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  1. #21
    Chris Anderson
    Guest

    Re: For Your Consideration: Chapter 1 beginning

    I'll admit that I almost abandoned this thread, not as a whiner or sore loser, but for the exact reasons that Junel just posted. I didn't want to affect the raw story this early in this process.

    That said, I went back and re-read everything, as well as the last few posts, and I'm really feeling good about getting back to it. Thank you everyone for the advice, tough to hear or not. That doesn't bother me, it can only help me as an author.

    Thanks especially Bea, SC, and Junel. Those last three posts cleared things up and re-focused me. I may not post work for crit anytime soon. I'm going to lock myself up and write! We'll see what comes out and then decide how many adjectives can get axed



  2. #22
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: For Your Consideration: Chapter 1 beginning

    Chris,

    I understand you wanting to lock yourself away and write, and I absolutely encourage you to do that. Honestly, I wasn't put off by adjective use with you (which is usually the case here on this forum -- it's like I wish I had a macro to automate my objection to the overuse of adjectives sometimes). Of course -- you should streamline a little. We all can. Duh. We are dramatic and creative. Comes with the territory.

    Go back to the bed with those two lovers. By the way, I was totally in that bed with them and so you were definitely doing something right. Maybe the bed is not the place to reveal whatever is wrong with them. I don't know (cause damn it! you didn't tell me what the problem was with them). I think what you did at the beginning of that scene by bringing us into their bed and feeling what they have was powerful. Now move us onto something else. Either that, or you need to stop having this guy being a fag drama queen and someone needs to come out with what the problem is. She needs to shrug him away. He needs to say something -- ask her a question -- I don't know, because I don't know what the heck the problem is. But jar us away from what you drew us into. Get to it.

    Let's just SAY that this thing is written from real life experience. Let's say it drags on and on like this for REAL. Well, you can't do that to a reader. We're living in a fast-food society. People drive up to McDonalds and get a hamburger in under 2 minutes. We have a different market now. Draw us into the emotion and then deliver something to us to get us to the next level. We no longer live in a time where writing can be purple, artistic and drawn out. People today need concise. Effective.

    I have this feeling about you that you have a longer attention span than most and appreciate the art from a different time. We live in today. Different market. You have to adjust, bro~

    Anyway, the purpose of my post was to encourage you to post revisions here. Seriously -- there really is some great talent on these boards. Just swallow hard and do it. You will learn. I'm STILL learning! I will until the day I die.

    Bea~

  3. #23
    d d
    Guest

    Re: For Your Consideration: Chapter 1 beginning

    The writers on this board really do give great critiques, so use the input to improve your story.

    You don't have to change your story ( the passion, theme, plot, etc. ) just change the way it is told.

    I think you should rework the opening and then post it again, but that's just my opinion.

    My initial thoughts were that it should be about a paragraph shorter with a lot more focus and a bit less drama.

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