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Thread: A little stuck

  1. #21
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    The storm brooded for almost an hour. The sky turned white and then black, black then white again. It was as though God was sending a message in Morse code. Shortly after the flashes came thunderous booms.

    Then:

    The illumination of the lightning cast a pale glow over the rooftops and edges of the town buildings where Marshal Peters sat hunched over his desk like a bird observing a field waiting to pounce at the slightest sight of movement.

    Here's just a suggestion. Tried to find another word to describe the storm with actually having to say "thunderstorm" or "booming" and yet still show how bad the weather was. How about:

    The storm had been howling for almost an hour. Marshal Peters sat hunched over his desk, staring out the window and watching as each lightning flash cast the shadows of the night into stark relief. Scanning the rooftops, he waited for any movement out of the norm.

    Lea



  2. #22
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Author,

    One more point. Since it's obvious he's inside and watching the rooftops from his window, do you really need to say he's in a building in town. That's a given. If he were outside, then you might want to state that he's watching the town's buildings. But even that sounds weird. JMO.

    Lea

  3. #23
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck


    Lea -- All suggestions are welcome. Thank you for your time. The only thing about howling shows action, and I wanted to build the suspense before that happened. The storm is probably going to show the struggle going on in the main character's mind. I just wanted to find a translation from the opening of the story to the main character. The thing I am noticing is that I should have probably written that differently. I hadn't meant he was watching the outside, but it's not a bad idea.

  4. #24
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    *The only thing about howling is that it shows action.

    Thanks everyone for your suggestions. It's interesting to see how people can read something differently then you expected.

  5. #25
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Didn't even see your post Conor, that's pretty good.

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