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Thread: Silence

  1. #31
    Conor Beaulieu
    Guest

    Re: Silence

    You have the knack of colorful, rich writing, but to me the entire thing lacks cohesion. The most important part of poetry is flow. Sorry, but your poem doesn't have it.

    I would recommend not trying to force so much on the reader, so many scenes. Pick a few that get the point across, and then polish them until each line flows off the tongue right onto the next. Other than in certain intentional circumstances, you should never jarr your reader when it comes to poetry.

    Thought I would contribute something, since it's mostly arguing in here.



  2. #32
    Conor Beaulieu
    Guest

    Re: Silence

    Oh, also. With poetry it helps a LOT to recite it aloud over, and over, and over, and over, and over, etc. Poetry is meant to be spoken, not read.

  3. #33
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Silence

    Jeff, here’s the message I think you try to convey: Usually, people direct their thoughts toward responsibilities and activities in which they participate, and they can mute these thoughts to relax in silence. However, the narrator finds his thoughts dominated by loud, hard colored, phantasmal characters and scenes, and doesn’t like it, though he’s accustomed himself to it. While he might miss the battles and personalities roiling in his thoughts, he’d gladly trade that small pain for a mind free from these unwanted intruders before senility sets in.

    If that’s the message, then okay…I got it. So what? The best poetry addresses transcendent or at least important issues, not triviality, unless it’s humorous, and I don’t think you’re aiming for funny. Good poetry also has a strong purpose guiding it. I don’t see much purpose behind this poem; why did you write it?

    As far as technical, you’ve got rhyme but zero rhythm. You’re comma-happy while banishing all other punctuation. Lots of vague grand sounding language that means little or nothing, except to you, I suppose.

    Sooo…find a strong message and purpose. That usually solves many problems in poetry.

  4. #34
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Silence

    As I've posted before, I'm uncool in the poetry department, so I like the kind with a beat that's pleasing to the ears. Probably 'cause I'm a music lover....been playing the piano since I was six.

    Conor said, ",,,and then polish them until each line flows off the tongue right onto the next."

    Ta-DA-ta-ta-DA-ta-ta-DA-ta-ta-DA. Some of your sentences DO have a nice rhythm, but many do not. For instance:

    "You know, I might miss those [b]that [b] I\'ve learned to endure" A beat too many, IMO. Maybe you could zap "that"?

    And this one is awkward, beat-wise: "The surroundings we trod [b] are void of color[b] and taste" --"are void of color" would need to be said very quickly to keep the flow going well.

    Cha-cha-cha "snaps fingers*

    *_*

  5. #35
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Silence

    Oops.

    *_*

  6. #36
    Robert Wilson
    Guest

    Re: Silence

    Ah, chastised once again by the forum czar (or would that be the czaress.

    RW

  7. #37
    Anthony Ravenscroft
    Guest

    Re: Silence

    Jeff D: it's good doggerel. Seriously! I enjoyed it, & I like writing this sort of thing myself, but it's sort of "primitive formalist" & would be tough to place. That driving aabb & the short lines don't leave much room for you to stretch out. It's less a poem than a drinking song.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that!

    If I was going to mess with it, I'd question the scan. For instance, on the grid you've made for it, the very first line has an awkward bounce:

    [i]Silence is gold<u>en</u>, to most others, it seems

    because you're cramming it into the rhythm

    YAH dit dit YAH dah dit DAH dah dit DAH (dah)

    so you have the "-en" & the "to" fighting for the same slot.

    Keep at it. I've lately been re-studying e.e. cummings (something I've not done in 30 years) & mixing it up with Ogden Nash, possibly the greatest poet to ever abuse formalist structure for both fun & profit. Read 'em both, & keep writing.

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