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  1. #21
    Devin Stadeker
    Guest

    Re: Testing the waters.

    That's the general consensus when I show it around. On one hand I'd like to learn the tricks of the trade when it comes to trimming out the fat to keep a piece moving, but on the other the genre I want to write is known for dredging stories down with fluff and filler. Established authors in this genre get away with murder, as far as that's concerned.



  2. #22
    Sam Fletcher
    Guest

    Re: Testing the waters.

    Devin,

    I'm also writing a fantasy novel and the thing I've noticed on this forum is that about 70% of all excerpts posted here are in the fantasy genre. That means there are a lot of people writing in this genre and you will have a lot of competition for a publishers attention. Therefore your manuscript needs to be more unique, better written, and more interesting than theirs.

    Could you give us some sense of the setting and characters involved. Fantasy typically involves elves, dwarves, orcs and magic users among others. Does your novel follow this pattern or do you stray away from the established in order to do something on your own?

  3. #23
    Devin Stadeker
    Guest

    Re: Testing the waters.

    Nice to meet another fantasy writer

    And I'd feel a little... presumptuous to go spouting on about my work here. I can't claim to bring anything new to the genre, but I do try to stray away from its most common conventions.

    For example, I have the story focus on a tight knot of characters rather than a dozen, and I've never once entertained the idea of a 'save the world' quest. All of the conflict in the above body of work focuses on a smaller scale. So far I've introduced one elf, but the majority of the fantastical elements come in the form of 'demihumans', basically half-man, half-animal peoples of varying shapes, sizes, and colors.

    I haven't decided on whether or not I want to introduce magic as well. It has to be very well thought-out so that it still imposes limits on those who wield it (for example, one of my once-favorite series by Robert Jordan had what began as a flawlessly-executed magic system that eventually became bloated and overblown).

    And there I go babbling. Thanks for your interest, all the same.

  4. #24
    John Oberon
    Guest

    Re: Testing the waters.

    That first sentence..."muttering" and "crashed" contradict; “muttering” is quiet, “crashed” is loud. Use "crash" for the ocean; rivers don't typically "crash". Even in rapids, the din is constant, not crashing, because the water flows around and over the rocks.

    Too many “ing” verbs; write in simple past tense wherever possible. Stay away from the verbs “to feel” and “to be” and “to have” as much as possible. Eliminate “would” as much as possible. Use simple language. Those are your biggest problems as far as wordiness that I can see. Here are a couple examples of how you might reduce your words by about 20%.

    Ina grit her teeth, feeling her anger with Tassuun boiling back to the surface. If it weren't for the pain it would cause Sa'tel to see his home destroyed, she'd have been able to hope earnestly for her sister to sweep in that instant and raze the camp to the ground, so long as it ensured the violent she-wolf would meet an equally violent end.

    Ina gritted her teeth as her anger with Tassuun boiled back to the surface. Except for the pain to Sa'tel to see his home destroyed, she could hope earnestly for her sister to sweep in that instant and raze the camp, so long as it ensured the she-wolf met an equally violent end.

    Too late, Ina realized she'd stumbled headlong into an uncomfortable situation. She was at fault for his injuries, however indirectly. Admitting that to her only friend might have been enough to take a headsman's axe to the relationship. She recalled her resolution to reward Sulia's kindness in turn, and felt herself struggling with deciding whether it would be kinder to tell the truth or allow Sa'tel to keep his own council on the events.

    Too late, Ina realized her uncomfortable situation. She was at fault for his injuries, however indirectly, and that admission to her only friend might well sever the relationship. She recalled her resolution to reward Sulia's kindness and debated whether it was kinder to tell the truth or allow Sa'tel to hold his own council on the events.

    Remove all those language clogs, and you’ll find your story flows much better. Not too bad on the whole, though.

  5. #25
    Devin Stadeker
    Guest

    Re: Testing the waters.

    This was very helpful. Thank you for the thoughtful critique

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