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Thread: A little stuck

  1. #1
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    A little stuck

    Hey everyone,

    I recently started writing the first chapter of a novel entitled, "the falcon." I think that it's coming along pretty well. I am trying to find a translation from the opening sentences to the main character, the problem is that I ended up with this sentence.

    The illumination of the lightning cast a pale glow over the rooftops and edges of the town buildings where Marshal Peters sat hunched over his desk like a bird observing a field waiting to pounce at the slightest sight of movement.


    Does it seem worded awkwardly? In the sentence, I am trying to say that Peters is in one of the buildings in the town, but as it's worded it seems like he is on the rooftops. What are some ways I could reword this sentence?



  2. #2
    Book Werm
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    The illumination of the lightning cast a pale glow over the rooftops and edges of the town buildings where Marshal Peters sat hunched over his desk like a bird observing a field waiting to pounce at the slightest sight of movement.

    Obvious way is:The illumination of the lightning cast a pale glow over the rooftops and edges of the town buildings. At 555 Main Street, Marshal Peters sat hunched over his desk like a bird observing a field, AND waiting to pounce at the slightest sight of movement.

    The AND is important because it is not the field that is waiting. The comma may or may not be necessary. The corrections you refer to are either a misplaced modifier or a dangling participle. Gary Kessler (I think it's him) has placed a link to explanations of this type of error.

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