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  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    83

    Help with first line of QL

    OK, I need help.

    I like the way this sounds but I use 'mortal' too often and cannot think of how to replace the 'mortal' word without loosing the feel. Please note fellow writers, replacing human with mortal doesn't work when reading the rest of the QL. HELP!!!!

    I have the QL just about there. The MS is also, final re-write now with family & friends looking for spelling/grammar errors -I'm 98% done and the QL is about 85% done but the first line; well I like it but I dislike 'mortal' repeating.

    'Old soothsayer CECILIA makes the ultimate sacrifice, immortality. Many mortals dream of immortality, but not Cecilia, she is all too aware of the real cost…..'


    As usual all comments appreciated.

    Raven.

    P.S. Love the editing option!



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    142

    Re: Help with first line of QL

    I'll give it a shot, you tell me what you think:

    'Old soothsayer CECILIA makes the ultimate sacrifice, immortality. Many dream of every-lasting life, but not Cecilia, she is all too aware of the real cost…..'

    I don't know if that gets the fell across or not, since I don't know exactly what your book is about, but I know you don't need mortals in the second line. Who else would dream of immortality? Not gods, not immortals (they already have it) so it's self-explanatory.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    142

    Re: Help with first line of QL

    By the way, I think it works better if you put a period after Cecilia and start a new sentence with she.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    582

    Re: Help with first line of QL

    Either a period or, if you don't want to start a new sentence, a semicolon.

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    920

    Re: Help with first line of QL

    'Old soothsayer CECILIA makes the ultimate sacrifice, immortality.'

    To me, the sentence is ambiguous. Does this mean Cecilia is already immortal and relinquishes it? Or is she offered immortality and turns away?

    (Also, capitalizing a character's name is a screenplay thing.)

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