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  1. #1
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Too much info one sentence?

    I am writing a somewhat poignant story I remember from childhoood. My aunt and uncle came downstairs one morning and, instead of having started breakfast, their cook was in her room. She had just delivered a child alone. No one had even known she was pregnant.

    Further along I write this sentence.

    Just as nowadays, when a wife, especially a pregnant one, is missing or murdered, the usual suspect is her husband, in those days, when an unmarried, live-in domestic had a child--which wasn’t all that uncommon--any potent male in the house was assumed to be the father until otherwise was proven.

    I want to juxtaposition the times and include all those facts. Is leaving as is a definite no-no?



  2. #2
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    Yeah, that's at LEAST two sentences. Very cumbersome wording. Get rid of all those "to be" verbs and all that clutter. I don't really understand the comparison between murder and fatherhood...might want to re-think that.

  3. #3
    Robert Wilson
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    The sentence is to long.

    I guess this incident got your uncle in trouble.

    RW

  4. #4
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    It's definitely overkill.

    When a pregnant woman is found missing or murdered, the usual suspects are found within their family dynamics. Police refer to the usual suspects as persons of interest during the investigation process.

    Just my opinion. Feel free to ignore.

  5. #5
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    The original is a run-on sentence for starters. It's not grammatical. The first sentence ends after husband. As two sentences, then it reads fine to me. (I would end it "until proven otherwise" instead of your construction, though.)

  6. #6
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    So...this reads fine to you, Gary?

    Just as nowadays, when a wife, especially a pregnant one, is missing or murdered, the usual suspect is her husband. In those days, when an unmarried, live-in domestic had a child--which wasn’t all that uncommon--any potent male in the house was assumed to be the father until proven otherwise.

  7. #7
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    I'm not wild about "nowadays." Otherwise I wouldn't muck around with it as an editor. It's grammatically acceptable in publishing terms and is the way the writer wants to express it. The clauses could be smoothed out by a different writer who wanted to write differently--but many quite successful authors write this way.

    What, are you just lurking around and licking your wounds and looking for every opportunity to back bite and start a fight, John?

    Give it up, John. You are an "it's all about me" editor. That doesn't cut it in the world of book publishing.

  8. #8
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    Don't have any wounds that I know of, Gary...no, I was just curious as to how you made any sense out of those two sentences seeing that BW wants to compare the present to the past. Plus, you see no problems whatsoever with her "comparison" of murder to fatherhood and a husband with "any potent male in the house"? Because I see a truckload of problems with it.

    You're serious...just as long as a piece of writing meets CMS guidelines, it's okay?

  9. #9
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    The sentences are out of context, John. But the verbs may be off, yes.

    Don't however, pretend you aren't wounded and aren't looking for chances to back bite.

  10. #10
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: Too much info one sentence?

    If your target was the sentences and not me, John, you would simply have addressed your observations to the sentences. Who do you think you're fooling?

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