Re: Opening Paragraph
I think this query has some problems, including grammatical mistakes that will loom large to an agent...
Jack Hibbard has never ridden on a horse that can gallop on water. He has not soared in the sky with a man who can fly, travelED in an underground city using glowing rocks to find his way, and doesn’t know THIS DOES NOT MATCH THE OPENING CLAUSE, WHICH IS "HE HAS" - YOU COULD TURN THIS INTO "OR LEARNED" how to open portals to other worlds.
All Jack has ever knows KNOWN is a life of poverty in a small catholic CATHOLIC SHOULD BE CAPITALIZED, OTHERWISE YOU'RE NOT REFERRING TO THE RELIGION, ONLY THE WORD MEANING "UNIVERSAL" community in the South Pacific. One day, ONE DAY IS SUPERFLUOUS - HOW MANY TENTH BIRTHDAYS CAN HE HAVE, AFTER ALL? he spends his lonely NOT SURE ABOUT "LONELY" SINCE IT SEEMS TO DIRECTLY MODIFY "TENTH BIRTHDAY," SUGGESTING THAT IT'S AN INHERENT CHARACTERISTIC OF A TENTH BIRTHDAY RATHER THAN JUST A PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCE THAT HAPPENS TO ATTEND HIS TENTH BIRTHDAY tenth birthday playing around a mysterious ruin in the jungle and stumbles upon a passage to another world. I'D RETHINK THIS SENTENCE AS IT SUGGESTS HE SPENDS HIS ENTIRE TENTH BIRTHDAY STUMBLING ON A PASSAGE TO ANOTHER WORLD, WHEN REALLY THAT'S SOMETHING THAT JUST HAPPENS AT THAT MOMENT - MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE "ON HIS TENTH BIRTHDAY, HE EXPLORES A MYSTERIOUS RUIN IN THE JUNGLE AND STUMBLES UPON A PASSAGE TO ANOTHER WORLD."
Stuck in a place called Zajitar, Jack is awestruck at first by its ocean in the sky and a giant moon hovering dozens of feet DOZENS OF FEET FEELS LIKE IT'S EMPHASIZING A GREAT DISTANCE, WHEN WHAT YOU WANT TO CONVEY IS THAT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLY CLOSE FOR A MOON off the ground. THIS SENTENCE MAKES YOUR PROTAGONIST SEEM, HOWEVER BRIEFLY, TO BE PRETTY PASSIVE - MAYBE SHIFT THE FOCUS TO THE PLACE BY SAYING "JACK FINDS HIMSELF STUCK IN A PLACE CALLED ZAJITAR, WHERE THERE IS AN OCEAN IN THE SKY AND A GIANT MOON HOVERING ONLY A DOZEN YARDS FROM THE GROUND" However, this surreal beauty is only a deception: Zajitar is gripped by a violent war. HOW DOES THAT MAKE THE BEAUTY OF THE PLACE A DECEPTION? IT'S STILL BEAUTIFUL, IT JUST HAS ANOTHER SIDE TO IT.
Desperate to find a way home, Jack befriends a lovelorn shape-shifter and her prophetess sister. PROPHETESS MAKES ME BLINK, MIGHT WANT TO RETHINK THAT WORD But when the rival leaders of Zajitar discover that he is from the ‘mythical’ world of Earth, the war suddenly becomes all about him. THAT SHOULD BE THE SOURCE OF YOUR TENSION, BUT NOTHING COMES OF IT IN THE QUERY - SO THE WAR IS ALL ABOUT HIM, HOW DOES THAT AFFECT HIM? Now he’s in a race against time as the only person that knows how to return him home is a warrior slowly turning to stone. THIS SEEMS ENTIRELY DISJOINTED FROM THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE AND COMES OUT OF NOWHERE
THE BOY FROM EARTH is a middle-grade fantasy of approximately 60,000 words I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MG - IS 60,000 WORDS MARKETABLE IN THAT GENRE? and part one in a series of four volumes. I'VE HEARD IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO INTRODUCE YOUR WORK AS THE FIRST PART OF A SERIES The fantasy/adventure theme is akin to the PERCY JACKSON series, with darker elements of alienation and dystopia that may appeal to readers of INCARCERON by Catherine Fisher.
Hope that helps. Good luck.