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  1. #11
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Where in Europe?



  2. #12
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    jayce-London.

    Rogue, yes in New York it was large with women working furiously, but not children, so I've invoked a somewhat correct image. In London, I don't know how large his factory was.

    John, the point in your first comment is well taken.

    All in all I now have enough suggestions and criticisms to see clearly what I didn't like about the two original sentences and can rewrite them to better convey what I mean. Clothing manufacturer sort of did it.

    Natan had been a clothing manufacturer in Europe for twenty years. In America he continued as a dressmaker and opened a factory on Manhattan's West Side in the emerging garment district.

  3. #13
    Carrie Parker
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Hi, I'm new here. I would reword the second sentence as follows:

    The growing garment district that was emerging on Manhattens' west side had been a perfect place for opening his dress factory.

    Hope it helps.

  4. #14
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Once in America he continued as a dressmaker and opened a factory in the garment district emerging on Manhattan’s west side.

    After moving to America he opened a clothing factory in Manhattan's west side garment district.

    Lea

  5. #15
    Robert Wilson
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    I feel its to wordy. Here's my version.

    Natan manufactured clothing in Europe for twenty years. In America, he established a dressmaking factory in Manhatten.

    RW

  6. #16
    Nolan Wilson
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Second sentence: Once in America(,)-you need this comma, as you have one in the first part of the story.
    Once in America, he continued as a dressmaker and opened a factory in the flourishing garment district that had begun to emerge on Manhattan's west side.
    Amazing what a well placed adjective can do... And you must stick to your tense, you say continued...therefore you need to have 'begun to emerge' or 'that was beginning to emerge'.
    TA DA!! you like?

  7. #17
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Yes, thank you.

    Something about the original as it was written fell flat. This does not and is more in keeping with the tone of the entire story. If you care to read it in workshop form, it is a Zoetrope Novella. REAL LIFE-Part I.

  8. #18
    Lum Arifi
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

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