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  1. #1
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Unhappy with two sentences

    I want to convey this much information. Something about the last part of the second sentence bothers me.


    For twenty years in Europe, Natan had been a clothing manufacturer. Once in America he continued as a dressmaker and opened a factory in the garment district emerging on Manhattan’s west side.



  2. #2
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Once in America he continued as a dressmaker and opened a factory on Manhattan's West Side in the emerging garment district.

    A little better, but no cigar.

  3. #3
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    For twenty years in Europe, Natan had been a clothing manufacturer.

    I know you didn't ask but I'd change the first sentence to:
    For twenty years, Natan had been an European clothing manufacturer.

    Once in America he continued as a dressmaker and opened a factory on Manhattan's West Side in the emerging garment district.

    For the first sentence, I'd go with:

    Once in America, he continued as a dressmaker, opening a factory in the garment district emerging on Manhattan's West Side.

  4. #4
    Janice W-D
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    For the first sentence, I'd go with:

    I meant for the second sentence ...

  5. #5
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Natan manufactured clothing in Europe for twenty years. Once in America, he opened a dressmaking factory in the emerging garment district on Manhattan’s west side.

  6. #6
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    By the way, you don't want to say "European clothing manufacturer" because that says more the kind of clothes he made, not his location when he made them.

  7. #7
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Or maybe not...is there such a thing as European clothing, Brazilian clothing, American clothing?

  8. #8
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    Once in America throws me. I know you don't mean: Once, in America, he... but I still stumble on it. I'd ditch the once, but that's me.

    Is it necessary to mention the emerging garment district? Is it enough to just say he opened a dressmaking factory on Manhattan's east side?

    Just a couple of thoughts I had...

    Bea~

  9. #9
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    When you say "clothing manufacturer" did he own a small shop or a large factory? When I think of "manufacturer" I think the latter and imagine all sorts of women and children working furiously at large machines in some grimy building.

  10. #10
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Unhappy with two sentences

    For twenty years, Natan had been a clothing manufacturer in Europe. In America, he opened a factory in Manhattan's garment district.

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