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Thread: A little stuck

  1. #1
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    A little stuck

    Hey everyone,

    I recently started writing the first chapter of a novel entitled, "the falcon." I think that it's coming along pretty well. I am trying to find a translation from the opening sentences to the main character, the problem is that I ended up with this sentence.

    The illumination of the lightning cast a pale glow over the rooftops and edges of the town buildings where Marshal Peters sat hunched over his desk like a bird observing a field waiting to pounce at the slightest sight of movement.


    Does it seem worded awkwardly? In the sentence, I am trying to say that Peters is in one of the buildings in the town, but as it's worded it seems like he is on the rooftops. What are some ways I could reword this sentence?



  2. #2
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Sorry about reposting this, I didn't know my browser posted the other two. Just answer the lastest thread.

  3. #3
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Woops I guess you can answer this one lol. Writers.net needs to fix that. I apologize.

  4. #4
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Well you've got to have the lightening illuminating where he is.

    Why "illumination of lightning?" Of course the illumination of anything is going to cast a glow. Why would Peters sit hunched over his desk? Why not just let him hunch? Why bird? Hawk, falcon, eagle.

    The lightening flashed, illuminating a tangled skylines of sloped roofs and leaning buildings. It flashed through skyward windows and into Marshal Peter's eyes. Hunched over his desk, he blinked and refocused his falcon eyes on the city below, vigilent, intent on the slightest movement.

  5. #5
    Finnley Wren
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    I am trying to say that Peters is in one of the buildings in the town

    I'd go with "Peters is in one of the buildings in the town."

    Conveys everything you want to say. Has a simple elegance to it.

    PS: You are thinking too much. Just write the story.

  6. #6
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Thanks Finny and Cindy,

    Cindy- Good job, I like your level of description, I have to start thinking more along those lines. Actually Peter is not a bird, he's a human. He's called a falcon, because that is a bird of prey, which is what peter does.

    Finney - I should have, lol, I just needed a transition from my opening sentences though.

  7. #7
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    I typed this before I read Cindy and Finnley's excellent suggestions. Nevertheless, I'll post it anyway, I started reading the threads from the top of the page and hadn't noticed the repeats.

    So you're "a little stuck" like those females who are "a little bit" pregnant? :-)

    Speaking as one who who is still in pain after a tooth extraction just a few hours ago, I'd suggest leaving off the "s" in rooftops, edges and buildings. Give him his very own building. Put a period after (hunched over his) desk. It doesn't sound to me like he's perched on top of the building. (However, I'm experiencing brain fog as we speak). Maybe you could say "the town building in which Marshal Peters sat hunched..."

    Then start another sentence about the bird observing, etc -- however you choose to do it. IMO, this should definitely two sentences.

    Where's the aspirin?

    *_*.

  8. #8
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Thanks kitty,

    My condolences concerning the dentist

  9. #9
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    Thanks, Author.

    Now I think I'll get the hell to bed. :-(

    *_*

  10. #10
    Author Pendragin
    Guest

    Re: A little stuck

    lol.

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