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Thread: Which sentence?

  1. #1
    junel ;-)
    Guest

    Which sentence?

    Some sentences:

    He split the blinds and peered outside.

    Or

    He split the blinds with a finger, and peered outside.

    Or

    He split a row of blinds and peered outside.

    Or

    He split a row of blinds with a finger, and peered outside.

    Some background:

    It is in the context of a tense and suspenseful scene.

    Some questions:

    Which works best?

    Is it necessary to mention he used a finger to split the blinds, as that would be assumed anyway?

    Is it necessary to mention he split one row of blinds, as thats a given anyway?

    Thanks in advance.



  2. #2
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    Perhaps: He peered out through a slit in the blinds.

    One can say, He changed the flat tire.

    OR. He stopped the car. He got out of the car. He opened the trunk. He removed the jack. He jacked up the car.

    When describing an action, imagine a flow chart. In programming, each element requires necessary instruction. In writing, it is the reverse

    The best writing conveys the most while actually describing the least.

  3. #3
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    How about: He peered through the blinds.

    Lea

  4. #4
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    I'm with Lea.

  5. #5
    Gary Kessler
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    Lea's suggestion is more idiomatic (for the American reader). The second example is off. No comma between an independent and dependent clause in a compound sentence. The "row of blinds" is awkward to the American ear, at least.

  6. #6
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    I think it's best to either go short and sweet like Lea suggested: He peered through the blinds.

    Or, give the reader a real feel: The metal blind bent with a soft clink under Joe's finger as he bent it eye-wide to peer into the street.

    You've got an in-between kind of thing here, which I'm thinking is what your gut is telling you. Go short or go long enough to bring us the feel of the act. It's the middle that's mushy.

  7. #7
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    "He split the blinds with a finger, and peered outside."

    Sounds naughty!

    *_*

  8. #8
    mar quesa
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?


    He split the blinds open and peered outside.

  9. #9
    Chuck Shaw
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    IMHO loose the word split-It implies separating by force something that is normally indivisible in a manner that damages the object (pause for breath).

    I'd go politically incorrect and use a dreaded adverb here. "He peered fearfully through the gap between the blinds."

    Or, since the only reason he would disturb the blinds would be to see out, you could just say "He spread the blinds apart, praying the tiny movement would not be visible from the street." and let the reader fill in the rest. Focus on the character's concerns as shown by his actions.

    As always this opinion, accompanied by coin of the realm, can be exchanged for a cup of coffee somewhere.

  10. #10
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Which sentence?

    "Re: Which sentence?

    Author: Kitty Foyle
    Date: 09-23-09 21:03

    "He split the blinds with a finger, and peered outside."

    Sounds naughty!"

    - - - - -

    Actually, it would sound naughtier if you had him peer inside. There's just something about that finger word.... splitting something, yet. :-)

    *_*

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