I consider myself to be a master in the art of over-the-top fight scenes, so this is right up my alley. Let's see what we've got here...

Firstly I'm a stickler for repetition. In the first two sentences, you've got "the zombie" twice, separated by only six words. It stuck out to me. When I read over my own work and notice this, I try to switch it up without being obvious. In this case, I'd simply start the second sentence with 'it' instead of 'the zombie'.

When you mention 'making' a cheesy one-liner it sticks out to me because I don't associate the verb 'make' with speaking. I'd recommend something along the lines of spouting off said one-liner, or tossing it out, etc.

This may be nitpicking on my part, so feel free to regard this next bit, but I found myself wondering why they didn't hop in the car and jam out. While everyone knows that cars always stall out when the killer is after you, don't take it for granted that your reader's up to date on his pop culture. A couple of words tossed into the next sentence could handily explain why the car's busted without getting sidetracked.

Overall the action felt stale to me. When I write, I constantly have to bash 'show, don't tell' into my head, and I feel like I was told more than I was shown with this piece. You could probably cut out about a third of the exposition and really quicken the pace and overall urgency of the exerpt.

For the specific points of critique:

-I did feel it was too long, but not horribly so. The chunk of meat that is this piece is about the right size, it just needs a little fat cut off.
-I don't like telling someone their writing is boring, because it's a matter of preference. I would rather say that I PERSONALLY was bored by reading it. It felt very slow-paced to me for an action scene, and the contrast detracted from the overall feel for me.
-Yes, you did. I start getting mixed up with a sentence that has more than three commas, and a couple of sentences here are right at the threshold.

A lot of other people have given you great feedback that I'm way too tired to read all of right now, so please forgive me if I'm dumping on the same criticism you've already heard.


While scrolling down I noticed you mentioned this was your first attempt at fiction in evar. I sincerely hope you are encouraged to continue trying, because if writing was a bicycle you'd have jumped right on and skipped the training wheels. You're still wobbling, but I think you'll get it.