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  1. #11
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    As we collect the pieces of the murdered daughter, the family gathers the pieces of its shattered life.



  2. #12
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    While we retrieved the girl's body, her family pieced their lives back together.

  3. #13
    Beautiful Loser
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    I might use "remains" instead of "body" but that's a minor detail.

  4. #14
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    I understand what you're going for, but the repetition of "piece" does not make this interesting. It just seems that you lack vocabulary skills. I'm sure that isn't the case, so write something fresher.

  5. #15
    Chuck Shaw
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    JV
    Oddly enough, this hits me as perfect for something said by a non-native-Engish-speaking (German speaking possibly?) EMT type who is burned out on blood and guts to the point of being a borderline psychpath. The missing 's' on "piece" and the awkward construction scream 'foreigner' to me. The poor joke is just that little bit beyond the acceptable, ever for emergency crew humor. To me it says a lot about the speaker, but is that what it is supposed to say?

    Or am I reading too much into one line?

    CS

  6. #16
    Jaclyn Vesik
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    You're reading too much into the line, but man do I wish I could write that character and the story to go with him. If you can, you have my blessing to use the sentence, I won't be using it.

  7. #17
    Anthony Ravenscroft
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    It doesn't work, really... but I think it might be good to hold that sort of sensibility in mind as you write the story.

    My family's held the sexton (manager) position of the town cemetery for more than a century. I know many of the local morticians & statuary vendors by name. In other parts of my life, I know cops & soldiers who've done more than their share of dealing with gruesome death.

    Most of us have developed a sort of "gallows humor" way of expressing the fact that we've been surrounded by so much death. In his more philosophical moments, Dad said stuff like, "We don't take care of trees & grass & graves. We take care of families." Yet he'd also joke about going out to the mausoleum to "wake 'em up for a headcount."

    Your line strikes me as the sort of groaner that opens most Crime Scene Investigation episodes. Those often terrible puns (IMO) show the character trying to maintain some objective distance, because an emotionally involved investigator has often given up some of her/his skill.

    The speaker might say it to a co-worker to demonstrate this distance, or to a particularly pain-in-the-ass person to push them away. You'd want to use it, though, as a rare punctuation, unless you're telling the reader that the speaker is starting to fray, & may be in danger of being emotionally overwhelmed.

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