours are left for them to complete their quest. (Why only hours. It's good that you have something at stake but 'only hours' is too vague. Will the town blow up?)

A decades[s]’[/s] old curse, [s]cast by a beautiful Mexican medicine woman,[/s] [s]hovers[/s] (find a different word, it give me an image of a fog floating over the ranch) over the vast Cahill Ranch. Townspeople believe the ranch is haunted by [s]thousands[/s] (seems like allot, why thousands?) [s]of tormented[/s] spirits, their flesh cruelly sacrificed (Again, too vague. What does this mean, were they skinned? If yes then say it?)in a [s]greedy[/s] bid for world power (going for world power by definition you could say is gready so you don't need to state it) by an [s]brilliant,[/s] insane doctor and his army of minions. (So how does skinning a bunch of people living in Santa Cruz equate to world power?)

[s]We live in a jaded world surrounded by an insatiable blood beast that rules the dark side of the human soul. Fed by its lust for cruelty, the flesh trade is alive and well. The billions-plus clandestine industry of Human Trafficking now runs neck and neck with drugs—for of itself, it is a drug—and the addiction shows no sign of slacking.[/s] (Get off your pedestal, the Agent doesn't want to hear you preach, they want to hear if you have a good story, this will kill any chance you have at representation)

[s]I worked for twenty years as a Registered Nurse. In California I taught clinical skills to Psychiatric Technicians at a state run hospital for the Developmentally Disabled. So horrified was I by the place, it became an integral part of Cahill Ranch.[/s] (You need to show qualifications that are relevant to what you've written. If it was about an RN saving technicians from mental damnation then keep it in. If it's about ghosts haunting a cursed town I don't think you being a nurse is a qualification)

My manuscript—[s]approximately[/s] 94,000words—is available upon request. Satan’s Keep is my first novel.

[s]I do look forward to hearing from you.[/s]

Hope this helps.

DK

[Kitty Foyle]

[s]Hey DK, this strikeout button is pretty nifty, isn't it![/s]

*_*

[D K]

It is nifty!

[leslee]

is available upon request. Satan’s Keep is my first novel.

Yeah, they know it's available. Out. And you don't tell them it's your first novel. Believe me, they already know.