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Thread: Opening hook?

  1. #21
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    You had problems earlier than that. The switch from "people" to "you" is jarring and stops a reader in his/her tracks. it would never survive an edit.



  2. #22
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    I think you’re being facetious. I hope you’re not serious. This is a repetition of words. Not an idea or message. Three “yous,” one message or thought.

  3. #23
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    You might be right; Gary, but I don’t think so. It’s more like a quick segue, nothing jarring there.

  4. #24
    Derek Wayne
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    People say that each day is a gift, but they don’t really mean it. Not until they realize that everybody in the world is about to die.

    I have no yous for you.

  5. #25
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    Replacing “you” with “they” doesn’t have the power of personalizing it.

  6. #26
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    “Each day is a gift. You say that. But you don’t really mean it. Not until you know you and everyone you love is about to die.”

    That is better than taking out “you.” But it gives you another repetition.

  7. #27
    Yuki
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    I heart Derek Wayne. **giggle**

  8. #28
    Derek Wayne
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    Maybe the whole story should be told in the 2nd person. That would be really personal. And I wasn't being facetious. I was being sarcastic.

  9. #29
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    Same thing.

  10. #30
    Derek Wayne
    Guest

    Re: Opening hook?

    Really? I guess I don't know these big words.

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