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  1. #1
    Jaclyn Vesik
    Guest

    Does this sound trite?

    Trite? Or contrived? It's a line from a first-person story about recovering a girl's body.

    "We will be picking up piece of their daughter as a family pieces back together their lives."



  2. #2
    Devin Stadeker
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    I wouldn't use it. If I tried to express the same sentiment using similar words it'd go something like...

    "We're picking up pieces of their daughter, they're picking up pieces of their lives."

    Now that I look at it, that doesn't sound much better so I guess I don't have much room to talk ;;

  3. #3
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    Jaclyn,

    There's a minor error in your sentence. Read it out loud and you'll quickly catch it.

    For this reader, the sentence comes across as flippant. I see what you're doing, and it's not bad. But I don't think it's a good idea to do it with this subject. If it was about something less devastating than a family grieving a dead daughter, it might work.

    Hope this helps.

    Feel free to ignore.

    Cur

    Cur

  4. #4
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    Jaclyn,

    I don't like the sentence, it's word play and that doesn't work unless it's tongue-in-cheek or humorous. Has she been chopped up? But if you want to use it the correct grammar would be:

    "We will be picking up the pieces of the girl's body as her family pieces their lives back together." No family can ever put themselves back together if something like this happens.

    Lea

  5. #5
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    Should be - as her family tries to put their life back together.

    That doesn't sound right either. It just doesn't work for me. Sorry.

    Lea

  6. #6
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    If anyone wonders why I signed twice, it's 'cuz I'm identical twins. Both with the same name.

    FWIW, I think Devin's cut comes closer to working. But I still wouldn't use that, either. The subject matter doesn't lend itself to clever word plays.

    Cur

  7. #7
    Jaclyn Vesik
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    My problems with it were both technical (thanks for the alternatives) and the feeling of it.

    It's a short piece which I'm just getting into it and where it's going, the line is flippant. Sometimes I doubt my word play like that but then people tell me it works. Here it doesn't.

  8. #8
    Jaclyn Vesik
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    My problems with it were both technical (thanks for the alternatives) and the feeling of it.

    It's a short piece which I'm just getting into it and where it's going, the line is flippant. Sometimes I doubt my word play like that but then people tell me it works. Here it doesn't.

  9. #9
    Josh Lemay
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    I really like the line if it's in one of those detective mystery noir style stories where the main character is a gumshoe trying to solve their latest crime.

    For anything else, it might work, but it depends on the context of the story. If the story isn't very humorous or dry witted to begin with, the line is a little jarring.

  10. #10
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Does this sound trite?

    We will be picking up pieces of the daughter; unfortunately, we can't pick up the pieces of this family's life.

    We will pick up pieces of the daughter, but now nobody can pick up the pieces of this family.

    Yuck. The will verb is bugging me.

    "We spent the day picking up pieces of the daughter. The family? Don't think anyone can pick up those pieces."

    I dunno. An idea that might give you something to work with...

    Bea~

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