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  1. #1
    Book Werm
    Guest

    big thought, small paragraph


    This is an early impression the heroine has of a man she later marries and, finally, divorces.

    Qualities she notices early are confidence, a nurturing nature, and an intensity to everything he does.

    I like image of a delicate baby setting off his masculine strength. I don't like the way I've worded this and can't think of a less awkward way of phrasing.

    He had the self-confident appeal of a man who, like Superman, casually rescued people from burning buildings in the course of his normal day. The intensity about him however, suggested that, if on the other hand it was a fragile infant he had rescued, he would have held the baby so tightly it would be crushed to death.



  2. #2
    Sam Fletcher
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    He seemed almost like a superman rescuing others out of crises as a natural, routine part of his day. But his intensity had a dangerous side for the strength that could rescue one would cripple another. He was all strength and no gentle, all determination and no compassion, all steel and no silk and the manhood that had attracted her at first now drove her away with its intensity.

  3. #3
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph


    Collectively, he was everything I wanted. His core strength was phenomenal. He was an intense man who lacked gentleness.

  4. #4
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    Qualities she notices early are confidence, a nurturing nature, and an intensity to everything he does.

    It is often the case that qualities that most attract us often breed contempt with familiarity, and that contempt transforms positive qualities into negative ones. I think it more common for a wife to "discover" that what she at first viewed as confidence was really arrogance, and that nurturing nature was really a stifling nature in disguise, and that intensity belied a need to control.

    I think you would do well write from that standpoint. The woman is weak and indecisive; she found a strong, decisive man attractive. However, his strength points up her weakness, and the contempt she holds for her own inadequacies mitigates any contempt she might express for him. I think that's how you should approach this. She wants to blame him, but knows deep down she can't. It's not what he does that offends her, but her perception of what he does.

    For example, he orders for both of them at dinner. It is a small decision, but she feels relieved not to have to make it. Yet at the same time, it gauls her that she feels inadequate to decide something so inconsequential. Rather than examine herself, and why she feels inadequate, it's much easier to point to her husband and say, "He's controlling." But deep down, she knows that's not true, and that if she really wanted to decide some things, he would not object. No, she KNOWS deep down that she's the one who willingly relinquishes control, but she doesn't want to admit it. So instead, she sort of backhandedly blames him, saying something like, "Oh, he's such a caring man! His care marks virtually every aspect of my life. I'm a lucky woman.", but with a tone and inflection that clearly indicate she doesn't feel lucky at all, but decidedly UNlucky. She compliments him with an undercurrent of contempt and dissatisfaction.

    That's how I would approach it, unless that is not the kind of woman she is.

  5. #5
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    I didn't read your question carefully enough, lol. What I said, goes for later in the relationship, not a first impression.

    For a first impression, if she finds him attractive, I would have her notice almost zero negative qualities. Any lack of gentleness she would view as strength and confidence and decisiveness, which she lacks, but desires. He always knows "just the right thing to do", whereas she rarely knows. She wants structure and firm direction, but hates that she cannot provide it herself. It is only after some time that contempt for the one who CAN provide it creeps in.

  6. #6
    Ellie G
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    It's just my opinion, but the image of a baby being crushed to death really puts me off.

    I see the appeal of the contrast of nurturing/intensity, but I wonder if you need to actually spell it out, rather than just showing it through the course of the book. (There may well be a good reason, I don't know; just commenting.)

  7. #7
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    I dunno 'bout you guys, but my first impressions are strictly confined to physical attributes. What I find attractive about people is their empathy towards others. Obviously, it also helps if there is some common ground. In other words, was he humorous? Was he a fun person to be with? Were you attracted to him because he was your total opposite? For example, a shy person might be attracted to a gregarious persona.

    Just my thoughts.

    Good luck and keep on writing. It'll all come full circle.

  8. #8
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

    ...my first impressions are NOT strictly confined to physical attributes.

  9. #9
    John Hawkwood
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    BW,

    I think where you're blocking is you keep pulling back to naming the qualities she sees, rather than letting the images you've picked communicate those qualities to the reader without explicitly naming them. Trust your images. Without all the quality-dropping, it reads like this:

    He reminded her of Superman, in a way, as if he would take rescuing people from burning buildings in stride, just part of his normal day. Yet she imagined him emerging from the flames with a fragile infant and holding it tightly, maybe too tightly.

    That's not perfect - maybe you do need to bring back in some direct reference to intensity, so the reader won't wonder if she thinks the guy is a sadist who would hurt babies - but you get the idea.

    By the way, drop the "casually" if you're going to keep Superman in the mix. Superman doesn't do anything casually. That's why he's Superman. He's the Big Blue Boy Scout. Anyway, casually and intensity don't compute together.

    Good luck.

    JH

  10. #10
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: big thought, small paragraph

    This is an early impression the heroine has of a man she later marries and, finally, divorces.

    Qualities she notices early are confidence, a nurturing nature, and an intensity to everything he does.

    I like image of a delicate baby setting off his masculine strength. I don't like the way I've worded this and can't think of a less awkward way of phrasing.

    He had the self-confident appeal of a man who, like Superman, casually rescued people from burning buildings in the course of his normal day. The intensity about him however, suggested that, if on the other hand it was a fragile infant he had rescued, he would have held the baby so tightly it would be crushed to death.


    He emitted a certain swagger. Though he possessed a Superman-like aura about him, his intense focus on everything he took part in suggested he was as likely to crush a victim he'd rescued as he was to place them safely out of harm.

    Not sure if this works, but I've been out of practice recently and wanted to use my brain for fun. So, there you go

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