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  1. #1
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    The Story Of Love

    Some excruciating noise eventually woke me and before I could realize it was my cell phone ringing it was too late. I didn’t bother checking who was on the other side. I grimaced and rolled on other side closing my eyes hoping I’d be able to sleep again but I noticed the calendar telling me it was 5th July today. My Birthday.

    “Oh!” I jumped out of the bed so fast I almost slipped.

    “You look the worst thing on this planet” I told myself looking at the mirror fitted on the huge white wall in front of me. I was a very ordinary girl and had nothing spectacular about me. I was 5’8 with dusky complexion. People told me my big blue eyes were the mirror to my heart but I never got that part. I was born to a bourgeois Muslim family and lived in a small colony of the big city Karachi. I lived in the city of dreams but never dreamt big. I was happy with whatever I had.

    “ You have to look great today.” I reminded myself. I went to the washroom to get ready and was standing in front of that very mirror again dressed in a blue cocktail gown that he had gifted to me on our first year anniversary. I looked at my old watch and it was 6:00 P.M. I had to meet him in an hour. I looked out the window and the weather was pleasant. I picked my bag lying on the bed and walked out of room and then out of the house through main exit.

    “Sam! You are here!” I said, and unexpectedly pushed myself into him and hugged him tight. I was surprised by my own actions. I couldn’t control seeing him standing right outside my building wearing a black suit. I didn’t expect him there.

    “Happy Birthday, Sara” He murmured. I looked up at him and smiled. He took my hand and walked me out to the road and we stood in front of a black corolla car. He opened the passenger door for me and gestured for me to get in. I got into the car as he took the driver seat. It was very comfortable inside. It was my first experience in such a luxury car. I was not used to this lifestyle.

    “What is this?” I questioned him. I knew he could not afford this car. Sam was my prince but he was not the kind we read in books. He did not own any multinational company. He was very average looking. He was 6 feet tall, dark black eyes with a lot of love in them. No matter what people say about him; He was my prince.

    “Am I dreaming?” I asked him surprised.

    “It’s going to be better than any dream you have ever seen.” He answered in a lovely voice starting the car and soon we were speeding on the road. There were few cars on the road and a row of coconut trees on the right side and some houses on the left. The scenery looked great.

    “Where are we going?” I questioned him. I was really curious.

    Suddenly the wind blew making my hairs cover my face and I felt his hand over my cheeks removing them from my face. My heart was beating faster than it should. I looked away, my emotions unrecognizable. My eyes caught my reflection in rear view mirror. My face was all red. I was blushing and hyperventilating. I tried to control my breath but my attempt wasn’t very successful. I looked down and suddenly things changed and I looked up and realized we were not in motion anymore.

    Before I could notice anything else he opened the door for me and stood there , waiting for me. He took my hand as I stepped out of car carefully – trying not to fall. My head was dizzy.

    “I Love You.” He said into my ear, taking me into his arms hugging.

    He rocked me for a while holding me there silently. He then let go of me and I took hold of the car and waited for my breathing to go normal.

    I looked up at him still looking at me with a lot of love in his eyes. I turned my face to the other side and finally realized where I was. We were at the lovers point on the beach. This is where they propose their girls.

    My heart skipped a beat as the thought crossed my mind.

    “Where are you lost?” he said, holding my hand I looked at him unable to utter a word.



  2. #2
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    I understand you people might not like the story. Hell, the story just does not move here.

    What I want you people to comment on how it is written .

    All comments appreciated.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    Anyone who points our your errors will be doing you a disservice, Altaf. Nearly every sentence is poorly constructed and the piece is riddled with mistakes. I'll give you an example.

    “Am I dreaming?” I asked him surprised.
    “Where are we going?” I questioned him. I was really curious.


    You never show something with dialogue, then tell the reader what you just showed him. You also have tag problems here as well, but the show/tell thing is a deal breaker among many others in this piece. My suggestion is to take writing classes at a local college or even online. Also search this forum for writing guides. Many good ones have been suggested. You need to fix the language problems before addressing the writing problems. Do the work. I honestly believe your shortcomings are too great to address with critiques. My opinion. Luck.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  4. #4
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    Altaf,

    Is English your first language? You have a lot of strange syntax and grammar errors that make me suspect English is not your native tongue. Alas, it is very, very difficult for non-native English speakers to write well in English. The language is a mine field of idioms, slang, irregular verbs, etc. Keith has given you some good advice. Take a few writing classes. It may seem like a step back, but you would probably benefit from taking an English comp course that forces you to understand the syntax.

    You should also immerse yourself in the literature. Read post-modern books written in English. Take notes on the use/structure of dialogue, common phrasing, syntax, etc.

    Good luck.

    Jeanne

  5. #5
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    Yet another opening with a guy waking up in bed. It's an epidemic!

  6. #6
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    @Leslee, I guess it's all right if it's a girl waking up.





    @JG and Keith

    I got it. I need to polish my skills badly.
    Any free website that can help me ?

    Thank You .

  7. #7
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    Doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl. It's one of the biggest cliches from beginning writers. It seems like a logical starting point, I know. We all wake up in the morning (until we don't). But it's been done to death. Come up with something fresher.

  8. #8
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    Altaf,

    I agree with Keith, there are major issues that need to be fixed before it can even begin to be critiqued.

    However, after reading both your excerpts I do believe that you have the raw skill to be a good writer.

    You should understand though, that you will have to work much harder than a native speaker would. Probably a few years of hard work to get the grammar down and then to begin developing your craft. If you are willing to put this amount of work into your writing I do believe that you could be successful.

    Mark

  9. #9
    Senior Member Keith .'s Avatar
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    What Mark said.
    ________________________________________________

    People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.
    - Bob Dylan

  10. #10
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    Re: The Story Of Love

    Leslie,

    Let's get him to write a proper sentence, with correct grammar and punctuation, before we worry about cliche's.

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