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  1. #1
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    Oct 2010
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    Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    I was walking in lawn full of lush green grass. The lawn was huge, grassy with beautiful mixture of flowers that introduced a unique mixture of fragrance in the air. I had a smile on my face and I could feel the dimple on my left cheek. It was sixty-nine degrees in Austin; the sky was a perfect blue with shades of clouds.

    I was walking anxiously waiting for a mail to arrive. I was expecting a letter from a modeling agency where I had left my portfolio. I was positive this time. I had failed screen test a dozen times but this time I was better than before. I knew I was the best and this was coming to me this time.

    ”Maria,” my mom said to me – entering the lawn- causing me to stop my march. “Take some rest. It won’t be arriving anytime soon.”

    My mom looks like me, an older version. We had same big, brown eyes and the perfectly angular nose. She looked like my mirror image with a little white in her hairs and some wrinkles on her face that she never tried hiding with make up. I got my dimple from my father who was a great man and, someone told me God need great men too that’s why he called my father to heavens.

    “It’s all right,” I said with a great joy in my voice. I could feel it myself and I guess mom could also feel it as she stopped staring at me and went back to the room. My lawn was beautiful. I loved it. I had planted all these plants with my own hands and now looking at this beautiful lawn gave me great pleasure.

    The bell rang and I hurried to the door and almost tripped over something on my way. I did not even stop to look at what it was. I reached the door and opened it with great excitement and a part of me died when I saw no one out there. “Idiots” I said to myself. I don’t like kids knocking on the door and then running away. I turned back and my eyes caught sight of a brown envelope lying in the mail box.

    I picked up the envelope and hurried inside and entered the living room . I looked at the room with great interest again. I had forgotten how beautiful it was. The huge room was full of antiques I had bought from different corners of the city. The white walls looked beautiful and the chocolate curtains and furniture complimented them really well. I took a seat on the sofa in the corner. This was my favorite place inside the house – I loved the lawn but I always considered it outside- I could sit on the sofa that was just beside the huge window that was always open. It allowed breeze to touch my face and blew my hairs.

    “Mom” I shouted and in few seconds mom was by my side. Before she could say anything I put my hands in front of her with the envelope in my hand. The expressions on her face changed –from surprise to excitement and then a huge smile-.

    “Open It.”, I said to mom. She took the envelope from me and I jumped from the sofa to stand by her side. The envelope had my life in it. I knew I was selected and this was the start of the life I always dreamt of. I waited for mom to open it and show me the contract to sign.



  2. #2
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    This is my second post here.

    My first> http://www.writers.net/forum/read.ph...488#msg-657488

    got some really poor reviews. I have tried to change my style a bit . I hope there is improvement.

    Opinions are welcome.

  3. #3
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    I wish we had an edit button here. I noticed some errors.
    I need to change 3rd last para. Duh !

    Anyway... ur hardly satisfied. Waiting for suggestions.

  4. #4
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    Altaf,

    I'm going to assume that English is not your first language. If that is the case you will really need to study English grammar in order to be successful as a writer. There are several structural problems with this:

    1. "I was walking in lawn full of lush green grass. The lawn was huge, grassy with beautiful mixture of flowers that introduced a unique mixture of fragrance in the air." It is impossible to walk "in" a lawn. You can walk on a lawn but in is not correct. You then go on to describe the lawn as grassy. A lawn is grass by definition so this is redundant. Then you say "with beautiful mixture" It should be "with a beautiful mixture". This same problem occurs throughout the entire piece. Introduce is the wrong word here. You could say released.

    As you can see, your first sentence is filled with problems that appear throughout the entire section. In order to write effectively you will need to get books on English grammar and study them until you are an expert. It is very difficult for non-native speakers to write proper English (hell, it's tough for a lot of native speakers) but this will need to be your first step if you are going to move forward as a writer.

    Mark

  5. #5
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    Thank You.
    Indeed, English isn't my native language. I shall work on grammar .

    I used the word grassy and introduced deliberately. I just wanted it to sound a little different.
    I guess it just didn't work that way .

    Shall work on it and come back with something better(hopefully).

  6. #6
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    "I was walking in lawn full of lush green grass. The lawn was huge, grassy . . ."

    It was grass and it was grassy. This initial repetition doesn't make the reader want to continue reading.

  7. #7
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    lush
    huge
    beautiful

    These are empty words a writer uses to tell what the scene is rather than show it.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Lea Zalas's Avatar
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    Your original phrasing is in italics, my revisions are in blue. These are just my suggestions, so take them as such:

    I was walking in lawn full of lush green grass. The lawn was huge, grassy with beautiful mixture of flowers that introduced a unique mixture of fragrance in the air. I had a smile on my face and I could feel the dimple on my left cheek. (I have a dimple and I have never felt it.) It was sixty-nine degrees in Austin; the sky was a perfect blue with shades of clouds.

    Strolling through the lush green grass, the air was perfumed by the profusion of flowers growing everywhere. It was sixty-nine degrees in Austin and the sky was a perfect blue with puffy clouds. But this wasn't what had me smiling.


    I was walking anxiously waiting for a mail to arrive. I was expecting a letter from a modeling agency where I had left my portfolio. I was positive this time. I had failed screen test a dozen times but this time I was better than before. I knew I was the best and this was coming to me this time.

    (First off, most people don't smile when they're anxious.) I had failed the screen test at least a dozen times, but I knew my last one had been a winner. Somehow I just knew that this time, I would get the contract.

    ”Maria,” my mom said to me – entering the lawn- causing me to stop my march. “Take some rest. It won’t be arriving anytime soon.”

    My mom looks like me, an older version. We had same big, brown eyes and the perfectly angular nose. She looked like my mirror image with a little white in her hairs and some wrinkles on her face that she never tried hiding with make up. I got my dimple from my father who was a great man and, someone told me God need great men too that’s why he called my father to heavens.


    "Maria," my mom called out to me, "stop pacing so much. It won't get here any quicker." She was my mirror image, except for my dimple, which I got from my dad. Looking closer, I noticed a little more white in her hair and a few wrinkles making their appearance. But she was still beautiful, still no need for make-up.

    Again, these are just suggestions. Try not to be so flowery with your words. Since English isn't your first language, try at first just to write down the bare bones of each paragraph. Then, add description to make the scene and the people interesting. But don't weigh your story down with poetic, but unnecessary, words. It bogs the whole thing down, and can actually make it boring when used improperly.

    Lea

  9. #9
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    I think your story title needs reviewing. To be quite honest I can't imagine what you are trying to say there. A number of possibilities suggest themselves but they all make me cringe.

  10. #10
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    Re: Part 1 of "Luck By Chance" - Please Comment!

    @Lea...
    That really helped. I am a fan !
    Thanks.




    @Denis Bonner

    The title?
    Well , I personally think it does suit it.

    The story is basically about this girl who wants to be an actor. She gets a role and then start shooting but then the production house realizes she is the not the girl they wanted for the project and they picked up the wrong girl.
    She gets fired and is heart broken when by luck she gets a chance to do a small role(the role she earlier denied because she got the main lead) and there she steals the lime light and by chance her luck shines and she becomes a huge rage.

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