HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 1 2 3
Results 21 to 30 of 30
  1. #21
    Gregory Haley
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    I wouldn't call that a danger. I'd call it a gifted writer.



  2. #22
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    Don,

    All in all, it read very well. A good start and with polishing it will shine.

    Lea

  3. #23
    nancy drew
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    Don;

    The "brightly" repetition caught me too, which you seem on top of. I think you repeated "streamed" intentionally as well, but it also snagged me as a reader:

    Her hair streamed in the fast current of the springsí flow.

    She lowered herself and let her hair stream in the current again.


    Cheers

  4. #24
    Marianne Mihkelson
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    Don, I thought your retake of the first bit was better, except for one thing. The first couple of sentences are from Patrick's point of view as he marvels and tell her how beautiful she is. But the start of the last sentence where it says "being a blue eyed blonde" it's not clear at the begining if you're talking about Patrick or Sharon. I think you should reword that one to something like "'You're beautiful,' he said noticing how the sun brought out the delicate highlights of her blonde hair."

    Also if the bandage on his back is filled with pus then I find it hard to believe he wouldn't feel pain from the wound at all. Unless he does and is just trying to be nonchalant about it.

    Otherwise I liked it.

  5. #25
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.


    The word Blonde, as opposed to blond, refers to women, not men. I know the words are considered interchangeable now, but blonde is normally used to describe women. Anyway, I will look at that sentence.

    All through the story, the MC refuses to give pain the dignity of acknowledgment. Itís part of who he is. At the same time, he canít stand to see a scratch on her. He expects to die before her. He wants to die before her. The only way the enemy, the world, can really hurt him is by hurting her. He was afraid to let her under his skin at first because everyone he cared about has been killed, and he did not want to give the enemy that kind of leverage to use on him. Itís part of the theme.

    Maybe you didnít need to know all of that, but I thought I would explain.

    Thanks.

  6. #26
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.


    The word Blonde, as opposed to blond, refers to women, not men. I know the words are considered interchangeable now, but blonde is normally used to describe women. Anyway, I will look at that sentence.


    I used to do that too, but I looked it up and it's an old-fashioned rule that's really used anymore. Essentially I think you're just supposed to use "blond" these days.

  7. #27
    Josh Lemay
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    Blond itself can be mixed to mean a man, woman, or person of unspecified gender, but blonde is still preferred for women.

    Here's some links for reference:
    <http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000275.htm>
    <http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blonde>

    Interesting usage note on the dictionary.com one, too.

    The spelling blonde is still widely used for the noun that specifies a woman or girl with fair hair: The blonde with the baby in her arms is my anthropology professor. Some people object to this as an unnecessary distinction, preferring blond for all persons: My sister is thinking of becoming a blond for a while. As an adjective, the word is more usually spelled blond in reference to either sex (an energetic blond girl; two blond sons), although the form blonde is occasionally still used of a female: the blonde model and her escort. The spelling blond is almost always used for the adjective describing hair, complexion, etc.: His daughter has blond hair and hazel eyes.

  8. #28
    Don Daffron
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    All of that is what I thought. Iíve already transposed the sentences so the boy speaks first anyway. I should have written it that way in the first place.

  9. #29
    Patrick Edwards
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    A few folks early on already answered it, but in regards to contractions, I believe it's more a flow issue. I mean, step outside yourself sometimes when you're dialoguing with someone. You'll realize that, sometimes, you add the "is" after "it" when you're emphasizing matters; if a simple issue, "it's" is usually the way to go. So, definitely not an all-or-nothing issue (but I think you know/knew that), but a good question.

    BTW: I like your writing. I could use more flow to the passages, though: Less periods, more commas and other non-perioded connections.


  10. #30
    Henry Domke
    Guest

    Re: No delusions of grandeur, so critique please.

    The series, Terminator: the Sarah Conner Chronicles puts John in the 'seventeen going on thirty' phase too. While it is Sci-fi, and your story seems more modern fiction, watching the series might give you ideas on how to define your own hero a little more. Unfortunately, they canned it after only two seasons, but I suppose that would make it easier for you to find episodes that deal with the issues you're interrested in. 'shrug' Food for thought.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts