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  1. #51
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    Re: First Query Attempt..

    Mark and Lea,

    Thanks for your continued support. I'll wait and see if I get a few more opinions on it before re-working it again.

    I would agree that it's getting there, but not quite done yet. The ending is the only part I don't especially like.



  2. #52
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    Re: First Query Attempt..

    "Most high schoolers stew about homework and the opposite sex, while salivating at the prospect of being off to college"

    They stew and salivate. I can't imagine any agent reading past this.

    Were you ever a high school student? They salivate over the opposite sex, if they salivate over anything!

  3. #53
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    Re: First Query Attempt..

    Not necessarily the opposite sex, just sex!

  4. #54
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    Re: First Query Attempt..

    Josh,

    I think I suggested stew and salivate a while back. Leslee responded then that she thought those were not words young people use.

    While I like the words, I think she may be right.

    One of the good things about this board is that most of us are willing to change our mind when someone has a differing opinion that makes sense.

    I didn't take time to read the whole thread again to refresh my memory, so this may be redundant. Give some thought to throwing out what you currently have and start over. Try to find a new way to describe your tale.

    Hang in there.

    Cur

  5. #55
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    Re: First Query Attempt..

    "Stew" and "salivate" are going to get your Q letter tossed in the trash. They simply don't work. It looks like you're trying too hard to come up with odd choices, and you've picked the wrong ones.

  6. #56
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    68

    Re: First Query Attempt..

    Mark Phillips Wrote:
    -------------------------------------------------------
    > I have to agree with both Leslee and Lea. You
    > took another shot, so I will too. I'm going to
    > take a cue from Cur and put my comments in all
    > caps for an easier read.
    >
    >
    >
    > Most teens think school work, fitting in, being
    > "cool", and college are life's main goals. I DON'T
    > KNOW A TON OF KIDS THAT THINK OF SCHOOL WORK AS A
    > GOAL. ALSO, FITTING IN AND BEING COOL ARE
    > DIFFERENT, BUT RELATED CONCEPTS. THIS MIGHT WORK
    > BETTER IF YOU CONSIDERED USING ONLY TWO THINGS.
    > MAYBE FITTING IN AND COLLEGE. Brett Ruvell has
    > only one- survival.
    >
    > After special training, YOU DO NOT NEED THE
    > TRAINING BIT. TELLING US HE DISCOVERED IT LET'S
    > US KNOW HE DIDN'T ALWAYS POSSESS THESE POWERS.
    > Brett discovers he has the power to manipulate
    > electricity, which fuels fantasies of fame and
    > superhero stardom. I DO LIKE THIS PHRASE A LOT
    > The only problem is his hometown is under attack
    > from beings, hailing from a different world, who
    > want one of two things: his power or his death.
    > TRY DEMISE INSTEAD OF DEATH. I THINK IT READS
    > BETTER
    >
    > In an isolated, close-knit town Brett must fend
    > off his attackers while concealing his identity
    > and predicament from everyone he knows and loves;
    > I THINK MAKING THIS A NEW SENTENCE WORKS BETTER
    > everyone, until his four closest friends discover
    > unique abilities of their own and unite with him.
    > While secretly foiling evil plots is full of
    > apprehension, exhilaration, and fulfillment, the
    > five friends must have confidence, trust, and
    > faith in each other to see the golden light of a
    > new dawn. TOO THREE SERIES LISTS THIS CLOSE
    > DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. I'M ALSO NOT IN LOVE WITH
    > THE FINAL WORDS. TRY REWORKING THE PART ABOUT THE
    > FRIENDS AND TELL US WHAT THE FRIENDS HOPE TO
    > ACCOMPLISH, DESTROYING THE OTHER BEINGS, BEING
    > NORMAL AGAIN, WHATEVER IT IS.
    >
    > ELEMENTALS: NEW BEGINNINGS is an 85,000 word
    > middle grade fantasy.
    >
    > Thank you for your time and consideration.
    >
    > Overall you made it better on your second pass. I
    > think that if you work on it just a little more
    > you could have something that an agent could
    > respond to.


    Mark, I have a question about your critique. It reads "In an isolated, close-knit town Brett must fend off his attackers while concealing his identity and predicament from everyone he knows and loves; I THINK MAKING THIS A NEW SENTENCE WORKS BETTER". Did you mean that you liked the newer sentence, or would change it again?

    Thanks. Josh

  7. #57
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    Re: First Query Attempt..

    Quote Originally Posted by Mark
    Yours:
    After receiving special training, Brett discovers that he has the power to control and manipulate electricity. This revelation leads to thoughts of superhero stardom and fantasies of fame. The only problem is his hometown is under attack from creatures, hailing from a different world, who want one of two things: his power, or him dead.
    Mine:
    Brett discovers he has the power to control electricity and begins to fantasize about superhero stardom. When his hometown is attacked by aliens it is clear that they want to steal his power or destroy him.
    For some strange reason, I actually like the wording of the original post. It could actually be written as:

    Brett discovers he has the power to manipulate electricity. This revelation leads to thoughts of fame and delusions of grandeur. When an alien attack threatens his hometown it's clear the invaders want only one of two things: his power, or his dead body.

    @keith,

    It probably will be 65k after editing.

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