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  1. #1
    Shahbaz Ali

    Your Critique is needed!

    I have recently written a short story. I would like to have a sincere critique and suggestions of the members. I here post an excerpt. A dream of a love-forsaken girl.

    His face was quite changed and it was strange enough for a span of mere a year had run since they had last seen each other. But he was happy more than ever she had seen him when he had been around. He just posed for a brief moment to look into her eyes and having something on mind, which she knew was obvious antipathy, gave a wry smile and left. Before her lay a long narrow road with people on either side lost in frenetic activities. Right in the middle of the road an electricity pole erected under which a potter was engaged with his wheel and amid all that possible noise his occasional thuds and creaks were what she could hear at best. The sky was overcast with dark clouds. All this did not seem her bizarre. It was like playing a game or watching a movie. She could watch herself, hair windblown, barefooted, all in white. Someone pointed to the westward and she started in frenzy pulling her feet which felt like having been tied with heavy stones. With extreme effort she reached the corner and had already exhausted never knowing what was it that hindered her movement. There before her stretched a huge lake shimmering in ink blue. He was preparing to dive; then there was a big splash; he disappeared in the water. There was no horizon in sight but water and water farther than eye could see and higher than she could lift her head to see. She hurriedly jumped into the water after him and again she was at loss of strength for it was hardest to move her limbs. Her eyes could see nothing but blank gray space all around her. She was feeling uneasy in irregular movements while her heart throbbed to her mouth and her wish to weep came to no avail. Her whole body wrenched and she tossed her head from one side to the other in the most helpless way. With a start she woke up to find herself sweating all over in foetal position on her bed and sat up.

  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    Right in the middle of the road an electricity pole erected

    LOL. Sorry.

    You should work on your English before trying to go any farther with writing.

  3. #3
    rock doctor

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    I think you have a feel for writing, however, you can tell English is not your native tongue. Because of this, a critique is next to impossible for us. We would be re-writing every last word, which not the point of this forum. You need to study the English language even more intensely to grasp the grammar in such a way as to write it. We even struggle and we have spoken (or tried to) English since Day 1. To improve, take classes, specifically intro to writing courses,and read, read, read in the English language.

    I've tried this with German. I am fluent in German, but let me tell you, it is a comletely different beast to write! I am absolutely foul.

    good luck,

  4. #4
    martin shaw

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    We can only presume that you're not English or American. If this is so you have a good grasp of the language, but writing a book cannot be written as if you speak in everyday circumstances.

    Respect to you for posting this, elaborate on it if you can and dont give in. Post again when ready.

  5. #5
    junel ;-)

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    Yes, Shahbaz.

    You clearly need to improve on your command of the English Language.

    But, there is something to be said when despite the poor written English, and countless bad sentence structures, I found myself engaged in your story, albeit it made little sense.

    Your poetic qualities as a writer shines through.

    I've tried to rewrite the entire thing for you, but have faced untold problems. I'll post it if I manage it.

    If you truly want to write in English, keep studying and learning the language and it's artform. Read plenty, every spare moment you get. You will get there.

    You can learn the language, but an innate poetic approach to writing can seldom be taught.

    Keep at it. Good luck.

  6. #6
    Joseph Canavan

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    Why can you only tell he is not English or American Martin?

    People in other english speaking countries can't write fluently?

  7. #7
    Keith .

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    Right in the middle of the road an electricity pole erected

    Damn that premature electrocution!

  8. #8

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    If there's one thing I like, it's an erected pole.


  9. #9
    L Bea

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    Joseph, all the critiquers here commented on the author's inability to write well in English. I thought Martin's critique was appropriate and right on. And I agree. This was very difficult to read; I had difficulty following the storyline because of it. You don't want the reader to have to decipher words and phrases. It needs to flow. Stopping and starting, trying to compute what you just read does not make for a good story.

    I can't imagine trying to master another language let alone trying to write it in a clear and entertaining way.

    Shabaz, I can feel the passion you have for your story. I wish you all the luck, strength and determination you'll need to realize your dream. You have a bigger road than most ahead of you.


  10. #10
    Joseph Canavan

    Re: Your Critique is needed!

    L Bea,

    I didn't intend to say that this particular query was well written. I took issue with:

    "We can only presume that you're not English or American."

    When I think what he should have said was, "English isn't your first language."


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